September 24, 1994-Steve Martin
*CHF, DAS, CSE, ADS & TIM audition to replace President Clinton impersonation
-Court TV covers highlights from the trial of O.J. Simpson (TIM)
-host lists some of the uses for his all-natural penis beauty cream
-Total Bastard Airlines employees (DAS) & (ELC) demonstrate more of their rude behavior
-The Ron Wood (MIM) Show- interviews consist of incoherent mumbling
-(MMK) sings song about country musician Buck Daniels' (host) tragic life
-(CSE) & (KEN) come up with confusing jingles for the Nut-Rific candy bar
-(CHF) & (JAG) get defensive because they feel their baby is inferior
October 1, 1994-Marisa Tomei
*Bill Clinton (MMK) discusses his scaled-back universal health care plan
-Mona Lisa Vito (host) testifies on behalf of O.J. Simpson (TIM)
-Piercing Today- various punctured people compare notes on body rackings
-rowdy (ADS) & (CHF) ruin adult education sex course instructed by (CSE) & (JAG)
-Daily Affirmation- Stuart (Al Franken) guides Michael Jackson (TIM) & Lisa Marie Presley (host)
-a face-off between monologists Eric Bogosian (ADS) & Spaulding Gray (MMK)
-'70s high schoolers (ADS) & (host) engage in small talk while dancing
October 15, 1994-John Travolta
*"Stayin' Alive" follows host as he wanders lost through the studio
-Coffee Talk- Linda (MIM) welcomes a Barbra Streisand impersonator (host)
-Count Dracula (host) tries to convince (KEN) & (JAG) that he's not gay
-“Welcome Back Kotter” is presented in the style of Quentin Tarantino
-women's self-defense class participants kick unprepared (CSE)'s genitals
-Larry King (KEN) Live- Marlon Brando (host) exploits indulgent interview
-a small office causes co-workers (CHF) & (TIM) to yell at everybody
-a drug dealer's (host) hearing difficulties lead to miscommunication
October 22, 1994-Dana Carvey
*from Houston, George Bush [real] responds to DAC’s impression of him
-Johnny Carson (DAC) cross-examines witnesses in the O.J. Simpson trial
-Ross Perot's (DAC) Halloween visitors include trick-or-treaters and brash teens
-master pepper miller (DAC) teaches apprentice (ADS) sensations of the craft
-Nobel Prizes are awarded in a star-studded, televised extravaganza
-(TIM) shamelessly makes up excuses to avoid getting in trouble at work
November 12, 1994-Sarah Jessica Parker
*incumbent Democrat (CSE) gives concession speech after GOP landslide win
-Good Morning Brooklyn- (host) & James Barone (JAM) offer local flavor
-Confucius (CHF) visits the abusive owner of a fortune cookie shop (MIM)
-The Casting Couch- Robert Evans (MMK) gives starlet (host) a lesson in showbiz
-the Munchkins want nothing to do with accidental hero Dorothy (JAG)
November 19, 1994-John Turturro
*It's A Wonderful Newt (CHF)- Richard Nixon (host) shows a liberal future
-Celebrity Psychic Friend Gary Busey (MMK) joins Christopher Walken (JAM)
-(JAG) repeatedly hangs up the phone before (host) gets a chance to talk
-Robert DeNiro (host) stars in the musical version of Taxi Driver
-Stop That- (host) mimics his show's guests until they get annoyed & leave
-tourism-dependent Jamaicans (ELC) & (TIM) insist "go ahead, treat us like dirt"
-The Movie Club- brothers (host) & (ADS) recommend tapes to rent
December 3, 1994-Roseanne
*at a press conference, Jesse Helms (MIM) expands his presidential threats
-USAir employees talk about the airline's improved flight safety measures
-parallels to host's life in Tom Arnold (CHF) & Madonna (JAG) TV movie
-Rescue 911- rude operator (host) answers emergency calls in Philadelphia
-weight-conscious (host), (ELC) & (LAK) investigate fat content in yogurt
-Civil War Memories- high school dropouts talk about Battle of Charleston
-out of (host)'s multiple personalities, psychiatrist (NOM) prefers the whore
-Funny Strange shop owner (CSE) envies twin's (CSE) novelty store success
-Lock-Up is Bobby Blake's (LAK) women's prison talk show
December 10, 1994-Alec Baldwin
*Joycelyn Elders (ELC) gets the hook after too much masturbation talk
-Santa-believing parents (host) & (JAG) are baffled by the lack of presents
-L.A. Breast & Penis- hospital's solution is always cosmetic surgery
-American tourist (CHF) is contestant on a high-stakes Japanese game show
-Rookie Cop- barfing NYC policemen set off a vomit chain in the city
-The Young & The Youthful- (host)'s idiot evil twin (host) replaces him
-(MMK) & (JAG) deliver empty threats to misbehaving kids during a long drive
-(JAG) is scarred for life when unsexy exotic dancer (CSE) gyrates for her
-(host) & (CSE) auction stolen celebrity memorabilia
December 17, 1994-George Foreman
*Bill (MMK) & Hillary (JAG) Clinton pander to the middle class with gifts
-Time Boxer- host is sent back in time and fights Hitler (MIM) in 1939
-Looking Good- host's makeovers involve beating up his subjects
-Matt Foley's (CHF) unusual training restores host's will to hit people
-(KEN) recruits reluctant Uncle Joe (host) to sing at a wedding reception
-Incredible Hulk (host) shares viewers' disinterest towards repetitive sketch
-Jackie Stallone's (JAG) Psychic Circle says "be like Sylvester, not Frank"
January 14, 1995-Jeff Daniels
*Newt Gingrich (CHF) disregards procedure & passes legislation rapid-fire
-near MLK Day, (TIM) exploits the white guilt of fellow office workers
-Connie Chung (LAK) requests more soundbites from Kathleen Gingrich (JAG)
-Entertainment Tonight- Ron Wood (MIM) mumbles with the stars of Nell
-mystery dinner theater actor (CHF) extends his death scene by refusing to die
-Film Beat- (CSE) documents host's career with Dumb & Dumber potty clip
-Gay Stripper Theater- queer male exotic dancers add drama to performances
-Steven Tyler (ADS) & Joe Perry (JAM) play Aerosmith's same-sounding songs
January 21, 1995-David Hyde Pierce
*Judge Ito (MIM) decides what evidence will be allowed in the O.J. trial
-(CHF) & (JAG) use rock song lyrics to do well in (host)'s poetry class
-Tales Of Little Women- polite kids turn nasty after falling through the ice
-Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly- rowdy Andy (MIM) & Ian (MAM) talk sports
-the crew of a spaceship accuse nerdy (host) of being the robot spy
-(MMK) dislikes fellow lawyer's (host) nervous habit of sheep shearing
-Jersey kids' (ADS) & (DAS) fun with foreigner (host) brings instant karma
-Perspectives- urban community programming with Lionel Osbourne (TIM)
-“Claire” (CSE) finds an unwilling Internet sex partner in Darryl (MAM)
-Movie News- small print reveals the "show" to be a vehicle for Disney ads
February 11, 1995-Bob Newhart
*Colin Ferguson (TIM) tries to defend himself against murder charges
-Ricki Lake (JAM)- Bob Hartley (host) gives advice about odd love triangle
-Book Buzz- (CHF)'s world record book has only personally provable triumphs
-Baywatch- lifeguards are slow to react towards rescuing a drowning man (CHF)
-employee relations officer (host) talks with a disgruntled postal worker
-Sports Beat- ups & downs of a manic-depressive announcer's (host) career
February 18, 1995-Deion Sanders
*O.J. Simpson (TIM) wins over jurors during a field trip to his house
-other sources of income allow host to promote baseball strike solidarity
-1995 Espy Awards- sports honors with John Goodman (CHF) & more
-mission into UFO leaves macho commandos naked, defensive & demoralized
-rappers (host), (TIM) & (ADS) perform short songs with simple lyrics
-Perspectives- director of boys' athletic club (host) discusses work
-to help a sick boy (CHF), host hotdogs & taunts opponents during a game
February 25, 1995-George Clooney
*it's Black History Month, but ELC & TIM can't find contemporary heroes
-(host) experiences good luck while (CHF) gets splashed by jumping whale
-Taxicab Confessions- passengers don't mind telling their secrets on HBO
-WR- Dr. Ross (host) & Dr. Greene (CSE) keep patients in the waiting room
-railroad engineer applicant (MAM) is willing to do whatever (host) wants
-The Mack Reardon Story- the career of a tough-luck country singer (host)
-Zagat's- Hank Gelfand (ADS) complains as his wife Beverly (CHF) reads about diners
-mayor of Emory, Illinois (MMK) wants abortion protesters to come to town
March 18, 1995-Paul Reiser
*uneasy Newt Gingrich (CHF) holds a press conference with his lesbian half-sister (MAM)
-with Superman out of action, lesser superheroes address incoming meteor
-Road To The Final Four- (host) & (KEN) pretend to like women's basketball
-Sparklebrite toothpaste commercial prominently features interracial kiss
-Daily Affirmation- Stuart (Al Franken) tries to help his drunk cameraman (CHF)
-Mad About You Aliens- (host) enjoys life with his external wife
-Dating In The Nineties- host is mistakenly labeled as sexually inexperienced
-at the One Brother Restaurant, (host) explains oddly-named menu items
-O'Callahan (MMK) & Son (JAM) Pub owners berate wimpy beverage choices
March 25, 1995-John Goodman
*This Week With David Brinkley (MAM)- Bob Dole (DAA) loses his temper
-Irwin Mainway (DAA) & Super Fans discuss Michael Jordan's return
-The Late Late Show- calls & Tom Snyder's (DAA) rambling sideline host
-(host) talks with (LAK) while his "dog" (ADS) mingles with canines
-Rush Limbaugh (DAA) manages to steal Howard Stern's (MMK) act & entourage
-self-deluded losers (CSE) (DAS) (MOS) (host) can't identify rejection
-Unsolved Mysteries- trail of evidence fails to reveal origin of the universe
-coal miners (KEN) (host) (DAA) (MAM) tell anecdotes about cave-ins
-in new Denver Airport, (CSE) surveys interest in penis-measurement device
April 8, 1995-Damon Wayans
*Judge Ito (MAM) responds to Alfonse D'Amato's racial stereotype
-African-American kids at Camp Ujaama have very peculiar names
-Men On Film- Blaine Edwards (DAW) & Roger Ebert (CHF) review recent hits
-(KEN) & (MOS) get drenched by saliva of jazz trumpeter Stiles Monroe (DAW)
-homeless Anton Jackson (DAW) testifies at the O.J. Simpson trial
-Perspectives- the logistics of a black militant's (DAW) upcoming march
-Cirque du Soleil performers (MAM) (CSE) (MWB) do their bizarre acts
-Christopher Walken (JAM) endorses Skittles in a commercial
-Tony Bennett (JAM) offers Tom Jones' (ADS) used underwear for sale
April 15, 1995-Courteney Cox
*Matt Foley (CHF) offers bilingual motivation for Mexican kids (MWB) & (JAM)
-Good Morning Brooklyn- (host) & James Barone (JAM) deliver beating of the week
-Gapardy- Gap girls Kristy (DAS), Lucy (ADS) & Cindy (CHF) compete on a game show
-(CSE) takes advantage of teenage babysitter Melanie (MAM) in a car
-offhand remark leads to Charles Manson (ADS) being hired as an office manager
-(TIM) is defensive towards (KEN) by alternating the truth with "jokes"
-Replacement Baseball- a documentary of the standbys’ brief careers
-His Muse Friday- (host) & poetry editor (MMK) banter in film noir
-indifferent (DAS) becomes obnoxiously clingy after a night with (host)
May 6, 1995-Bob Saget
*Celtics fan Tony Vallencourt (ADS) shares his memories of Boston Garden
-coach of a high school track team (host) reminds his runners to go fast
-America's Funniest Hate Videos- accidental violence from militia & KKK
-fashion designer (CHF) flamboyantly tells people to leave his office
-Where In The World Is San Diego, California?- too-easy show ends early
-Boyz II Men (JAM) (host) (TIM) (ADS) do "I'll Make Love To You" video
-video store owner Karl (DAS) bothers host & other customers
-Daily Affirmation- bitter Stuart (Al Franken) berates public for not seeing his movie
-insufferable (DAS) unwisely distances those who could fix his odd pacemaker
May 13, 1995-David Duchovny
*within a conspiracy, host tries to find the Beastman of Studio 8H
-You Think You're Better Than Me?- defensive New Jersey people argue
-Zagat's- Hank Gelfand (ADS) is in agony when Beverly's (CHF) sister (host) shows up
-New England store owners turn violent when customers mock their folksy attitude
-Ricki Lake (JAM)- a hermaphrodite (ADS) & some celebrity impersonators
-the former lead singer of a rock band (JAM) is now a real estate agent
-JAM, TIM, ADS, CHF & NOM are eaten by a polar bear at the zoo
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