September 25, 1993-Charles Barkley
*Bill Clinton (PHH) tells what the health care plan will & won't cover
-Larry King (KEN) Live- divorced Burt Reynolds (PHH) takes truth serum
-Daily Affirmation- Stuart (Al Franken) pushes Muggsy Bogues [real] to lend host some support
-Gap girls Kristy (DAS) & Lucy (ADS) recall unpleasant experience with Skid Row [real]
-Coffee Talk- Linda (MIM) takes some calls on Yom Kippur
-host's store offers clothes for big & tall black males
-tribal art dealer (ROS) hypes the weed-holding abilities of artifacts
-What's That?- contestants guess the sex of crossdressed men
-host stresses the importance of human-mule cooperation in donkey basketball
October 2, 1993-Shannen Doherty
*Operaman (ADS) comes within one number of hitting the lottery jackpot
-The Real World- diverse young adults are sensitive to apparent prejudice
-The Denise Show- jilted Brian (ADS) is obsessed with ex-girlfriend (host)
-Is It Date Rape?- (host) & (CHF) use Antioch College guidelines to decide
-The Relapse Guy (CHF) says he's changed, but he's still unreliable
-colonial lynch mob wants to find (host) guilty at Salem Bitch Trial
October 9, 1993-Jeff Goldblum
*Aerosmith [real] & other artists sing to protest Michael Jordan's retirement
-subway musician's (ROS) lyrics contradict what he says while not playing
-at a baseball game, wave-starter (host) feels fans don't appreciate him
-other club patrons make (host) feel self-conscious about his bad dancing
-host rents a porno from name-dropping video store owner Karl (DAS)
-at a garage sale, (host) & other neighborhood adults mock Canteen Boy (ADS)
-Christopher Walken (JAM) & Celebrity Psychic Friends want to visit you
-History's Great Over-Thinkers- (host) can't decide which mind should talk
October 23, 1993-John Malkovich
*Phillies spit while Anne Murray (MEH) sings "Oh, Canada" at World Series
-on witness stand, Erik (ROS) & Lyle (host) Menendez blame their twins
-Theatre Stories- Charlton Heston (PHH) & Brits talk about porno films
-Of Mice & Men- Disney's version features two Lennys (host) & (CHF)
-Ruining It For Everyone- guests' actions prompted defensive measures
-James Carville (host) urges Hillary Clinton (JAH) to run in 1996
-assassin (host) gets wrong numbers while trying to phone Frank Horrigan
October 30, 1993-Christain Slater
*Coffee Talk- in a Barbra costume for Halloween, Linda (MIM) takes some calls
-Matt Foley (CHF) lectures teens (MEH), (DAS) & (host) about Halloween vandalism
-Sassy's Sassiest Boys- host & other stars are unthreateningly rebellious to (PHH)
-(host) & fellow teens debate what their band's name & focus should be
-tribal art dealers (ROS) & (host) deny marijuana possession during police bust
-New Englanders Tony (ADS) & Bobby (KEN) Vallencourt drink & take calls
-joke headline shop owner (host) keeps calling his customers idiots
-Trent Markham, Lung Doctor (PHH)- cigarettes escape blame in the '50s
November 13, 1993-Rosie O’Donnell
*The Packwood Diaries- the senator (PHH) recalls females he harassed
-Frank Sinatra (PHH) & pop stars quickly record duets
-Daily Affirmation- Stuart (Al Franken) advises John (MIM) & Lorena (host) Bobbitt
-waiter (KEN) overestimates his ability to remember order of (PHH) & (host)
-The Tomboy & The Sissy- odd couple (host) & (DAS) teaches each other skills
-Dick Clark's receptionist (DAS) controls access to the California fires shelter
-(JUS) tries to invite homegirls (ELC), (MEH) & (host) to her birthday party
November 20, 1993-Nicole Kidman
*Wayne's World- Wayne (MIM) & Garth (DAC) give their thoughts on some 1993 movies
-The Denise Show- her best friend (host) is interested in Brian (ADS)
-hyperactive Phillip (MIM) talks with another kid (host) at the jungle gym
-Sprockets- (CHF), (host) & shemale Susan (PHH) play Das Ist Jeopardy!
-at a bar, a married woman (MEH) thinks all the guys are hitting on her
-(host), (PHH), (JUS) & (MIM) take turns arguing in the kitchen
December 4, 1993-Charlton Heston
*host wakes up to a Planet Of The Apes dystopia in Studio 8H
-Coffee Talk- Linda's (MIM) gentile boyfriend (host) wants to get married
-Gangsta Rap Dance Smashes! is just the album to liven up white partygoers
-the executive President Dexter’s (host) Illiterate secret is revealed
-King Solomon Junior High's Career Day guests include false prophet (host)
-in response to Brady Bill, host announces NRA's Five-Day Loaner Program
-stock boy (host) with 42 years of experience uses threats to keep his job
-Dathan (ROS) says bad things about Moses (host) behind his back
-Herlihy Boy House-Sitting Service- (ADS) wants to go beyond typical duties
December 11, 1993-Sally Field
*ADS plays guitar & sings a song about why he won't get toys for Christmas
-I Want My Baby Back!- host in TV movie about a mother trying to reclaim her kid
-soft focus hides Elizabeth Taylor's (host) age in White Diamonds perfume ad
-Headgames- quizmaster (PHH) messes with his relatives' minds on game show
-shopping mall Santa Matt Foley (CHF) teaches kids about harsh realities of life
-first-timer (host) feels uneasy at a crab lice singles' club mixer
-Dr. Jack Kevorkian (NOM) shows attention-getting suicide attempt machine
-Jesus (PHH) asks a religious housewife (host) to pray more selectively
January 8, 1994-Jason Patric
*Rudy Giuliani's (KEN) son Andrew (CHF) upstages his NYC mayoral inauguration
-The NFL on FOX- John Madden (CHF) & Luke Perry (host) anchor at halftime
-The Road To Self-Improvement is Don Lapre's (DAS) word decreasing scheme
-Mister Intense (host) is the life of the party delighting everyone with serious actions
-Coffee Talk- Richard Simmons [real] gives diet tips to Linda (MIM) by singing Streisand
-Where's The Rest Of Me?- a hand model (host) copes after losing a finger
-Herlihy Boy Dog Sitting Service- (ADS) wants to commit to his tasks
-while riding a ski lift, (host) has a strange conversation with (KEN)
January 15, 1994-Sara Gilbert
*Tonya Harding (MEH) whacks John Bobbitt (MIM) in the groin on Court TV
-(ROS) claims to be a girl, but his female roommates won't shower with him
-Simon (MIM)- bathtime with his dad's girlfriend's filthy daughter (host)
-Gap girls Kristy (DAS) & Lucy (ADS) hang out with boss Cindy (CHF) at Tater Junction
-Blossom (MEH)- dad's (KEN) proud she's having sex, but driving is not allowed
-a moody teen (host) is upset about her family’s vacations every year
-Rob Schneider's Girlfriend Theater- (KEN) & (host) act out her evilness
-20 Questions With Bryant Gumbel (TIM)- host is repeatedly asked "Why?"
February 5, 1994-Patrick Stewart
*Michael Jackson (TIM) combats his pedophile image by hitting on women
-Stuart Rankin (MIM) visits Phil McCracken, Scottish Therapist (host)
-bakery owner's (host) sexy cakes all feature women going to the bathroom
-The Love Boat, The Next Generation- space romance sets a course for love
-The Cosby Mysteries- Bill (ADS) spouts gibberish while investigating a murder
-Satan's (host) mystique loses its impact after he chokes on a grape
-Show & Tell with Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders (ELC) includes a visible rectum
-It's Not Their Fault- defense attorney Leslie Abramson (JUS) has excuses
February 12, 1994-Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger
*Alec remembers goofily-nicknamed goodfellas he used to hang around with
-while camping, Canteen Boy (ADS) opposes scoutmaster's (Alec) advances
-back at the jungle gym, Phillip (MIM) asks girl (Kim) to be his Valentine
-Family Feud- hosts, Billy & Stephen Baldwin [real] give showbiz answers
-romantic men (Alec), (PHH) & (MIM) impress (CHF)'s girlfriend (JUS)
-The Adventures of Tiny Elvis (ROS)- atom bomb test makes him microscopic
-Pyramid Of Pain- Mickey Ross' (Alec) threats of force induce weight loss
February 19, 1994-Martin Lawrence
*Jeff Gillooly (ROS) shares his concerns about the Clinton health care plan
-Thugs- muggers (host) & (PHH) offer commentary during a night of work
-Daily Affirmation- initially-hostile host opens up to Stuart (Al Franken)
-Matt Foley (CHF) & prisoner (host) try to scare juvenile delinquents straight
-bike messenger (MIM) speaks poetically about his job & talks with pedestrians
-during a game, New Jersey Nets benchwarmer (host) shows (TIM) the ropes
-Ricki Lake (MEH)- Joe Jackson (host) & Ike Turner (TIM) defend themselves
March 12, 1994-Nancy Kerrigan
*Bill Clinton (PHH) announces that Hillary's to blame for Whitewater mess
-Sports Beat- host, (NOM) & biathlete (ROS) discuss post-Olympic life
-host is grand marshal of a St. Patrick's Day parade in a depressing town
-The Denise Show- Brian's (ADS) old flame Linda (host) returns to see him
-Latin lover Don Mateo (PHH) thinks waitress (host) is hot-blooded
-skater (host) tries to cope with partner's (CHF) recent weight gain
-Black R&B Singers Today- excitable (ELC) interviews Aretha Franklin [real]
March 19, 1994-Helen Hunt
*Cindy Crawford [real] introduces Rockers To Help Explain Whitewater video
-Total Bastard Airlines employees (DAS) & (host) say "buh-bye" to passengers
-Coffee Talk- Linda (MIM) & host discuss which Oscar nominees they like
-Profiles in Cowardice- interviewed wimps describe their unheroic acts
-a director (MMK) provokes an emotional performance from (host) using sexism
-The Washing Machine- a movie from the director of The Piano stars (ELC)
-Astounding Information- (KEN) shows (host) how to use Miracle Egg Fryer
-Rob Schneider's Girlfriend Theater- (KEN) & (host) prove she's still evil
April 9, 1994-Kelsey Grammer
*Hillary Clinton (JAH) advertises her book of investment advice
-Inhibited Dance Party USA- the least introverted couple is (host) & (MEH)
-Rudy (KEN) & Andrew (CHF) Giuliani attend a Yankee game full of foul balls
-20,000 Leagues Under The Sea- Captain Nemo (host) tries to explain units
-Sunday Morning with Charles Kuralt (NOM)- sex with women met on the road
-Captain Jim (TIM) & Pedro (ADS) compete for a job at Foot Locker
-(host) & other manly guys sing "I Am A Man" from Iron John, The Musical
April 16, 1994-Emilio Estevez
*Michael Fay (host) gets his punishment from a friendly caner (KEN)
-Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz- cool kids identify types of high school outcasts
-The Whitewater Folder- host in latest movie based on a John Grisham book
-How Much Ya Bench?- supposedly steroid-free weightlifters take some calls
-The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service- (ADS) wants to bathe and marry her
-stupid Poker Billy (host) doesn't know how to play the card game
May 7, 1994-John Goodman
*New York governor hopefuls Mario Cuomo (PHH) & Howard Stern (MMK) debate
-Captain Jim (TIM) & Pedro (ADS) go on a date with (host)'s daughters (MEH) & (SAS)
-NRA's American Sportsman Today- Rush Limbaugh (CHF) & Ron Wood (MIM) hunt
-Cops- Bill (PHH) & Hillary (JAH) Clinton are quiet after a domestic dispute
-Theatre Stories- Christopher Walken (JAM) & Michael Caine (PHH) on panel
-beaten, incompetent ninjas regroup & plan their next encounter
-In His Own Words- Michael Bolton's (KEN) album contains unoriginal songs
-while (host) & (JUS) are in his cab, (ROS) talks about killer taxi drivers
May 14, 1994-Heather Locklear
*Coffee Talk- Linda (MIM) & friend (host) have tickets to see Barbra in concert
-Wayne (MIM) dreams that he's with Amanda (host) in Melrose Place
-Hot Button- Clarence Thomas (TIM) & Ted Kennedy (PHH) sexually harass
-in a bar, (KEN) tries to match (host)'s silent, nontraditional flirting
-60 Minutes- Andy Rooney (NOM) reads addresses off letters he's received
-Amazing Time Savers- bigoted (host) sells pasta makers to home shoppers
-L'Homme d'Orgasme- Orgasm Guy (ROS) visits his French cousin (Rafael Fuchs)
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