October 17, 1987-Steve Martin
*Ronald Reagan (PHH) whacks Robert Bork (JOL) a la The Untouchables
-Common Knowledge- correct answers were provided by high school seniors
-The NFL Today- during players' strike, George Plimpton (DAC) has success
-slide whistle sound effects reflect thoughts of daters (VIJ) & (host)
-Bullets Aren't Cheap- thrifty James Bond (host) battles Goldsting (Sting)
-officers of a ship regret giving underlings permission to speak freely
-Adventures In The Lost Realm- a dinosaur takes its time eating (JOL)
-Pumping Up With Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- the musclemen insult viewers
October 24, 1987-Sean Penn
*Fatal Attraction II- former prison lover Alex (L.L. Cool J) stalks host
-Wall Street Week- Future Man (KEN) had no trouble with Black Monday
-Church Chat- host punches Church Lady (DAC) after she takes his picture
-in the Teeny Cafe, Babette (NOD) & (JOL) perform "The Way We Were"
-Don (PHH) & Marge (JAH) Keister frustrate (host) with their poor memories
-Discover- Peter Graves (PHH) is clueless when it comes to snakes
-Eddie Spimozo's (JOL) WWII vet brother (host) wants to work at The Jungle Room
October 31, 1987-Dabney Coleman
*Lifestyles Of The Rich, Famous, & Scary- Robin Leach (DAC) interviews Elvira (real)
-Peggy Lee (NOD) sings "Fiber" to encourage use of Nature's Broom brand
-The Winning Spirit- a blind man (host) is bitter about his disability
-Don't Go Down To The Basement- rational actions help catch an axe killer
-a scoutmaster (host) tells a scary campfire story about his ex-wife
-marriage counselor (host) ignores (NOD) but gets chummy with (KEN)
-Count Dracula, Self-Taught Auto Mechanic (JOL) fixes a couple's car
-The Pat Stevens (NOD) Show- an out-of-body shopping experience & a furrier (host)
-the student council of a new high school try to come up with a mascot
-after losing $78,000 on Black Monday, (JOL) confronts his broker (host)
November 14, 1987-Robert Mitchum
*The Rolling Paper Chase- what Douglas Ginsburg (JOL) was like in the '70s
-Death Be Not Deadly- private eye Philip Marlowe (host) narrates film noir
-The Mountain Man’s (DAC) odd outdoor wisdom alienates (JOL) & (VIJ)
-Liz (NOD) averts Sweeney breakup by getting Candy's (JAH) mind off (host) with medley
-Andre (PHH) & Rex (host), Macho Hairstylists are visited by the gay mafia
-a beggar (host) tells his rich son (DAC) about how he obtained a jewel
November 21, 1987-Candice Bergen
*George Bush (DAC) announces to the nation "I'm no wimp, I've staged a coup"
-Pumping Up With Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- a look at flabby man Helmut's (PHH) faults
-after considering execution options, Anne Boleyn (host) is decapitated
-Ching Change (DAC) dislikes Loose's (NOD) positive-stereotype boyfriend (PHH)
-prostitution at the first Thanksgiving is savored by primary hustlers
-singer Lonnie Braddox (DAC) is ashamed to be "Country Through & Through"
-visible thought balloons reveal what (PHH) & (host) are really thinking
-peeping tom (KEN) interrupts Mace's (PHH) attempts at seducing hooker (JAH)
December 5, 1987-Danny DeVito
*Ronald Reagan (PHH) takes Mikhail Gorbachev (host) on a movie-related tour
-At The Movies- Siskel (KEN) & Ebert (PHH) review all-male adult movies
-Church Chat- host sings "Here Comes Santa Claus," with Church Lady (DAC) on drums
-Nancy Maloney (VIJ) returns to Eddie Spimozo's (JOL) Jungle Room to sing again
-(PHH) evaluates worthless items for a white trash couple (host) & (JAH)
-Ann Landers' (NOD) Playhouse- how to maintain a fresh date (host)
-tenant (PHH) reminisces with doorman (host) before moving out
December 12, 1987-Angie Dickinson
*incompetent translator (KEN) covers his mistakes during Gorbachev speech
-stewardess (host) calmly checks if anyone on board can land the plane
-Donahue (PHH)- Raisa Gorbachev's (NOD) popularity bugs Nancy Reagan (JAH)
-Wedgie Fever!- twisted contestant (JOL) gives wrong answers on purpose
-guests at a party accidentally bring up each other's traumatic memories
-Police Women- Mary Beth Lacey (NOD) joins Pepper (host) in undercover bust
-The Assimilated Jew's Hanukkah- Henry Kissinger (Al Franken) plugs record album
-alcohol-fueled hero Drunk Man (DAC) has superhuman confidence
December 19, 1987-Paul Simon
*the apostles prepare a surprise party for Jesus' 30th birthday
-Pumping Up With Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- injured (host) & Helmut (PHH) are assessed
-(host) is amazed by craftsmanship of gifts given by fellow castaway (VIJ)
-Master Thespian (JOL) improvises while playing Santa at Macy's
-in a ski lodge, Sweeney sisters (NOD) & (JAH) treat host to a medley of his songs
-(PHH) solicits money on a subway car by changing his story with each pass
-Succinctly Speaking- Tonto (JOL), Tarzan (KEN) & Frankenstein (PHH) rant
-at a truck stop, Anita (JAH) & friends reflect on events of the past year
January 23, 1988-Robin Williams
*Pumping Up With Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- the duo criticize Jimmy The Greek's remarks
-to recommend birth filming, (host) shows a video of his wife (VIJ) having her baby
-Learning to Feel- Denise Venetti (NOD) tells patients "look at yourself"
-on his 60th birthday, host is visited by his equally chaotic son (DAC)
-The 8th Annual ACE Awards- reruns, tickers, infomercials get their due
-Discover- Peter Graves (PHH) interviews spirits channeled through (host)
-(host)'s inability to sincerely say "I love you" bothers girlfriend (JAH)
January 30, 1988-Carl Weathers
*BushWhacked!- George (DAC) uses Morton Downey-like approach to seem tough
-The NFL Today- Jimmy The Greek (PHH) overcompensates for his prior racism
-Pat Schroeder (NOD) moderates Democratic presidential candidates' debate
-tension between (host) & his bad-ass mother-in-law (PHH) causes a shootout
-actress' (JAH) pimp-like agent (host) prevents her attempt at a new life
-Master Thespian (JOL) envies Chinaman's (DAC) ability to play Othello (host)
February 13, 1988-Justine Bateman
*Bob Dole (DAA) dominates the Republican presidential candidates' debate
-Family Ties- static flashbacks document barely-averted Keaton disasters
-Learning to Feel- Denise Venetti (NOD) again advises "look at yourself"
-Derek Stevens' (DAC) muse of a girlfriend (host) wants him to move out
-(KEN)'s "foolproof" bank robbery plan is "in & out, nobody gets hurt"
-(host)'s paranoia is justified as perfect people at a party do laugh at her
-Friday Night Videos- host & George F. Will (DAC) chat awkwardly
February 20, 1988-Tom Hanks
*Dick Buttons (PHH) loves (host)'s cowboy-themed figure skating routine
-Giant Businessman (PHH) deals with noisy neighbors without using his size
-customers at The Bean Cafe narrowly avoid telling jokes about flatulence
-The Pat Stevens (NOD) Show- GOP wives Elizabeth Dole (JAH) & Barbara Bush (PHH) babble
-desensitized losers (host) & (JOL) take female rejection in stride
-tech support operator (KEN) guides (host) through computer confusion
-Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles- countdown king (DAC) covers the Fab Four
-expectant father (DAC) misinterprets sounds coming from the delivery room
-observational stand-ups (host) (JOL) (DEM) continue their act backstage
-a pawn shop owner (PHH) pays full sentimental value for personal items
February 27, 1988-Judge Reinhold
*Pumping Up With Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- USA Olympic skier (host) isn't very pumped
-Church Chat- televangelists Pat Robertson (Al Franken) & Jimmy Swaggart (PHH) sit in
-(host) flies on a filthy, crime-ridden post-deregulation airline
-absolute power hasn't corrupted Jorge Garcia, Nice Guy Dictator (host)
-unlikely couple The Cop (host) & The Prostitute (VIJ) have career clash
-When Great Minds Meet- worldly dissimilar historical figures waste time
-pirates (KEN) & (DAC) prefer birds other than parrots on their shoulders
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