September 30, 1989-Bruce Willis
*crack-holding George Bush (DAC) dares Medellin cartel to attack his clan
-Wayne's (MIM) World- coolest senior (host) makes "sphincter" the new hip word
-anal-retentive Gene (PHH) shows how to saw a board & dispose of the chippings
-Johnny O'Connor (PHH) takes a backseat to new leading man (host)
-Sprockets- Jimmy Stewart's (DAC) cute poems have depressing tones
-album of host's bluesy commercial jingles pays for all his possessions
October 7, 1989-Rick Moranis
*Jackie Mason (host) apologizes & endorses Ronald Lauder for NYC mayor
-Leona Helmsley (NOD), Zsa Zsa Gabor (VIJ), Bakkers (JAH) & (host) go nuts
-Honey, I Shrunk Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- the tiny musclemen deal with a mouse
-Merv Griffin (host) does all the work at his money-losing hotel
-(PHH), (host), (MIM) & (NOD) unsuccessfully try to ride a wild horse
-new commissioner (PHH) alters baseball rules in memory of Bart Giamatti
-in a bar, (JAH), (NOD) & (VIJ) bother a cute guy (host) with baby talk
-Word Busters- contestants have to come up with the correct pain response
October 21, 1989-Kathleen Turner
*The Miracle Of Fatima '89- American flag tells (host) "don't burn me"
-Plug Away- Harvey Firestein (JOL) lets Lee Iacocca (PHH) promote
-Die Squaren Ost Berliner- celebrity departures make game difficult
-Egg Man (PHH)- an ovum companion advises (host) about her wild son (DAC)
-Lank Thompson (MIM) plugs his "I'm A Handsome Man" course
-All About Deborah Norville (host)- Jane Pauley (JAH) faces competition
-average-seekers (host) & (KEN) enjoy their run-of-the-mill blind date
-Linda Ellerbee (NOD) & Willard Scott (JOL) do final ad for Maxwell House
October 28, 1989-James Woods
*The Tonight Show- Johnny Carson (DAC) interviews VIJ & Nancy Reagan (JAH)
-Dracula (host) screens (JAH), (VIJ), (NOD) for AIDS risk factors
-Primetime Live- Sam Donaldson (KEN) & Diane Sawyer (JAH) banter awkwardly
-club owner (PHH) suggests changes to (host)'s absurd ventriloquist act
-Three Dudes (DAC) (JOL) (host) Holistic Automotive gives a New Age approach to car care
November 11, 1989-Chris Evert
*host trashes the locker room after losing in the finals at Wimbledon
-George Bush (DAC) takes credit for the destruction of the Berlin Wall
-after retiring from tennis, host can't avoid Martina Navratilova (NOD)
-Bette Davis' (JAH) kids (PHH) & (NOD) watch a videotape of her will
-Lothar (MIM) Of The Hill People- chieftain responsibilities are discussed
-effeminate heterosexual Lyle Billup (DAC) fits the gay stereotype
-cast doesn't share Lorne Michaels' amusement at host's embarrassing sketch
-The Nude House of Wacky People- Sony-produced show stereotypes Americans
November 18, 1989-Woody Harrelson
*Five Easy Pieces '89- Jack Nicholson (PHH) collects his Batman royalties
-Who's Dumber- VIJ & host compete to be the stupidest person in America
-Pumping Up With Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- Roseanne Barr (VIJ) undergoes liposuction
-Attitudes- maker of food miniatures Paul Tinso (host) displays his work
-lonesome cowboys (host) (PHH) (DAC) sing about life on the range
-WWII soldier (host) receives bad news about his body from doctor (KEN)
-Sprockets- dark East German filmmaker (host) has rapidly Westernized
-adult education students make dumb assumptions about each other
December 2, 1989-John Goodman
*committee questions George Bailey (DAC) about his failed savings & loan
-Wayne's (MIM) World- movie reviews and re-enactments for Aurora's Most Wanted
-Cajun chef's (host) cooking style is hampered by anal-retentive Gene (PHH)
-Toonces gets help when Martians (Al Franken) & (Tom Davis) land on Earth
-holiday bickering on The Mike Ditka (PHH) Type-A Christmas Special
-The Referee Pitman Show- audience members politely criticize (host)
-suburban gang member's (MIM) parents (host) & (NOD) are proud
December 9, 1989-Robert Wagner
*George Bush (DAC) talks about Malta conference & avoids waking Dan Quayle
-Matt Stevers, Male Nurse (host) suffers workplace gender discrimination
-Attack Of The Masturbating Zombies- small town battles undead diddlers
-Tales Of The Runaway Boulder- a big rock visits three separate couples
-A Betty Ford (JAH) Straight Arrow Christmas- recovered singers stay drug-free
-in a restaurant, (JAH) discovers that suave (host) is a very sloppy eater
-In The Middle- (JOL) & (DAC) use (host)'s political analysis to debate
-Swivel Chair Mystery Theatre- furniture is used to add dramatic effect
December 16, 1989-Andie MacDowell
*KEN's drunk driving message is interrupted by the Energizer Bunny
-The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Christmas- (JOL) helps sick Santa (PHH)
-exotic baby-carrying devices make (host) insecure about her parenting
-Church Chat- Nadia Comaneci (JAH), Leona Helmsley (NOD) & host are analyzed
-visitors to bride-to-be's (host) bedroom remind her- "this is your day"
January 13, 1990-Ed O’Neill
*George Bush (DAC) will try bizarre plan of pal Manuel Noriega (JOL)
-a shopkeeper (host) gives suggestive descriptions while recommending store items
-Wayne's (MIM) World- driving instructor (host) watches boozin' & cruisin' skit
-(host) takes up his wife's (NOD) nagging role after he arrives home late
-expect distressed property with Dennis Woo's (MIM) Real Estate Fortunes The Easy Way
-mourners at Ceaucescu's wake give backhanded compliments about the tyrant
-Lothar (MIM) Of The Hill People- (host) says "men are better than women"
January 20, 1990-Christopher Walken
*The Tonight Show- guests are Andrew Dice Clay (JOL) & Mikhail Gorbachev (PHH)
-Eternity- mysterious drama filters perfume-inspired game show
-surrogate dumper (host) employed by (VIJ)'s boyfriend ends relationship
-The Continental (host) tries to seduce a woman visiting his apartment
-Attitudes- a talk with sports event evangelist Rainbow Head (host)
-Lease With An Option To Kill- Max Zorin's (host) headquarters aren't ready
-Hardbound- interviewer (KEN) is eager to learn more about writer (host)
February 10, 1990-Quincy Jones
*Pumping Up With Hans (DAC) & Franz (KEN)- a muscle serenade for Valentine's Day
-after Hoke (host) quits, Toonces takes over Driving Miss Daisy (JAH)
-The Bob Waltman (KEN) Special- Marion Barry (host) & Ronald Reagan (PHH) cry
-Jazz Perspectif- fawning hipsters (DAC) & (JOL) idolize "le Q" host
-reverend (host) & rabbi (JOL) try to repair a rift between blacks & Jews
-Soviet Central Committee authorize Gorbachev's (PHH) wild proposals
-House Committee On Dials & Gauges questions (KEN) about unsafe controls
February 17, 1990-Tom Hanks
*Donald (PHH) defeats Ivana (JAH) through systematic Trump prenuptial agreement
-Wayne's (MIM) World- Aerosmith [real] plays thanks to Garth's (DAC) roadie cousin (host)
-Tales of Ribaldry- (VIJ) & (JAH) enlist services of a polisher (host)
-Mr. Short-Term Memory (host) visits an injured friend (PHH) in the hospital
-Eye on Chest Hair- bushy celebrities show off their hairy arrangements
-personal testimony of (NOD) recalls how the mob saved her business
-desensitized losers (host) & (JOL) hit on elderly women aboard a cruise ship
February 24, 1990-Fred Savage
*Church Chat- Church Lady (DAC) & her niece (host) criticize Marla Maples (JAH)
-results of leaving (host) home with a gun demonstrate firearm safety don'ts
-The Pat Stevens (NOD) Show- guests are her neglected daughter Missy (VIJ) & host
-(host)'s parents pressure him to develop a more creative imaginary friend
-Space Shuttle countdown is repeatedly stopped due to launch pad wanderers
-Lothar (MIM) Of The Hill People- his son (host) gets prepared for the manhood ritual
March 17, 1990-Rob Lowe
*George Bush (DAC) doesn't gloat while host worries about reaction to his sex tape
-Irish Drinking Songs- album features lots of drunkenness & vomiting
-Church Chat- Church Lady (DAC) stays off tape topic then paddles host
-Sprockets- trendsetter (host) displays Trout Dance at Dieter's (MIM) Dance Party
-The Arsenio Beckman (host) Show- interaction with audience dominates
-pretty boy (host) agrees to be personal trainer for cellmate Mace (PHH)
-Helmet Head (host) lives his life with unremovable wartime equipment
-fur merchant (JOL) says animals that became pelts are better off dead
March 24, 1990-Debra Winger
*Ronald Reagan (PHH) can't answer any of census-taker's (VIJ) questions
-Wayne's (MIM) World- Oscar Picks and Chick Court finds that (host) is not a slut
-Urban Toonces joins Bud (DAC) & Sissy (host) for tequila & a bull ride
-The Adventures Of Calamity Jane (host)- therapy helps explain her nature
-other castmembers upstage JOL's attempt at a romantic scene with host
-Mephistopheles (JOL) defends his album at Senate hearings on record labelling
April 14, 1990-Corbin Bernsen
*CBS outcast Brent Musberger (KEN) works at the Cable Shopping Network
-host & other actors who play lawyers on TV try their act in a real court
-Hanukkah Harry (JOL) & the prophet Elijah sub for the Easter Bunny (host)
-intellectual baseball questions on George F. Will's (DAC) Sports Machine
-(JAH) discovers that her date (host) is preoccupied with his own image
-Movers & Shakers- character names offer legitimacy to (KEN)'s shows
-Playgirl models (KEN), (DAC) & (host) prepare their penises for the people
April 21, 1990-Alec Baldwin
*George Bush (DAC) talks about the environment & licks glaucoma drops
-Greenhilly- Mr. Cherrywood (host) passionately kisses everyone at the country club
-The Environmentally Conscious One- biker (host) fights against pollution
-the Greta Garbo (JAH) James O'Brien (host) knew really wanted to be alone
-Only In New York- Joey Adams (PHH) jokes while his wife Cindy (NOD) gossips
-(JOL) follows his dream & makes The Nude Talk Show a cable access success
-sexual tension is thick as waitress (JAH) takes (host)'s breakfast order
-Middle-Aged Man Ed Miles (MIM) helps (host) with his impotence problem
May 12, 1990-Andrew Dice Clay
*host gets the It's A Wonderful Life treatment from Mephistopheles (JOL)
-host's employment agency offers jobs dealing with illegal activities
-anal-retentive Gene (PHH) & his mother (JAH) prepare to make ladyfinger cake
-Dad, What's Sex?- (host) uses slang to teach his son (MIM) about the birds & bees
-deejay Tony Trailer's (KEN) commentary cuts into songs, ads & guests
-Cool Mite- tiny troublemaker (host) tells buddies of his latest exploits
-Ridiculous Bull- Jake La Motta (host) asks his brother (JOL) to beat him up
May 19, 1990-Candice Bergen
*in light of budget shortage, George Bush (DAC) says "no huge new taxes"
-jealous Toonces abducts & impersonates (host)'s gifted driving cat Spunky
-loser Craig Talbert (JOL) to women in their 30s- "lower your standards"
-The Tonight Show- guests are Jay Leno (KEN) & a 92-year-old woman (JAH)
-Wayne's (MIM) World- a fantasy summer romance with Garth's (DAC) mom Hillary (host)
-Once Upon A Time- (MIM)'s sheep turds cheer up unhappy queen (host)
-executive (host) insists on handling all tedious office tasks herself
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