Season 14 (88-89)

October 8, 1988-Tom Hanks

*Pumping Up With Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- clips show the guys up close & personal

-Diane Sawyer (JAH) moderates Michael Dukakis (JOL) vs. George Bush (DAC)

-Mr. Short-Term Memory (host) is forgetful during a dinner date with (VIJ)

-desensitized losers (host) & (JOL) are rejected at their high school reunion

-Jew, Not a Jew- contestants try to identify celebrities' descents

-The Pat Stevens (NOD) Show- Barbara Bush (PHH) & Kitty Dukakis (JAH) bicker

October 15, 1988-Matthew Broderick

*Dan Quayle (host) plays Graduate to Nancy Reagan's (JAH) Mrs. Robinson

-flashback reveals bitter Albert Goldman (PHH) was kicked out of the Beatles

-Cooking With Monkey- (DAC) gives helpful hints for primate preparation

-at a nude beach, (host) & some other guys talk about their penises

-The Thumper Family- fundamentalist clan threaten damnation for troubles

-Learning to Feel- Denise Venetti (NOD) advises patients to “look at yourself”

-Hollywood Salute- gangster film actor (PHH) extended persona to westerns

-baby (host) & fairy (PHH) nonchalantly answer others' taunting questions

October 22, 1988-John Larroquette

*space alien Michael Dukakis (JOL) tells superiors his plan isn't working

-Dan Quayle (DAC) doesn't want to hold the top job of President

-Portrait Of The Artist- everything Picasso (JOL) touches is valuable art

-country singer Vernon Hawley, Jr.'s (host) album traces emotional swings

-diner patrons trade double entendres with a big-butt waitress (NOD)

-while in a restaurant, (host) & (VIJ) can't keep their sex life private

-This Old House- Bob Vila (host) gives repair tips for a haunted house

-Gay Communist Gun Club- (host) & (PHH) take calls from potential members

November 5, 1988-Matthew Modine

*a drill sergeant (PHH) assigns clumsy nicknames to new recruits

-The Liberal (host) is a fugitive on the run in a conservative world

-Church Chat- Church Lady (DAC) beats Morton Downey, Jr. [real] at his own game

-Dukakis After Dark- the doomed candidate (JOL) throws a cocktail party

-Win, Lose or Tie- college students' & celebrities' reading & writing skills are tested

-while watching hockey, (host) & Sammies (KEN) (DAC) exhibit more self-indifference

November 12, 1988-Demi Moore

*president-elect George Bush (DAC) has money for a gratuitous negative ad

-Beauty (JAH) & the Beast (PHH) double date with (host) & Beast’s cousin (JOL) 

-during a camping trip, Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN) ponder the universe

-The World Of Dr. Know-It-All (PHH)- animal abuse & dominance on science show

-One Man's Demons- voices in (PHH)'s head give him helpful advice

-(KEN) tries to keep his wife (host) calm as he fights a rattlesnake biting her

-(PHH), (JOL) & (DAC) teach deliverywoman Lou (NOD) how to play poker

-annoying travel agents (KEN) & (host) give (DAC) & (JAH) honeymoon ideas

-Businessman's Chatter Line lets you talk with other white-collar workers

November 19, 1988-John Lithgow

*dieting Oprah Winfrey (JAH) has delusions of food during her show

-a priest (host) hears confessions from dogs at St. Bernard's Church

-Baudelaire (host) fakes death to get Master Thespian's (JOL) role as Hamlet

-The Pat Stevens (NOD) Show- Margaret Thatcher (host) denies royal family ties

-at the Alamo, (host)'s call for volunteers is opposed in interest

-Marge Keister (JAH) tends to overstuffed male family members on Thanksgiving

-osteology professor's (host) fear of skeletons makes his job difficult

December 3, 1988-Danny DeVito

*Pumping Up With Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- cousin Arnold Schwarzenegger [real] visits

-Sex Tonight- (KEN) & Jessica Hahn (JAH) anchor the arousing news program

-Scrooge's (host) charitable overcompensation has left him penniless

-Mexican bandit (host) is remorseful after shooting (JOL) in the foot

-The Bastard Battallion- a movie features a group of vulgar WWII soldiers

-Buddy Precisely (DAC) tells non-famous diners to "wait at the bar"

-fellow guardian angels inform (host) after he unnecessarily visits (KEN)

December 10, 1988-Kevin Kline

*A Trump Christmas- Magi-like gifts cheer up Donald (PHH) & Ivana (JAH)

-Game Breakers- (host) is genuinely interested in game show contestants

-Plug Away- Harvey Fierstein (JOL) lets Jimmy Stewart (DAC) self-promote

-Harold (host) & Meg (VIJ) have extended sex in alternate Big Chill ending

-despite being stranded, ad executives manage to continue business as usual

-all of (host)'s questions to his wife (VIJ) are answered with a raspberry

December 17, 1988-Melanie Griffith

*Mephistopheles (JOL) visits Church Lady (DAC) in her bedroom on Christmas Eve

-(host) talks about the overprotective First Guardian credit card service

-New Yorker (host) & Georgian (JAH) compete to become Miss Self-Esteem USA

-small talk is difficult for secret operatives at CIA Christmas party

-Sweeney sisters (NOD) & (JAH) do medley of prison & Christmas songs for jailed hookers

-(DAC) reluctantly reclaims his Chapstick after letting people use it

-(KEN) repeatedly misinterprets (host)'s business talk as seductive cues

January 21, 1989-John Malkovich

*Ronald Reagan interrupts George Bush's (DAC) call to Super Bowl winners

-Barbara Bush (PHH) tries to get Nancy Reagan (JAH) out of the White House

-Attitudes- an interview with driftwood sculptor Len Tukwilla (host)

-Gary Busey's (PHH) motorcycle helmets have their own protection devices

-Lord Edmund (host) is unaware of servants (DAC) & (JOL) mocking him

-at a cookout, guys try to put a hurt California condor out of its misery

-Johnny Canal (host) tries to sell James Monroe (PHH) on waterways

-deejay Tony Trailer (KEN) talks annoyingly over radio station's music

January 28, 1989-Tony Danza

*after unsuccessful electrocution, Ted Bundy (DAC) discusses energy issues

-Da War Of Da Woilds- an invasion flick from The Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art

-Jesus (PHH) & other famous prophets are spotted at a celebrity restaurant

-host expressively shares his thoughts on Maydenform underwear

-(host) asks upper class woman (VIJ) to leave her husband (PHH) for him

-during a stakeout, (PHH) remains undercover while being attacked

-(host) & other diner patrons communicate via defensive-sounding queries

February 11, 1989-Ted Danson

*Sam Malone (host) in Cheers serves John Tower (PHH) & Michael Dukakis (JOL)

-The Iranian People's Court- (host) loses his hand over a Persian poodle

-(NOD), (VIJ) & (JAH) have trouble saying no, especially to (host)

-Plug Away- Harvey Firestein (JOL) talks to Roseanne Barr (VIJ) & more

-(host) & (NOD) don't mind living in an apartment with their hogs

-Grumpy Old Men (DAC) & (JOL) complain about modern conveniences

-(host) keeps an airport cab waiting while asking his wife (NOD) to come with him

February 18, 1989-Leslie Nielsen

*Iran's Most Wanted- Salman Rushdie (DAC) re-enactment with Mephistopheles (JOL)

-in a bar, (host) uses Mr. Subliminal's (KEN) technique incorrectly

-Snap Decision- contestants try to deal with (host)’s irregular game show rules

-The Pat Stevens (NOD) Show- guests are models Kim Alexis, Beverly Johnson & Cheryl Tiegs [real]

-The 1960s Movie- film contains absurd elements typical of the genre

-host pitches Geritech products Blotch-Off, DripMaster, Bungking & Solidex

-on a date with (JAH), (host) always finds the exact wrong thing to say

-Wayne's (MIM) World- public access show is presented in teen basement

February 25, 1989-Glenn Close

*special interest groups in favor of censorship blockade a bookstore

-fellow support group members lend encouragement & advice to Alex Forrest (host)

-Pumping Up With Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- clip of the duo's Fantasy Dinner Date video

-rabid pooches compete at the 49th Annual Westminster Mad Dog Show

-Master Thespian (JOL) acts with Romeo & Juliet co-star & lover Astoria DuBois V (host)

-(host) musically explains the 9 different levels on which (JOL) offended her

-an elderly woman (host) is still envious of her recently-deceased sister

March 25, 1989-Mary Tyler Moore

*(JOL) calls out the names of "best frightened crowd" Academy Award winners

-The Dan Quayle (DAC) Show with his wife Marilyn (host) is Van Dyke-esque

-smugglers tell a friendly customs officer (host) what they're carrying

-third Sweeney sister Audrey (host) joins Liz (NOD) & Candy (JAH) for a medley

-robotic repairman (PHH) grows agitated over his show's misleading titles

-host uses the Lady Rhemington shaver to plow through her thick leg hair

-host relapses while portraying gangster in an attempt to defy typecasting

-Wayne's (MIM) World- an apology to Beev (PHH) & math teacher (host) tries to be cool

April 1, 1989-Mel Gibson

*Pete Rose's (PHH) gambling info source Rain Man (DAC) has turned on him

-Tales Of Ribaldry- suggestive story of a woodsman (host) & a lady (NOD)

-incompetents can get good jobs at Exxon School of Supertanker Steering

-anal-retentive Gene (PHH) gets distracted before showing how to cook

-sheriff Josh Acid's (host) name binds him to use an unconventional weapon

-ladies line up for an appointment with dream gynecologist host

-Lethal Weapon VI- Riggs (host) & Murtaugh (Danny Glover) make a drug bust

April 15, 1989-Dolly Parton

*Joseph Hazelwood (KEN) & other Exxon workers remove oil from Alaska rocks

-Lothar (MIM) Of The Hill People- primitive guys on "walking with women"

-small-breasted (host) is exiled from the Planet of the Enormous Hooters

-Sprockets- Dieter (MIM) interviews Eddie Munster himself, Butch Patrick (BES)

-patrons of The Rusty Bone bar have traits similar to those of dogs & cats

-Buddy Precisely (DAC) tells more unimportant people to “wait at the bar”

-cashier's (host) ice-breaking turns NYC residents from sour to friendly

-hum along with album of 10 Beatles Classics You Kind Of Know The Words To

April 22, 1989-Geena Davis

*George Bush (DAC) gives status report after his first 100 days in office

-The Bob Waltman (KEN) Special- celebrity tears make interviews successful

-alterations to Snow White story were made to avoid lawsuit from Disney

-Attitudes- an interview with the owner of a vintage clothes shop (host)

-The Palmer Bunch- singer Robert (PHH) with his "Addicted To Love" models

-hikers (host) (DAC) (MIM) (VIJ) fail to follow warnings of suspended animation chamber

-potential game show models learn the essential gestures from (host)

-after the apocalypse, last woman (host) still won't date last guy (JOL)

May 13, 1989-Wayne Gretzky

*Panama election indecency monitor Jimmy Carter (DAC) is bullied

-host hooks a big one while fishing with anal-retentive Gene (PHH)

-Wayne's (MIM) World- a fantasy one-on-one hockey game with host

-This Week With David Brinkley (PHH)- experts take discussion outdoors

-after Stanley Cup loss, celebrities join host in the locker room

-Point Blank- neither host nor (VIJ) have advice for callers

-Waikiki Hockey- a Hawaiian busboy (host) has Elvis-like experience

May 20, 1989-Steve Martin

*George Bush (DAC) gives status report on highs & lows of his term so far

-Pumping Up With Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- most perfectly pumped-up man (host) shows off

-Tammy Wynette (JAH) Sings The Classics with "Stand By Your Man" lyrics

-Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car- he can do it, just not very well

-Lorne Michaels previews new issue-related Coneheads skits for the next generation

-Sprockets- Dieter's (MIM) lover Heike (NOD) reviews the performance of a clown

-Smokers Cable Network news anchors present items related to tobacco