Season 31 (05-06)

October 1, 2005-Steve Carell

*George W. Bush (WLF) addresses executive branch issues at a press conference

-onboard TV distracts (host) & alarms (AMP) on troubled Jet Blue flight

-Anderson Cooper (SEM) 360- celebrities help with Katrina reconstruction

-at a restaurant, unhappily married Sally (AMP) & Dan (SEM) criticize each other

-another Lundford Twins (host) & (FRA) Feel Good Variety Hour emerges from the vault

-Debbie Downer (RAD) finds company in the misery of soulmate Bob Bummer (host)

October 8, 2005-Jon Heder

*George W. Bush (WLF) & Supreme Court pick Harriet Miers (RAD) are cronies

-at school, Kaitlin (AMP) & (host) give a science fair presentation on insects

-mustache growth is the extent of (host)'s transformation into a werewolf

-Tom DeLay (WLF) & Bill Frist (JAS) drive away from their legal troubles

-Show Biz Grande Explosion!- Fericito (FRA) liked Pedro in Napoleon Dynamite

-at a funeral home, friends successively go from mourners to corpses

-(SEM) lectures employees for pranks pulled after a company retreat party

-automated phone menu voicer Julie (RAD) goes on a blind date with (host)

October 22, 2005-Catherine Zeta-Jones

*George W. Bush's (WLF) Q&A with Iraq troops has obviously been staged

-in Afghanistan, CNN reporter's (host) inability to groom takes its toll

-(SEM) attends jazzed-up party with (host) & other Bob Fosse-esque dancers

-in Italy, Vinny Vedecci (BIH) & other locals mock USA tourists

-Access Hollywood- celebrities perform Sharon Stone's (AMP) storm relief song

-fellow teachers resent gorgeous new high school French instructor (host)

-(WLF) & (host) sing naughty vows about their spanking fetishes at wedding ceremony

-Abe Scheinwald (RAD) wants Mexican bombshell (host) to play Emily Dickinson

October 29, 2005-Lance Armstrong

*in White House address, Dick Cheney (DAH) denies smoke & fire within

-Celebrity Ironman- host struggles with running & swimming triathlon legs

-Harmonies- Sheryl Crow [real] joins Indigo Girls (AMP) & (RAD) atop a mountain

-The O'Reilly (DAH) Factor- unrelated misconceptions bewilder guests

-Sheryl Crow [real] can barely tolerate the awful love song host wrote for her

-Donald Trump (DAH) goes off-script while shooting a Days Of Our Lives cameo

-on a blind date, (host) is inexplicably infatuated with disgusting Carol (HOS)

-(WLF) cackles at mobster's (HOS) jokes during his interrogation of (host)

November 12, 2005-Jason Lee

*Hardball- sweaty Scott McClellan (JAS) & cautious Nancy Pelosi (AMP) are quiet

-Good Morning Meth- hyper druggie addicts' TV show runs all day

-The Falconer (WLF) & Donald accept land developer's (host) indecent proposal

-too-helpful couple (JAS) & (KRW) naively assist escaped murderer (host)

-Refurbishments- caulk expert's (host) tips are penis double entendres

-at her baby shower, butt-pregnant (AMP) downplays conception implications

-'Stashin'- mustached (SEM), (host), (RAD) & (CHP) endorse facial hair

-American Taser's stun guns lead to tasing through rotating spokesmen

November 19, 2005-Eva Longoria

*George W. Bush (WLF) is defensive during a press conference in China

-The Spammies- (CHP) & (host) win awards for sending annoying e-mails

-Deep House Dish- DJ Dynasty Handbag (KET) watches vocalists (AMP), (host) & more

-Sally (AMP) & Dan (SEM) bicker & have make-up sex at their 10-year college reunion

-in 1958, stars bother Vincent Price (BIH) on his gothic Thanksgiving Special

-Teri Hatcher (host) & other Desperate Housewives are divas at a photo shoot

-R. Kelly (FIM) adds bizarre cliffhangers in his Trapped In The Closet sequel

-sibling loss influences lyrics but not tone of upbeat German family band

-Firmium- host uses fecal euphemisms in a diarrhea medicine testimonial

December 3, 2005-Dane Cook

*a choir sings holiday songs that had all religion references removed

-high school drama club members perform theatrical morning announcements

-failed kicker Jay Feely (host) tries to land the New York Giants' plane

-at a party, overheated (host) won't remove his expensive & itchy wool sweater

-Target lady (KRW) abandons the cash register to secure bargains for herself

-after his 24-hour coma, (host) finds that his girlfriend (AMP) has moved on

-Fight Back- inept vigilante Victor Ramos (HOS) seeks subway terrorism

December 10, 2005-Alec Baldwin

*miserable Saddam Hussein (host) complains to a guard (FRA) from behind bars

-(host) rejects face transplants given to his hospitalized wife

-The O'Reilly (DAH) Factor- John McCain (CHP) & Barney Frank (host) discuss torture

-Brokeback Goldmine- grizzled prospectors (host) & (WLF) fall in love

-The Tony Bennett (host) Show- Dick Cheney (DAH) discusses terrorism

-on a blind date at a bowling alley, crass Carol (HOS) somehow charms (host)

-a hotdog's husband (host) raises his half-human kids (AMP) & (ANS)

-(host) gives a Glengarry Glen Ross motivational speech to Santa's elves

December 17, 2005-Jack Black

*Dick Cheney (DAH) plays Santa to kids' politically-convenient requests

-at Sbarro, shoppers suffer gusts of cold wind due to near-to-door table

-Appalachian Emergency Room- (Neil Young) & Johnny Knoxville [real] suffer

-TV news team member (host) feels left out during a publicity photo shoot

-young Debbie Downer (RAD) depresses Santa (host) when he visits her house

-stranded in space, (host) rejects advances of hermaphrodite alien (ANS)

-Christmas tree seller (host) suffers through A-holes' (JAS) & (KRW) dumb requests

-spelling bee loser (WLF) takes his time attempting to spell “business”

January 14, 2006-Scarlett Johansson

*"The 700 Gang" by Rob Smigel- to Pat Robertson, divine retribution explains all

-Deep House Dish- DJ Dynasty Handbag (KET) welcomes (AMP), (host) & (CHP)

-Smorgasbord- Scandinavian cooks (SEM) & (host) & their recipes are gloomy

-Mike (FRA) & Lexi (host) showoff classy lighting fixtures at Chandelier Galaxy

-Duluth Live- Jim Morrison-esque (WLF) & his band perform an epic theme song

-My Super Sweet 16- spoiled rich kid (host) demands an extravagant party

-cheerful talker Ed Mahoney (JAS) tries to buy a ring from a jewelry store

-oceanographer (SEM) is deceived by (host) & (HOS) aboard a mini-submarine

-(TIF), (RAD) & (host) long for yucky Mr. Willoughby in a Jane Austen movie

January 21, 2006-Peter Sarsgaard

*Anderson Cooper (SEM) 360- Ray Nagin (FIM) lays out desire for New Orleans

-Target lady's (KRW) manager (host) lets customers wait while he's on break

-host is keynote speaker at pirate convention due to "arr" sounds in his name

-at the opening of his art gallery, (host) falls for coarse Carol (HOS)

-Cat Fancy Magazine editor (host) fires reporter (SEM) for made-up stories

-Gays In Space- station pilots have an encounter in galactical queer bar

-lost remote forces hotel guest (host) to sit through loop of (RAD)'s TV spiel

-grandmothers' (AMP) & (RAD) phone conversation attracts an NSA wiretap (host)

-host is trying to sell 250 million of his leftover SARS Guard facemasks

February 4, 2006-Steve Martin

*host prevents Alec Baldwin [real] from tying his SNL hosting record

-Oprah (MAR)- (host)'s memoir is as full of lies as James Frey's

-Don't Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford, says (CHP) to debtors (host) & (AMP)

-beneficial gig at a Hamas victory celebration creates a moral dilemma for host

-Quick Zoom Theater- camcorder-sponsored drama includes unnecessary zooms

-Aaron Neville (HOS), Aretha Franklin (KET) & Dr. John (JAS) warm up at Super Bowl

-Prince (FRA) Show- personal chef (host) & Drew Barrymore (KRW) are interviewed

-George Q. Bush's (WLF) State Of The Galaxy address is no different in 2145

-uncool (host) is disbelieving upon learning of his ejection from surfer club

-Naturally Crafting- (RAD) wants wreathmaker (host) to spend the night

March 4, 2006-Natalie Portman

*shell-shocked George W. Bush (WLF) & Dick Cheney (DAH) make apologies

-hyper Jamba Juice employees (host) (HOS) (SEM) boost smoothies

-Larry King (FRA) Live- transsexuals (AMP), (WLF) & (host) cause mix-ups

-fertility doctor (host) interviews prospective parents Sally (AMP) & Dan (SEM)

-Nunni (host) & boyfriend (JAS) visit home of her parents Noony (FRA) & Nuni (MAR)

-Wake Up Wakefield- Sheldon (RAD) fails to hookup with (host) at a bar mitzvah

March 11, 2006-Matt Dillon

*young women (AMP) (MAR) (RAD) (KRW) anticipate Spring Break celebrations

-SportsCenter- bulked-up Barry Bonds (KET) denies steroid allegations

-wayward A-holes (JAS) & (KRW) strain the patience of travel agent (host)

-How To Order Sushi Like A CEO- smug (host)'s book offers raw seafood tips

-Joplin Alive!- Missourians (JAS) & (BIH) do a podcast in a Bennigan's

-Vincent Price's (BIH) St. Patrick's Day Special is not very horrifying

-harsh voice & coarse attitude makes (host) a poor fit for relaxation tape

-Appalachian Emergency Room- more rubes need unconventional medical help

-DeCicco Brothers (BIH) & (host) Unicornery has magical animals for sale

April 8, 2006-Antonio Banderas

*Anderson Cooper (SEM) 360- Vicente Fox (host) & Cynthia McKinney (KET) talk immigration

-Deal Or No Deal- contestant (host) doesn't understand how to play

-at a party, automated phone menu voicer Julie (RAD) collects info from (host)

-Besos Y Lagrimas- gardener's (host) bare chest sparks passionate reactions

-butch looks get their due at the Women's Basketball Coaches' Fashion Awards

-host's Legend Of Zorro stand-in (HOS) repulses Catherine Zeta-Jones (AMP)

-karaoke emcee (AMP) gets personal with singer's (RAD) boyfriend (host)

-wine tasters (host) (CHP) (AMP) give odd evaluations to their drinks

April 15, 2006-Lindsay Lohan

*The Situation Room- staff turnover leads to presidential spokesteen (host)

-Deep House Dish- DJ Dynasty Handbag (KET) grooves to divas (AMP) & (host)

-The O'Reilly (DAH) Factor- Seymour Hersh (FRA) & Newt Gingrich (WLF) talk Iraq

-delicious chocolate dessert makes diners (host), (JAS), (RAD) & (FRA) go crazy

-Debbie Downer (RAD) deflates (host)'s Las Vegas strip club bachelorette party

-uptight co-workers Neil (WLF), Jean (KRW) & (host) awkwardly socialize

-Movie Archives- Ann-Margret (host) & Liberace (FRA) had no chemistry

May 6, 2006-Tom Hanks

*Bill Frist (host) sells his new gas refund plan to George W. Bush (WLF)

-Wheel Of Fortune- dumb contestants (AMP) (FRA) (KRW) can't solve the puzzle

-Kaitlin's (AMP) enthusiasm about taking care of (host)'s iguana decreases

-while in a theme park line, (host) & (FRA) yell at their lost ma (RAD)

-in a yoga class, (RAD) is unhappily partnered with sweaty & gross (host)

-Colin Powell (KET) issues State Department propositions a la Fred Sanford

-tennis player (WLF) drops his partner (host) due to him losing an arm

May 13, 2006-Julia Louis-Dreyfus

*on a parallel Earth, everything is great under president Al Gore [real]

-insecure (JLD) is upset she isn't being harassed by dreadful bum (BIH)

-The Morning Show- everything goes wrong during a live television broadcast

-students in Intro To MySpace class are mom (JLD) & creepy sexual predators

-Charades- contestants' (AMP) & (JLD) pantomime is sexually suggestive

-Unsolved Mysteries re-enactor (JLD) doesn't believe (KRW)'s alien story

May 20, 2006-Kevin Spacey

*Anderson Cooper (SEM) 360- Arnold Schwarzenegger (DAH) on immigration

-detective (host) questions A-holes (JAS) & (KRW) about a car theft they witnessed

-Oprah Winfrey's (MAR) Legends Ball pays tribute to her favorite black women

-at a restaurant, on-the-rebound (host) is captivated by crude Carol (HOS)

-quest to save Donald via time machine produces many copies of The Falconer (WLF)

-Legends Of History- inventor of sarcasm (host) confused England in the 1100s

-Neil Young's (host) new album contains unsubtle political commentary

Season 30 (04-05)

October 2, 2004-Ben Affleck

*first George W. Bush (WLF) vs. John Kerry (SEM) debate covers Iraq policies

-Debbie Downer (RAD) kills the festive mood at (host)'s birthday party

-James Carville (host) gives John Kerry (SEM) some campaign advice

-disaster strikes when mall shoppers overact on broken escalator

-obnoxious deejay's (host) inappropriate tunes derail a wedding reception

October 9, 2004-Queen Latifah

*undecided voters address debaters George W. Bush (WLF) & John Kerry (SEM)

-Prince (FRA) Show- Patti LaBelle (host) & Sharon Stone (AMP) chat

-vice-presidential candidates Dick Cheney (DAH) & John Edwards (WLF) debate

-high school basketball prodigy (FIM) picks between college or going pro

-St. Peter (HOS) feeds straight lines to Rodney Dangerfield (DAH)

-Starkisha (FIM) & (host) compete to register voters in a black neighborhood

-Dave 'Zinger' Klinger (SEM) & Dr. Sheila 'All Snaps' (host) trade insults

October 23, 2004-Jude Law

*Hardball- Ed Gillespie (SEM) smiles & Zell Miller (WLF) fumes

-actor (host) is lost while shooting extensively green screened movie

-George W. Bush (WLF) & John Kerry (SEM) rehash themes in ninth debate

-Tony Blair (host) follows George W. Bush's (WLF) lead at press conference

-Donald Trump (DAH) tapes a Halloween-themed promo for The Apprentice

-Jane Eyre's (RAD) employer Mr. Rochester (host) keeps booty call in the attic

-intoxicated Peter O'Toole (host) & Michael Caine (SEM) are nonsensical

October 30, 2004-Kate Winslet

*undecided voter Osama bin Laden (SEM) discusses the USA presidential election

-Rap Night- obese rapper Chubb Hotty (HOS) in duet with Norah Jones (host)

-creation (FRA) of husband-seeking Mrs. Dr. Frankenstein (host) is gay

-Bill Clinton (DAH) overshadows John Kerry (SEM) at a campaign rally

-at the mall, Kaitlin (AMP) has second thoughts about getting her ears pierced

-Goodwin Wig & Toy- Halloween-disliking Glenda Goodwin (MAR) has unscary costumes

-Tim Russert (DAH) & Tom Brokaw (CHP) consider colors for the electoral map

November 13, 2004-Liam Neeson

*victorious George W. Bush (WLF) wants John Kerry's (SEM) carefree life

-Star Jones (KET) takes phone calls on the eve of her wedding

-You Call This A House Do Ya?- a filthy Irish home receives a makeover

-(host)'s date with Phoebe (RAD) is disrupted by her large parrot (FRA)

-Wake Up San Diego- theme music delights presenters (host) & (MAR)

-Appalachian Emergency Room- bumpkins explain origins of medical crises

-stoner (host) tries to persuade cop (CHP) to loan him a drug-sniffing dog

November 20, 2004-Luke Wilson

*George W. Bush (WLF) fires Colin Powell (FIM) a la The Apprentice

-Debbie Downer (RAD) spoils Thanksgiving dinner with her depressing remarks

-The American Trainwreck Awards- pathetic celebrities celebrate their peers

-intimacy between old pals (host) & (ROR) creeps out wives (MAR) & (AMP)

-(host) threatens (SEM)'s claim of Coolest Teacher At Benton Township High School

-Donald & dog attend a state fair while The Falconer (WLF) & (host) are trapped

-as (host), (SEM) & (KET) get wasted, their banter repeats & escalates

December 11, 2004-Colin Farrell

*in Kuwait, poorly-equipped soldiers question Donald Rumsfeld (DAH)

-a very large & resistant roach (HOS) is loose in (host) & (AMP)'s apartment

-Show Biz Grande Explosion!- Bono's (host) use of Spanish bothers Fericito (FRA)

-airport security guard (AMP) gropes (host) during physical search

-at a key party, Carol (HOS) & other swingers tell their names & safe words

-on-the-job interview with window washer (KET) endangers TV reporter (host)

-Pat (HOS) 'N Patti (MAR) are back with their Slacks, Snacks & other rhyming items 

-accent of Merv The Perv's (CHP) cousin Steve The Skeeve (host) charms women

December 18, 2004-Robert DeNiro

*Craig Fenson (host) reads more naughty-sounding names of suspected terrorists

-Pranksters- (host) views chainsaw dismemberment as wacky hijinks

-oblivious (host) wonders why his gay-acting son (SEM) hasn't married yet

-Prince (FRA) Show- host, Star Jones (KET) & Al Reynolds (FIM) celebrate Christmas

-Donald Trump (DAH) tapes a Christmas-themed promo for The Apprentice

-undercover (HOS) clumsily applies Italian stereotypes to infiltrate the mafia

-Christmas With The Cat Lady (host) consists of one-sided chats with felines

January 15, 2005-Topher Grace

*persuasive Bill Clinton (DAH) takes over George W. Bush's (WLF) press conference

-Trucker Talk- truck drivers mournbreakup of Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston

-black paramedics (KET) & (FIM) won't respond to emergencies on MLK Day

-Dan Rather (DAH) apologizes on CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update

-(host) is uneasy about losing his virginity to elderly brothel worker (RAD)

-artsy Noony (FRA) & Nuni (MAR) welcome (host) & (RAD) to their home

-Hardball- Howard Dean (ROR), Armstrong Williams (KET) & Zell Miller (WLF) banter

-poor exchange rates cause foreign currency to mock the dollar (AMP)

January 22, 2005-Paul Giamatti

*George W. Bush's (WLF) daughters Jenna (AMP) & Barbara (TIF) chat in their room

-Barbara Boxer (AMP) questions Condoleezza Rice (MAR) at her confirmation hearing

-limo driver (FIM) is a Jamie Foxx fan but doesn't recognize host

-at a music store looking for an instrument, Kaitlin (AMP) settles on the drums

-The Lundford Twins (host) & (FRA) Feel Good Variety Hour was never aired

-Andy's (WLF) telephone shrieks of "Oh no!" annoy financial planner (host)

-Spy Glass- parliament reporter (host) fills in on the teen beat

-(host)'s date with Phoebe (RAD) is disrupted by her large house cat (FRA)

February 5, 2005-Paris Hilton

*American Idol- awful contestants want to be the next William Hung

-in Switzerland, Donatella Versace (MAR) skis with host & Elton John (HOS)

-(host) & Starkisha (FIM) race to buy purses that are out of their price range

-Exclusive Connections- phone sex line caters to fantasy & sci-fi geeks

-Donald Trump's (DAH) new wife Melania (host) meets his children (SEM) (MAR) (FRA)

-flashback shows cheerleader (host) nearly went to prom with Merv The Perv (CHP)

-Rafael Alonzo (FRA) can't overemphasize your need to learn computers

-vintage Barbie (AMP) catches Ken (WLF) cheating with a new Barbie (host)

-obnoxious (SEM) gets nowhere while trying to pick up (host) in a NYC bar

February 12, 2005-Jason Bateman

*nuke-wielding Kim Jong Il (HOS) makes demands at a flattering press conference

-Monkeys Throwing Poop At Celebrities- Sean Connery (DAH) gets hit by feces

-The Best of T.T. & Mario- (MAR) & (KET)’s songs are all about getting freaky

-subway passenger (host) empties his wallet for pushy metro performers

-Gays In Space- homosexual rocketmen encounter sperm-seeking lesbians

-in the voiceover booth, Bill Kurtis (DAH) mixes graphic script with chitchat

-Rap Night- Chubb Hotty (HOS) sings a duet with his girlfriend (Kelly Clarkson)

-students at a public speaking workshop display presentational faults

February 19, 2005-Hilary Swank

*Michael Jackson (AMP) In Neverland Ranch- advice-giving leads to incrimination

-Los Angeles Face- botoxed women (MAR) (host) (AMP) (RAD) have frozen features

-restaurant patrons are unable to resist touching their extremely hot plates

-host's former babysitter Debbie Downer (RAD) sits next to her at the Oscars

-soap opera actress (host) receives crying lessons from coach (RAD)

-City Court With Aaron Neville- (HOS) sings more than he serves justice

-Marc Anthony (FRA) & Jennifer Lopez (MAR) redo their Grammys duet at home

-Project Runway- Heidi Klum (host) gives designers their latest assignment

March 12, 2005-David Spade

*Martha Stewart (DAS) addresses her employees after getting out of prison

-(DAS) & (RAD) are weirded out by hospitality approaches of Noony (FRA) & Nuni (MAR)

-stuntwoman (AMP) stands in for DAS on the set of a Vin Diesel (HOS) movie

-detained (DAS) tries making (ROR) his bitch in a suburban holding cell

-Sean Penn's (SEM) lack of humor dooms his roast of Clint Eastwood (DAH)

-UPS guy (DAS) is repeatedly rejected after asking receptionist (RAD) out on a date

-performance of married singers (DAS) & (MAR) includes commercial jingles

-Joe Dirt (DAS) advertises the attractions of the Dirtball & Burnout Convention

March 19, 2005-Ashton Kutcher

*Hardball- Jose Canseco (HOS) & Mark McGwire (ROR) on steroids in baseball

-Oprah (MAR)- John Travolta (DAH) & Julia Roberts (host) upstage victim (RAD)

-(host)'s scheme to initiate an office push-up contest backfires on him

-Gays In Space- crashed ship leads to encounter with hunky spacemen

-at a black church, white guest preacher (host) gets into the spirit

-fight between anchor (host) & weatherman (SEM) disrupts local newscast

-(AMP) uses Nebulzitol to cure her husband (WLF) of March Madness

April 9, 2005-Cameron Diaz

*Cardinals & Al Sharpton (KET) campaign to become new Pope in papal debate

-Extreme Makeover Home Edition- wife's (host) illness is a benefit for (CHP)

-The Barry Gibb (JIF) Talk Show- Ann Coulter (Drew Barrymore) & others on liberals

-new manager (CHP) wants to improve the rating of a seedy one-star hotel

-Woo! The Musical features scenes of college students' spring break experiences

-deliverymen (KET) & (FIM) try to talk (host) out of buying a sofa bed

-Spy Glass- Desperate Housewives correspondent (host) joins in the banter

April 16, 2005-Tom Brady

*Tom DeLay (CHP) says his vote-securing methods have made him a target

-at a carnival, only (host) fails to win at a football toss game

-Dr. Phil (DAH)- insensitive husband (host) lacks emotional intelligence

-The Falconer (WLF) still gets the worst of it after swapping places with Donald

-Tom Brady's Falafel City- host's restaurant offers Middle Eastern cuisine

-Uncle Scott's (host) cold feet threaten Kaitlin's (AMP) upcoming bridesmaid gig

-Behind The Music- Chicago Bears recall "The Super Bowl Shuffle" phenomenon

-boozy lounge singer Charli Coffee (MAR) falls down while performing

May 7, 2005-Johnny Knoxville

*American Idol- Paula Abdul (AMP) seduces contestants which disappoints Paula Abdul [real]

-bickering Sally (AMP) & Dan (SEM) are The Couple That Should Be Divorced

-Donald Trump (DAH) tapes a commercial for Domino's cheeseburger pizza

-Donatella Versace (MAR) visits her mom (RAD) in Italy on Mother's Day

-abductee (WLF) learns science isn't the motive for alien's (host) anal probes

-transsexual (host), grandma (MAR) & new mom (AMP) brunch on Mother's Day

-Andy (WLF) disrupts a telethon by shouting "Oh no!" when callers try to pledge

-Merv The Perv (CHP) & brother Irv (host) disgust Victoria's Secret customers

-extensive news team introductions and humorous reactions fill out broadcast

-You Might Be A Gay Redneck If you're Jeff Foxworthy's half-brother (host)

May 14, 2005-Will Ferrell

*backstage, WIF has awkward reunions with his former castmates & Lorne Michaels

-Celebrity Jeopardy!- Bill Cosby (KET), Sharon Osbourne (AMP), Sean Connery (DAH) are inept

-(WIF) has some issues while speaking at an annual gathering for Oracle employees

-(SEM) & (RAD) meet Noonie (WIF), the childish adult son of Noony (FRA) & Nuni (MAR)

-diner (WLF) applies pepper grinder to build character in waiter (WIF)

-Robert Goulet (WIF) plugs ringtones & cellphones shaped like his head

-Going 2 C Movies- Terrye Funck (CHP), Vasquez (HOS) & (WIF) give juvenile reviews

-in a bar, luxury-loving spy (WIF) thinks that (MAR) is his contact

May 21, 2005-Lindsay Lohan

*Hardball- Michael Isikoff (CHP) & Condoleezza Rice (MAR) on media ethics

-America's Next Top Model- one-legged Amber (AMP) loses to insecure (host)

-costumed Star Wars fans deal with failure to get into Revenge Of The Sith

-Appalachian Emergency Room- hayseeds seek treatment for strange problems

-Prince (FRA) Show- Nick Lachey (WLF) & Jessica Simpson (host) pop in

-(HOS)'s angered hooker (host) destroys furnishings of his gangster hangout

-(CHP) attempts to seduce teenage babysitter (host) while driving her home

Season 29 (03-04)

October 4, 2003-Jack Black

*Arnold Schwarzenegger (DAH) vaguely describes of his five-point program

-Queer Eye For The Straight Gal- (TIF) gets lifestyle advice from lesbians

-The Wade Robson (SEM) Project- awful dancers (MAR) (AMP) (host) flail around

-long-haired chef (host) teaches Vasquez (HOS), Gabe (FRA), Ruth (RAD) & Pete (CHP) to cook

-while on-stage, guitarist (host) brings up childhood issues with his dad (HOS)

-a vintner's son (SEM) experiences spit-take facials from wine expert (host)

-telemarketers musically romanticize the sales method killed by caller ID

October 11, 2003-Justin Timberlake

*Hardball- GOP apologists Karl Rove (JER) & Ann Coulter (AMP) discuss the CIA leak

-Punk'd Barely Legal- extreme Ashton Kutcher (host) pranks compiled on DVD

-governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger (DAH) resigns after winning the election

-singing & dancing mascot (host) overshadows rival breakfast marketer (CHP)

-Sully (JIF), Denise (RAD) & her brother (host) misbehave in a fancy restaurant

-The Sharon Osbourne (AMP) Show- groomed Michael Bolton (host) sings

-Carl Weathers [real] hopes to become third governor from the cast of Predator

-The Barry Gibb (JIF) Talk Show- California politics & excessive falsetto combine

October 18, 2003-Halle Berry

*publicly-supportive wife (MAR) abuses Kobe Bryant (FIM) in private

-The Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular- guests easily block (HOS)’s attacks

-Versace (MAR) Halloween has Naomi Campbell (host) & Elton John (HOS) visit

-Quick Ones pills efficiently provide immediate sexual gratification

-Starkisha (FIM) & her friends (host) (MAR) act obnoxiously at a Japanese restaurant

-Joey Lawrence (SEM) tries to interest '80s fans in The Best Of Klymaxx

-Tom Brokaw (CHP) gets mad while recording a voicemail message for (host)

-on her birthday, (host) is thrilled to meet Ashford (KET) & Simpson (MAR)

-speed-reader Gary (WLF) uses his skill to pick up (host) at a bar

November 1, 2003-Kelly Ripa

*George W. Bush's (DAH) Iraq initiatives would've been welcome in the USA

-Live With Regis (DAH) & Kelly (AMP)- Angelina Jolie (host) is weird

-Access Hollywood- Renee Zellweger (host) praises her obesity coach (HOS)

-while on the job, cow fart scientist (WLF) resolves issues with wife (host)

-Leilani Burke, Pet Psychic- animal ESP is secondary to (MAR)’s singing career

-Spy Glass- Ian (SEM) & Zoe (AMP) expose dirt on British celebrities

-(CHP) & (host) insult a seemingly-adorable pup that's up for adoption

November 8, 2003-Andy Roddick

*20/20- Barbara Walters (RAD) lists descriptions used on Martha Stewart (AMP)

-Joey Mack (JIF) & his imaginary crew go for cheap laughs at host's expense

-host easily beats cocky Billie Jean King (FRA) in Battle Of The Sexes II

-teen (host) suffers as cheery governess Mrs. Dalrymple (RAD) babies him

-Daryl Hall (WLF) & John Oates (FRA) perform at a corporate awards banquet gig

-Tennis Talk- past (SEM), present (host) & future (WLF) of Andre Agassi in one room

-Merv The Perv (CHP) harasses patients in a gynecologist's (host) waiting room

-Jock Talk- athletic Blake (JER) & fellow brutes (SEM) (host) are dumb

-local newscast is hampered by endless theme music & audio overload

November 15, 2003-Alec Baldwin

*George W. Bush (DAH) details Iraq's new undemocratic constitution

-unprofessional plastic surgeon (host) recommends D cups for patient (AMP)

-scientists (host) & Dave 'Zinger' Klinger (SEM) trade childish taunts

-The Tony Bennett (host) Show- acquitted millionaire Robert Durst (FRA) is present

-Donald has a wild night in Las Vegas while The Falconer (WLF) hangs upside down

-(host) answers indirect questions linking Prince Charles with gay sex

-co-workers (host) & (AMP) flub a presentation after a one-night stand

-Roy Horn's (host) return to the stage is affected by more animal attacks

-old executives (host) & Abe Scheinwald (RAD) have their own ideas in pitch meeting

December 6, 2003-Al Sharpton

*NBC satisfies the equal time rule by incorporating candidates into programs

-Michael Jackson (AMP) In A Roller Coaster- legal troubles haven't sunk in

-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- Ryan Fellow (host) visits a seal & a bat

-Three Wise Men (host) (TRM) (KET) get pulled over on their way to Bethlehem

-in 1935, actor (host) doesn't want movie to promote black stereotypes

-Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi- host doesn't like raw fish, but he'll sell it to you

-The LaToya Jackson (MAR) Show- Joe Jackson (host) & Chaka Kahn (KET) chatter

-Vasquez (HOS) makes conversation while driving host & aide (MAR) across town

-ghost of Johnny Cash (DAH) plugs box set & talks about being in Heaven

December 13, 2003-Elijah Wood

*Hardball- rejected Joe Lieberman (CHP) & modest Hillary Clinton (AMP) campaign

-high-voiced school choir rivals (host) (JIF) (WLF) test their range

-Queer Eye For The Straight Guy- makeover updates Santa's (HOS) look

-Wake Up Wakefield!- Megan (MAR) falls for Sheldon's (RAD) trumpeter friend (host)

-Boy George (host) likes Donatella Versace's (MAR) designer egg nog

-Al Gore's (DAH) anti-Bush radicalism crushes endorsed Howard Dean (JER)

-Buddy Mills (CHK) supports a young comic with abandonment issues (host)

January 10, 2004-Jennifer Aniston

*Donald Trump (DAH) intends to bring his brand of class to other NBC shows

-red carpet paparazzi (host) & (AMP) pester celebrities for photo poses

-Britney Spears (host) & Jason Allen Alexander (JIF) rush into marriage

-losing Democratic candidates tell voters that Howard Dean is unelectable

-detained Saddam Hussein (HOS) & Osama bin Laden (JIF) chat on the phone

-Country Roses- feuding vocalists (host) & (MAR) are featured on album

-Coco (MAR) & Matsui (FRA) Super Show makes host interview herself in Japan

-Appalachian Emergency Room- white trash patients present oddball injuries

-phone sex operator's (host) unsexy conversation turns off callers

January 17, 2004-Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey

*Howard Dean's (JER) inappropriate phone campaigning hurts his candidacy

-Jessica unintentionally assists Joey Mack (JIF) in making fun of Nick

-(SEM) & (AMP) patronize a Mexican restaurant performing arts school

-American Idol- already-famous singers fail to impress Simon Cowell (CHP)

-Paris Hilton (Jessica) & Nicole Richie (RAD) downplay mad cow disease

-The Sharon Osbourne (AMP) Show- Sue Johanson (RAD) displays sex toys

-(KET) helps his old aunt (MAR) pick out panties at Victoria's Secret

-Bubba Sparxxx (HOS) & Timbaland (KET) pitch homosexual jingles to nut industry

-Chicken Of The Sea & other confusing brand-name foods baffle Jessica

February 7, 2004-Megan Mullally

*Nightline- Ted Koppel (DAH) keeps the focus on Janet Jackson's boob

-Celebrity Poker Showdown- Gene Shalit (HOS) & Carrot Top (SEM) play cards

-(SEM)’s close relationship with his mother (host) disturbs his fiancé (AMP)

-boring Sharon Stone (AMP) exhausts host's patience at the Golden Globes

-cabbie's (host) attempts to relate to black passenger (KET) are offensive

-Munchkinland sues Dorothy (AMP) for collateral damage caused by her house

-Dave 'Zinger' Klinger (SEM) bickers with old flame Debbie 'Slam' Slamowski (host)

-at the Grammys, Leon Warwick (KET) & Connie Raitt (host) depend on aunts' fame

February 14, 2004-Drew Barrymore

*John Kerry (SEM) doesn't want bad-luck charm Al Gore (DAH) to endorse him

-A Very Special Valentine's Versace (MAR) lets Courtney Love (host) lay waste

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- Goby's (HOS) hot stoner sister (host) inspires a crush

-Access Hollywood- Charlize Theron (host) gets ugly for acting praises

-John Kerry (SEM), George W. Bush (WLF) & Bill Clinton (DAH) meet at a bar in 1969

-Larry King (JIF) Live- unreliable Anna Nicole Smith (host) has lost weight

-Spy Glass- Ian (SEM) & Zoe (AMP) point the lens at their own scandalous behavior

-alleged crime fighters The White Stripes (JIF) & (host) just play music

-Prince (FRA) Show- Beyonce Knowles (MAR) interprets Pink's (host) guest spot

February 21, 2004-Christian Aguilera

*Hardball- Gary Bauer (CHP) & Rosie O'Donnell (HOS) debate gay marriage

-Sex & The City- finale has eccentric Carrie (AMP) & shemale Samantha (host)

-Do You Know Who My Father Is?- snotty offspring throw privilege on game show

-in 1880, liberated (host) challenges stuffy women to break the status quo

-Venice Beach teens serve up lame moves during a low-stakes dance-off

-host is visited by celebrities backstage who call out her skanky behavior

-Besos Y Lagrimas- maid (host) inspires kisses & tears in telenovela

-(CHP) fires ridiculously obnoxious employee (WLF) for repeated absence

-apothecary Don's (HOS) lack of privacy gets on customers’ nerves

March 6, 2004-Colin Firth

*Nightline- Rosie O'Donnell (HOS) on Martha Stewart's (ANG) guilty verdict

-British actor's (host) awful Southern accent derails Civil War movie

-Show Biz Grande Explosion!- Fericito (FRA) helps host with his joke delivery

-guilty Tim Calhoun (WLF) leans on lawyer (host) for Senate committee testimony

-Meet The Press- John Edwards' (WLF) so-called attack ads are pro-Kerry

-bellboy (KET) attempts to personally service (host)'s prostitute request

-after a 15-month hiatus, The Sopranos can't remember their plot lines

-Jesus, Hollywood vs. History- Benny Hill (WLF) film has lust but not passion

March 13, 2004-Ben Affleck

*Sully (JIF) & Denise (RAD) attend Donny Bartolotti's (host) same-sex marriage ceremony

-Joey Mack (JIF) is reunited with his character-stealing former partner (host)

-mentally-challenged (FRA) points out Gigli faults to host during filming

-Appalachian Emergency Room- yokels suffer additional unusual conditions

-Top O' The Morning- Patrick (JIF) & William (SEM) remember St. Patrick's Days past

-Donnie G. & Sidecar- cycle cop (host) puts partner (FRA) in harm's way

-serial killer's (host) co-workers have fun with his ill-kept secret

April 3, 2004-Donald Trump

*The Apprentice- host fires JIF after a poor dress rehearsal

-Live With Regis (DAH) & Kelly (AMP)- host shamelessly promotes himself

-Trump's House Of Wings- endorsement of host's chicken eatery is surefire success

-update of The Prince & The Pauper has Donald Trump (DAH) & janitor (host)

-Fathers & Sons- (host)'s son (SEM) envies bond between (JIF) & dad (HOS)

-prophetic Richard Clarke (DAH) testifies to his many disregarded warnings

-during their break, The Apprentice stars host, (FRA) & (AMP) have band rehearsal

April 10, 2004-Janet Jackson

*Dick Cheney (DAH) urges Condoleezza Rice (host) to flash a boob

-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- (host) & a flying squirrel are distractions

-Starkisha (FIM) backs out of paying a $250 ticket for a Janet Jackson concert

-Prince (FRA) Show- Paula Abdul (host) & Steve Harvey (KET) visit

-(HOS) & (JIF) educate winery tourists on the art of cork soaking

-Good Times- Florida Evans (KET) & family persevere when facing urban tragedies

-in the 1970s, cocaine sparks (CHP)'s interest in party game Boom Boomer

May 1, 2004-Lindsay Lohan

*Dick Cheney (DAH) coaches George W. Bush (WLF) before 9/11 testimony

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- stoner (host) moves in & meets a weed-smoking robot

-Hermione's (host) developed cleavage distracts Harry Potter (RAD) & Ron (SEM)

-unstable chauffeur Billy Joel (HOS) sings while driving recklessly

-at Disney World, gloomy Debbie Downer (RAD) dampens a fun vacation

-Club Traxx- hook of young pop duo D.A.D.I. (RAD) & (host) is lesbianism

-hyper preteen Kaitlin (AMP) welcomes popular girl (host) to her sleepover

-17th Annual Adult Movie Awards- fear of FCC produces a condensed broadcast

May 8, 2004-Snoop Dogg

*George W. Bush (WLF) & Donald Rumsfeld (DAH) reunite a la the Friends finale

-Show Biz Grande Explosion!- Fericito (FRA) doesn't understand host's humor

-wheelchair-bound (host) pleads sympathy to win rap-off competition

-Abe Scheinwald (RAD) bonds with Booty Hotel seller (host) during pitch meeting

-party atmosphere can't overcome host's depression over Friends ending

-Appalachian Emergency Room- country folk exhibit more weird afflictions

-Duster's Digest magazine has its focus on the lifestyle of PCP users

May 15, 2004-The Olsen Twins

*Hardball- John Kerry (SEM) chooses Al Sharpton (KET) as his running mate

-red carpet paparazzi (AMP) & (hosts) engineer marketable snapshots

-Joey Mack's (JIF) shameless foolery gives listeners a poor opinion of hosts

-The Swan- one-legged Amber (AMP) loses makeover competition to Vicki (hosts)

-Pat (HOS) 'N Patti's (MAR) Backpack Shack offers their rhyming pitch

-Access Hollywood- Olsen triplet (FRA) was edited out of New York Minute

-at a roller rink in 1979, Bloater brothers (JIF) & (CHP) hesitate when (hosts) get tender

-dad (CHP) uses camcorder to chronicle indoor Memorial Day family barbecue