October 11, 1986-Sigourney Weaver
*Madonna [real] reads a statement from NBC that "last season was all a dream"
-Tommy Flanagan (JOL) tries to explain things to his girlfriends (host) & (NOD)
-Quiz Masters- Marge Keister (JAH) plays against psychic Lane Maxwell (DAC)
-jumbo-sized Hef-Tea tea bags are preferred by the British royal family
-Church Chat- Church Lady (DAC) tries to interview Zuul (host)
-Mr. Subliminal (KEN) uses sneaky cues to get what he wants in meeting with boss (JOL)
-Alienses- Ripley (host) & Marines accidentally blast E.T.
-Derek Stevens (DAC) sings “she's choppin' broccoli” to record producers (host) (PHH)
October 18, 1986-Malcolm-Jamal Warner
*Frank Bartles (PHH) & Ed Jaymes (A. Whitney Brown) warn about the dangers of crack
-Donahue (PHH)- women in exploitive relationships explain their actions
-The Crosby Show- Theo Huxtable (host) dreams he's in Bing's (PHH) family
-Instant Coffee- Sweeney sisters Candy (JAH) & Liz (NOD) sing medley
-(JOL) breaks it to war movie star Johnny O'Connor (PHH) that he's finished
-(host) doesn't want to follow in dad's (DAC) footsteps at chalk factory
November 8, 1986-Rosanna Arquette
*Tommy Flanagan (JOL) poses as producer to sell host on a makeout sketch
-The People's Court- a white trash hairdresser (host) sues Mephistopheles (JOL)
-Church Chat- Church Lady (DAC) scolds Jenny Baker (VIJ), host & Ric Ocasek [real]
-Sammies (KEN) & (DAC) watch TV, drink beer & doubt odds of self-improvement
-Make Joan Baez (NOD) Laugh- Howie Mandel's (JOL) glove-on-head does the trick
-clowns Koko (DEM) & Mishu (DAC) teach giant Lebee (KEN) about patience
-(host) sings "I Saw God" when he supports her decision to become a star
November 15, 1986-Sam Kinison
*Church Chat- mad that host is doing SNL, Church Lady (DAC) confronts him & Seka [real]
-at parent-teacher meeting, (host) tells (JAH) & (KEN) their kid is stupid
-Chick Hazard (PHH) keeps an eye on '40s club owner Eddie Spimozo (JOL)
-Ching Change (DAC) doesn't want to part with the chickens in his pet shop
-Love Connection- host relives his hellish date with a pair of lesbians
-(JOL) uses reverse psychology to sketch portrait of a dancing king (DAC)
-after Jor-El (host) sends Superman to Earth, Krypton doesn't blow up
November 22, 1986-Robin Williams
*interference in Ronald Reagan's (host) earpiece disrupts his press conference
-Paul Simon [real] remembers everyone he’s ever met over the years
-Shakespeare (JOL) can't stand improvisational comedian's (host) Hamlet
-(PHH) tells how investors can make money at the New York Word Exchange
-Sweeneys (JAH) & (NOD) sing Fiddler On The Roof medley at a Jewish retirement home
-Master Thespian's (JOL) inability to remember a line frustrates director (host)
-Automobile Club spokesman KEN rambles while discussing proper map use
December 6, 1986-Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short
*stumblebums KEN, CHC, Steve & MAS attend meeting at the Gerald Ford Clinic
-(CHC)'s sofa search for the TV remote uncovers missing valuables
-Mephistopheles (JOL) comes to Ed Grimley's (MAS) apartment to steal his soul
-away from the cameras, Ronald Reagan (PHH) is a dynamic, effective leader
-The Eggshell Family- a cautious clan deals with an incoming phone call
-The Pat Stevens (NOD) Show- Corazon Aquino (JAH) isn't interested in girl talk
-Church Lady (DAC) & Minister Bob (CHC) act superior at a potluck luncheon
-British customs agents (Eric Idle) & (DAC) inspect suspicious items
December 13, 1986-Steve Guttenberg
*Infidelscam Iranians hold hearings on their part in arms-for-hostages
-a marketing expert (KEN) says Derek Stevens (DAC) should die to help his career
-a homosexual (host) poses as a woman to seduce a blind guy (JOL)
-Sideshow of the Stars starring Baboon Boy Casey Kasem (DAC) & other freaks
-host's girlfriend's parents' (PHH) & (JAH) movie knowledge is limited
-The Back Page- '30s newspaper reporters cover the less important stories
-actress (VIJ) misreads casting agent's (KEN) body language as cues
-(PHH)'s high Christmas spirit is a symptom of alcoholism, so call Al-Anon
December 20, 1986-William Shatner
*"Ballad Of The Green Berets" variation applauds mute Marine Ollie North (host)
-at a Star Trek convention, host tells loser attendees to "get a life"
-Liz (NOD) & Candy (JAH) Sweeney sing a Christmas medley at a party
-T.J. Hooker (host) tries to stop a criminal by riding on the hood of a car
-Star Trek V, The Restaurant Enterprise- the starship has become a theme diner
-self-absorbed (host) admires his physique in front of the mirror
-lynch mob attacks Potter (JOL) in lost ending of It's A Wonderful Life
January 24, 1987-Joe Montana & Walter Payton
*NFL Video Countdown- foreign special teamers sing "We Are Kickers"
-in a bar, Tommy Flanagan (JOL) & Walter compare their football achievements
-inner thoughts of sincere guy Stu (Joe) interrupting date of (PHH) & (JAH)
-The NFL Today- a Neil Young (DAC) interview with Jimmy The Greek's (PHH) pick
-multiple escape attempts by hostage (KEN) irritate his captor Mace (PHH)
-Chick Hazard (PHH) busts Eddie Spimozo (JOL) as singer Nancy Maloney (VIJ) is underage
-Church Chat- hosts' football lingo is naughty & Church Lady (DAC) catches a pass
-The Michael Jackson Workout Tape- the pop star (Walter) is pumped up
-United Way- Joe supports those in need by following Jimmy The Greek
January 31, 1987-Paul Shaffer
*DAC, NOD & JOL are concerned that the show isn't hip enough for host
-What's My Addiction?- Betty Ford Center alums identify dependencies
-host supplies incidental music during unexpected visit by girlfriend (JAH)
-The Pat Stevens (NOD) Show- host & Charlton Heston (PHH) hate discussing toupees
-on Chinese New Year, the Sweeneys (NOD) & (JAH) sing a Far East medley for Ching Change (DAC)
-David (JOL) & his new girlfriend (VIJ) wait in line to see Radio Days
-Asociacion Mexicana Del Rinon provides money for your kidneys
February 14, 1987-Bronson Pinchot
*Liberace (PHH) plays the piano in Heaven since it's all the censors will allow
-Amerida- (PHH) can't stand the changes caused by Canada's takeover of USA
-Nightline- Carl Sagan (host) & others discuss "Amerida" plausibility
-Paulina Poriskova [real] says boys love Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue
-Derek Stevens (DAC) is okay with selling out after Ringo Starr (JOL) approves
-Serge (host) delivers (PHH)'s Valentine's Day offerings to Babette (NOD)
-The Life of Golda Meir- (Paulina Poriskova)’s good looks were important
-through impersonation, police artist (KEN) helps (host) identify a mugger
-a hardware store gigolo (host) hopes Marge Keister (JAH) will go for him
-Koko (DEM), Mishu (DAC) & Lebee (KEN) try to get princess (Paulina Poriskova) to smile
February 21, 1987-Willie Nelson
*Afterlife Styles of the Rich & Famous- an interview with Liberace (PHH)
-(Danny DeVito) ends up incriminating himself while wearing a police wire
-Church Chat- Church Lady (DAC) intimidates host & Danny DeVito [real]
-modern Southerners get their red necks at (host)'s tanning parlor
-Tommy Flanagan (JOL) tells host that he also has a new movie & album coming out
-(host) uses Patsy Cline music to woo truck stop waitress Anita (JAH)
February 28, 1987-Valerie Bertinelli
*Don Regan (KEN) & Nancy (JAH) Reagan deceive oblivious Ronald (PHH)
-(PHH) & (host) eat among journalists at the Hard News Cafe
-Discover- Peter Graves' (PHH) ignorance of basic chemistry is apparent
-roadies help out with dinner at the home of host & Eddie Van Halen [real]
-Ching Change (DAC) thinks he's found the perfect match in (host)
-Let's Go To The Movies- college girls (host) & (JAH) on The Color Of Money
-On Broadway- guy who replaced Yul Brynner in The King & I (PHH) rants
-an incompetent doctor (JOL) regrets not becoming an opera singer
March 21, 1987-Bill Murray
*Lorne Michaels & his lawyers convince BIM to fulfill missing show in his contract
-obnoxious (BIM) won't leave (JAH)'s apartment after a one-night stand
-Donahue (PHH)- topic drifts away from & back to "The New Celibacy"
-Nick Slammer (BIM) entertains prisoners behind bars
-a baby doctor (PHH) delivers only girls as he removes testes if necessary
-Il Returno De Hercules- the out-of-shape demigod (BIM) can't lift a rock
-(DAC) feels pressured by his overdemanding parents (BIM) & (NOD)
-cab driver Honker (BIM) & passenger (DAC) share their recent experiences
March 28, 1987-Charlton Heston
*God (host) shows up in Oral Roberts' (PHH) office looking for his money
-The New Paper Chase- a professor (host) teaches future brokers at UNLV
-Church Chat- Jim (PHH) & Tammy Faye (JAH) Bakker discuss their troubles
-sloppy leader President Dexter (host) Has Mustard On His Chin in miniseries
-Sweeneys (NOD) & (JAH) sing a medley to celebrate the opening of a new primate house
-(host) addresses the slave drivers after the pyramid is complete
April 11, 1987-John Lithgow
*stupid Marines (DAC) & (KEN) let spies into the USA embassy in Moscow
-Laramie Vice- Crockett (host) & Tubbs (KEN) smell drugs in the Wild West
-Reverend Dwight Henderson (host) is World's Meanest Methodist Minister
-The Pat Stevens (NOD) Show- Halston's (PHH) name doesn't mean what it used to
-Master Thespian (JOL) is taught by Baudelaire (host) on how to replace Olivier
-Discover- Peter Graves (PHH) doesn't really comprehend bacteria
-cab driver (host) gets (JOL) from New York to San Francisco in 9 minutes
-The Fighter- wealthy (PHH) hires washed-up boxer (host) to hit his son (DAC)
April 18, 1987-John Larroquette
*Pagan Easter Special- Casey Kasem (DAC) offers his wife Jean (JAH) to Moloch
-Sold-Out Gold- album contains classic hits made into commercials
-a bad-ass mother-in-law (PHH) brawls with her son-in-law (host)
-homicide detective (host) shows skill at handling evidence with a pencil
-Instant Coffee- married actors (host) & (JAH) in a musical about Kennedys
-recently-deceased (host) learns from angel (DAC) that Heaven has all the answers
-showbiz agents in NYC struggle to cope with a massive Los Angeles quake
-a Rodeo Drive store sells $4000 mystery grab bags to celebrities
May 9, 1987-Mark Harmon
*The New Charlie's Angels eliminate presidential front-runners
-host is crowned People's Sexiest Man Alive beating F. Murray Abraham (JOL)
-Very Smart Theater- young Attila The Hun (host) wants to make mobiles
-senators change focus of Iran-Contra hearings to the Hart-Rice affair
-after swimming upstream, salmon (host) & (VIJ) meet & decide to spawn
-host explains that his looks make him the perfect spokesman for anything
-Ching Change (DAC) fights gang leader boyfriend (host) of sister Loose (NOD)
-Myowling Bible allows you to share the religious experience with your cat
-an amateur sketch artist (KEN) makes countless mistakes on (VIJ)'s portrait
May 16, 1987-Garry Shandling
*senators try not to upset Robert McFarlane (PHH) at Iran-Contra hearings
-host screws up a department store sketch by breaking character & 4th wall
-The Puppy- master jewel thief’s (DAC) canine mannerisms stump detective (PHH)
-(host) tells his support group terrible, false stories about his mother (JAH)
-Babette (NOD) & (JOL) perform her song at the exclusive, pricey Teeny Cafe
-(host) & (VIJ) are drenched with spit in plane's chewing tobacco section
-a couple (DAC) & (JAH) fight excessively during anniversary dinner
May 23, 1987-Dennis Hopper
*after Easy Rider, Billy (host) & Captain America (DAC) regroup
-Church Chat- Jenny Baker (VIJ) is defensive & host talks about his wilder days
-Frank Booth's (host) "What's That Smell?"- celebrities are asked to huff gas
-Problem Drinkers From Outer Space- alcoholic aliens land in Washington
-This Week with David Brinkley (PHH)- Sam Donaldson (KEN) leans in chair
-questions asked during job interview check whether (host) is a cannibal
-mechanics (host) & (JAH) beat investment broker (PHH) at his own game
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