October 4, 2003-Jack Black
*Arnold Schwarzenegger (DAH) vaguely describes of his five-point program
-Queer Eye For The Straight Gal- (TIF) gets lifestyle advice from lesbians
-The Wade Robson (SEM) Project- awful dancers (MAR) (AMP) (host) flail around
-long-haired chef (host) teaches Vasquez (HOS), Gabe (FRA), Ruth (RAD) & Pete (CHP) to cook
-while on-stage, guitarist (host) brings up childhood issues with his dad (HOS)
-a vintner's son (SEM) experiences spit-take facials from wine expert (host)
-telemarketers musically romanticize the sales method killed by caller ID
October 11, 2003-Justin Timberlake
*Hardball- GOP apologists Karl Rove (JER) & Ann Coulter (AMP) discuss the CIA leak
-Punk'd Barely Legal- extreme Ashton Kutcher (host) pranks compiled on DVD
-governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger (DAH) resigns after winning the election
-singing & dancing mascot (host) overshadows rival breakfast marketer (CHP)
-Sully (JIF), Denise (RAD) & her brother (host) misbehave in a fancy restaurant
-The Sharon Osbourne (AMP) Show- groomed Michael Bolton (host) sings
-Carl Weathers [real] hopes to become third governor from the cast of Predator
-The Barry Gibb (JIF) Talk Show- California politics & excessive falsetto combine
October 18, 2003-Halle Berry
*publicly-supportive wife (MAR) abuses Kobe Bryant (FIM) in private
-The Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular- guests easily block (HOS)’s attacks
-Versace (MAR) Halloween has Naomi Campbell (host) & Elton John (HOS) visit
-Quick Ones pills efficiently provide immediate sexual gratification
-Starkisha (FIM) & her friends (host) (MAR) act obnoxiously at a Japanese restaurant
-Joey Lawrence (SEM) tries to interest '80s fans in The Best Of Klymaxx
-Tom Brokaw (CHP) gets mad while recording a voicemail message for (host)
-on her birthday, (host) is thrilled to meet Ashford (KET) & Simpson (MAR)
-speed-reader Gary (WLF) uses his skill to pick up (host) at a bar
November 1, 2003-Kelly Ripa
*George W. Bush's (DAH) Iraq initiatives would've been welcome in the USA
-Live With Regis (DAH) & Kelly (AMP)- Angelina Jolie (host) is weird
-Access Hollywood- Renee Zellweger (host) praises her obesity coach (HOS)
-while on the job, cow fart scientist (WLF) resolves issues with wife (host)
-Leilani Burke, Pet Psychic- animal ESP is secondary to (MAR)’s singing career
-Spy Glass- Ian (SEM) & Zoe (AMP) expose dirt on British celebrities
-(CHP) & (host) insult a seemingly-adorable pup that's up for adoption
November 8, 2003-Andy Roddick
*20/20- Barbara Walters (RAD) lists descriptions used on Martha Stewart (AMP)
-Joey Mack (JIF) & his imaginary crew go for cheap laughs at host's expense
-host easily beats cocky Billie Jean King (FRA) in Battle Of The Sexes II
-teen (host) suffers as cheery governess Mrs. Dalrymple (RAD) babies him
-Daryl Hall (WLF) & John Oates (FRA) perform at a corporate awards banquet gig
-Tennis Talk- past (SEM), present (host) & future (WLF) of Andre Agassi in one room
-Merv The Perv (CHP) harasses patients in a gynecologist's (host) waiting room
-Jock Talk- athletic Blake (JER) & fellow brutes (SEM) (host) are dumb
-local newscast is hampered by endless theme music & audio overload
November 15, 2003-Alec Baldwin
*George W. Bush (DAH) details Iraq's new undemocratic constitution
-unprofessional plastic surgeon (host) recommends D cups for patient (AMP)
-scientists (host) & Dave 'Zinger' Klinger (SEM) trade childish taunts
-The Tony Bennett (host) Show- acquitted millionaire Robert Durst (FRA) is present
-Donald has a wild night in Las Vegas while The Falconer (WLF) hangs upside down
-(host) answers indirect questions linking Prince Charles with gay sex
-co-workers (host) & (AMP) flub a presentation after a one-night stand
-Roy Horn's (host) return to the stage is affected by more animal attacks
-old executives (host) & Abe Scheinwald (RAD) have their own ideas in pitch meeting
December 6, 2003-Al Sharpton
*NBC satisfies the equal time rule by incorporating candidates into programs
-Michael Jackson (AMP) In A Roller Coaster- legal troubles haven't sunk in
-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- Ryan Fellow (host) visits a seal & a bat
-Three Wise Men (host) (TRM) (KET) get pulled over on their way to Bethlehem
-in 1935, actor (host) doesn't want movie to promote black stereotypes
-Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi- host doesn't like raw fish, but he'll sell it to you
-The LaToya Jackson (MAR) Show- Joe Jackson (host) & Chaka Kahn (KET) chatter
-Vasquez (HOS) makes conversation while driving host & aide (MAR) across town
-ghost of Johnny Cash (DAH) plugs box set & talks about being in Heaven
December 13, 2003-Elijah Wood
*Hardball- rejected Joe Lieberman (CHP) & modest Hillary Clinton (AMP) campaign
-high-voiced school choir rivals (host) (JIF) (WLF) test their range
-Queer Eye For The Straight Guy- makeover updates Santa's (HOS) look
-Wake Up Wakefield!- Megan (MAR) falls for Sheldon's (RAD) trumpeter friend (host)
-Boy George (host) likes Donatella Versace's (MAR) designer egg nog
-Al Gore's (DAH) anti-Bush radicalism crushes endorsed Howard Dean (JER)
-Buddy Mills (CHK) supports a young comic with abandonment issues (host)
January 10, 2004-Jennifer Aniston
*Donald Trump (DAH) intends to bring his brand of class to other NBC shows
-red carpet paparazzi (host) & (AMP) pester celebrities for photo poses
-Britney Spears (host) & Jason Allen Alexander (JIF) rush into marriage
-losing Democratic candidates tell voters that Howard Dean is unelectable
-detained Saddam Hussein (HOS) & Osama bin Laden (JIF) chat on the phone
-Country Roses- feuding vocalists (host) & (MAR) are featured on album
-Coco (MAR) & Matsui (FRA) Super Show makes host interview herself in Japan
-Appalachian Emergency Room- white trash patients present oddball injuries
-phone sex operator's (host) unsexy conversation turns off callers
January 17, 2004-Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey
*Howard Dean's (JER) inappropriate phone campaigning hurts his candidacy
-Jessica unintentionally assists Joey Mack (JIF) in making fun of Nick
-(SEM) & (AMP) patronize a Mexican restaurant performing arts school
-American Idol- already-famous singers fail to impress Simon Cowell (CHP)
-Paris Hilton (Jessica) & Nicole Richie (RAD) downplay mad cow disease
-The Sharon Osbourne (AMP) Show- Sue Johanson (RAD) displays sex toys
-(KET) helps his old aunt (MAR) pick out panties at Victoria's Secret
-Bubba Sparxxx (HOS) & Timbaland (KET) pitch homosexual jingles to nut industry
-Chicken Of The Sea & other confusing brand-name foods baffle Jessica
February 7, 2004-Megan Mullally
*Nightline- Ted Koppel (DAH) keeps the focus on Janet Jackson's boob
-Celebrity Poker Showdown- Gene Shalit (HOS) & Carrot Top (SEM) play cards
-(SEM)’s close relationship with his mother (host) disturbs his fiancé (AMP)
-boring Sharon Stone (AMP) exhausts host's patience at the Golden Globes
-cabbie's (host) attempts to relate to black passenger (KET) are offensive
-Munchkinland sues Dorothy (AMP) for collateral damage caused by her house
-Dave 'Zinger' Klinger (SEM) bickers with old flame Debbie 'Slam' Slamowski (host)
-at the Grammys, Leon Warwick (KET) & Connie Raitt (host) depend on aunts' fame
February 14, 2004-Drew Barrymore
*John Kerry (SEM) doesn't want bad-luck charm Al Gore (DAH) to endorse him
-A Very Special Valentine's Versace (MAR) lets Courtney Love (host) lay waste
-Jarret's (JIF) Room- Goby's (HOS) hot stoner sister (host) inspires a crush
-Access Hollywood- Charlize Theron (host) gets ugly for acting praises
-John Kerry (SEM), George W. Bush (WLF) & Bill Clinton (DAH) meet at a bar in 1969
-Larry King (JIF) Live- unreliable Anna Nicole Smith (host) has lost weight
-Spy Glass- Ian (SEM) & Zoe (AMP) point the lens at their own scandalous behavior
-alleged crime fighters The White Stripes (JIF) & (host) just play music
-Prince (FRA) Show- Beyonce Knowles (MAR) interprets Pink's (host) guest spot
February 21, 2004-Christian Aguilera
*Hardball- Gary Bauer (CHP) & Rosie O'Donnell (HOS) debate gay marriage
-Sex & The City- finale has eccentric Carrie (AMP) & shemale Samantha (host)
-Do You Know Who My Father Is?- snotty offspring throw privilege on game show
-in 1880, liberated (host) challenges stuffy women to break the status quo
-Venice Beach teens serve up lame moves during a low-stakes dance-off
-host is visited by celebrities backstage who call out her skanky behavior
-Besos Y Lagrimas- maid (host) inspires kisses & tears in telenovela
-(CHP) fires ridiculously obnoxious employee (WLF) for repeated absence
-apothecary Don's (HOS) lack of privacy gets on customers’ nerves
March 6, 2004-Colin Firth
*Nightline- Rosie O'Donnell (HOS) on Martha Stewart's (ANG) guilty verdict
-British actor's (host) awful Southern accent derails Civil War movie
-Show Biz Grande Explosion!- Fericito (FRA) helps host with his joke delivery
-guilty Tim Calhoun (WLF) leans on lawyer (host) for Senate committee testimony
-Meet The Press- John Edwards' (WLF) so-called attack ads are pro-Kerry
-bellboy (KET) attempts to personally service (host)'s prostitute request
-after a 15-month hiatus, The Sopranos can't remember their plot lines
-Jesus, Hollywood vs. History- Benny Hill (WLF) film has lust but not passion
March 13, 2004-Ben Affleck
*Sully (JIF) & Denise (RAD) attend Donny Bartolotti's (host) same-sex marriage ceremony
-Joey Mack (JIF) is reunited with his character-stealing former partner (host)
-mentally-challenged (FRA) points out Gigli faults to host during filming
-Appalachian Emergency Room- yokels suffer additional unusual conditions
-Top O' The Morning- Patrick (JIF) & William (SEM) remember St. Patrick's Days past
-Donnie G. & Sidecar- cycle cop (host) puts partner (FRA) in harm's way
-serial killer's (host) co-workers have fun with his ill-kept secret
April 3, 2004-Donald Trump
*The Apprentice- host fires JIF after a poor dress rehearsal
-Live With Regis (DAH) & Kelly (AMP)- host shamelessly promotes himself
-Trump's House Of Wings- endorsement of host's chicken eatery is surefire success
-update of The Prince & The Pauper has Donald Trump (DAH) & janitor (host)
-Fathers & Sons- (host)'s son (SEM) envies bond between (JIF) & dad (HOS)
-prophetic Richard Clarke (DAH) testifies to his many disregarded warnings
-during their break, The Apprentice stars host, (FRA) & (AMP) have band rehearsal
April 10, 2004-Janet Jackson
*Dick Cheney (DAH) urges Condoleezza Rice (host) to flash a boob
-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- (host) & a flying squirrel are distractions
-Starkisha (FIM) backs out of paying a $250 ticket for a Janet Jackson concert
-Prince (FRA) Show- Paula Abdul (host) & Steve Harvey (KET) visit
-(HOS) & (JIF) educate winery tourists on the art of cork soaking
-Good Times- Florida Evans (KET) & family persevere when facing urban tragedies
-in the 1970s, cocaine sparks (CHP)'s interest in party game Boom Boomer
May 1, 2004-Lindsay Lohan
*Dick Cheney (DAH) coaches George W. Bush (WLF) before 9/11 testimony
-Jarret's (JIF) Room- stoner (host) moves in & meets a weed-smoking robot
-Hermione's (host) developed cleavage distracts Harry Potter (RAD) & Ron (SEM)
-unstable chauffeur Billy Joel (HOS) sings while driving recklessly
-at Disney World, gloomy Debbie Downer (RAD) dampens a fun vacation
-Club Traxx- hook of young pop duo D.A.D.I. (RAD) & (host) is lesbianism
-hyper preteen Kaitlin (AMP) welcomes popular girl (host) to her sleepover
-17th Annual Adult Movie Awards- fear of FCC produces a condensed broadcast
May 8, 2004-Snoop Dogg
*George W. Bush (WLF) & Donald Rumsfeld (DAH) reunite a la the Friends finale
-Show Biz Grande Explosion!- Fericito (FRA) doesn't understand host's humor
-wheelchair-bound (host) pleads sympathy to win rap-off competition
-Abe Scheinwald (RAD) bonds with Booty Hotel seller (host) during pitch meeting
-party atmosphere can't overcome host's depression over Friends ending
-Appalachian Emergency Room- country folk exhibit more weird afflictions
-Duster's Digest magazine has its focus on the lifestyle of PCP users
May 15, 2004-The Olsen Twins
*Hardball- John Kerry (SEM) chooses Al Sharpton (KET) as his running mate
-red carpet paparazzi (AMP) & (hosts) engineer marketable snapshots
-Joey Mack's (JIF) shameless foolery gives listeners a poor opinion of hosts
-The Swan- one-legged Amber (AMP) loses makeover competition to Vicki (hosts)
-Pat (HOS) 'N Patti's (MAR) Backpack Shack offers their rhyming pitch
-Access Hollywood- Olsen triplet (FRA) was edited out of New York Minute
-at a roller rink in 1979, Bloater brothers (JIF) & (CHP) hesitate when (hosts) get tender
-dad (CHP) uses camcorder to chronicle indoor Memorial Day family barbecue
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