September 30, 1995-Mariel Hemingway
*O.J. Today- Johnnie Cochran (TIM) uses the race card in closing arguments
-Frank (WIF) dampens cookout by angrily shouting at kids to "get off the shed"
-Nightline- Bob Dole (NOM) is bitter about Colin Powell's (TIM) popularity
-Leg Up- Ann Miller (MOS), Debbie Reynolds (CHO) & Elizabeth Berkley (host) discuss dancing
-(WIF) has trouble coming up with ways to help his wife (host) end phone calls
-Biography- host tells how she almost didn't get her Central Park West role
-The Chicken Lady (MAM) Show- non-judgmental program features fetishists
October 7, 1995-Chevy Chase
*NFL on NBC- sideline reporter O.J. Simpson (TIM) hints that he's guilty
-energetic girl Althea (CHO) visits pilot (CHC) in the cockpit
-The Blame Game- black (TIM) & white (CHC) contestants provoke racial tensions
-at their prom, '70s teens (WIF) & (CHO) freak out over minor irritations
-The Mark Fuhrman Show- the cop (CHC) claims to like (TIM)'s anti-white rap
-O.J. Today- anchor Bill McDonald (WIF) & legal analysts do the final show
-Lampreys- a boy (CHO) doesn't want to part with his sucking creatures
October 21, 1995-David Schwimmer
*Darius Rucker (TIM) sings "Hold My Hand" variation at D.C. frat boy march
-Kids vs. Grownups- game show questions are biased toward the adults
-Rita Delvecchio (CHO) confiscates kids' items that land on her porch
-actions of fellow elevator passengers make (host) feel uncomfortable
-(DAH)'s friends discover his secrets while setting up his surprise party
-slim Shannon (NAW) is insensitively rude to plus size clothing customers
-Triumph Performers- they remain in showbiz despite severe disabilities
October 28, 1995-Gabriel Byrne
*political candidates take part in New Hampshire trick-or-treating
-Mary Katherine Gallagher (MOS) auditions for Catholic school talent show
-Cooking With Keith (host)- the Rolling Stone & two bimbos prepare a dish
-baby genetics allow doctor (host) to tell parents (NAW) & (MAM) about their unborn child
-romance novel author (host) discusses his affection towards older women
-Rikers Island guard (TIM) is fired for enjoying beatings & rape
November 11, 1995-Quentin Tarantino
*approval-seeking Bill Clinton (DAH) makes late-night calls & raids the fridge
-unofficial cheerleaders Craig (WIF) & Arianna (CHO) show their spirit
-Stan Hooper (NOM) exploits trusting Christians on a bible quiz show
-Directors on Directing- to host, the best part of the job is sex with actresses
-Leg Up- host tries to explain that he's not a choreographer
-white trash sit around a campfire & deal with an overabundance of fluids
-All Aboard!- old train worker (host) tells how he beats up "hobos"
November 18, 1995-Laura Leighton
*Bob Dole (NOM) & Newt Gingrich (DAH) complain about having to fly coach
-(NOM) dwells on otherwise-accurate fortune teller's (host) lone mistake
-Home For The Holidays- a Time-Life video collection of family fights
-What a Woman Wants- coeds (host) & Kitty McGinnis (MOS) take calls
-Cydney (host) films a perfume commercial with midgets
-socially-awkward Roberta's (CHO) boring anecdotes disrupt (host)'s party
-office worker Tommy (JMB) punishes himself for making mistakes
-(host) rejects (TIM)'s unsubtle attempts to try and "git with" her
December 2, 1995-Anthony Edwards
*Inside Politics- USA Bosnia policy prompts a conservative anti-war rally
-The Joe Pesci (JMB) Show- he abuses Sharon Stone (NAW) & other guests
-Nightline- Dr. Greene (host) & other doctors argue about health care
-Mary Katherine Gallagher (MOS) acts inappropriately at a wedding reception
-singer G-Dog's (TIM) stress causes him to rethink his raunchy hit
-Turning Point- (MAM) interviews a slightly loony Princess Di (host)
-The Hulk Hogan Talk Show!!!- wrestler's sub (WIF) attempts a serious show
December 9, 1995-David Alan Grier
*Nightline- Ted Koppel (DAH) covers Michael Jackson's (TIM) back injury
-The Rocky Roads (WIF) (host) (TIM) & (NAW) educate a school assembly
-Today- Bryant Gumbel's (host) off-air persona is much more urban
-one of the Three Wise Men (host) gives baby Jesus some last-minute gifts
-Wake Up & Smile- TV anchors (WIF) & (NAW) riot when the teleprompter breaks
-Black People- a look at Stepin Fetchit Honeydew Wilkins' (host) career
-Perspectives- Dr. Emery Coleman's (host) show fills a similar niche
December 16, 1995-Madeline Kahn
*Jay Leno (DAH) & other celebrities perform for USA's Bosnian troops
-at a basketball game, Craig (WIF) & Arianna (CHO) do some unwanted cheering
-while in a giant bird's claws, (DAK) & (host) argue about their predicament
-Leg Up- Russian ballerina's (host) culture gap is eventually bridged
-Lucien (MAM) & Fagin (DAK) are bound by their antique shop's 90-day return policy
-(WIF) & (host) express their love with clumsy, self-written wedding vows
January 13, 1996-Christopher Walken
*Rudy Giuliani & George Pataki [real] make apologies for tonight's SNL due to blizzard
-Rita Delvecchio (CHO) tries to get neighbor (host) to clear her walk
-The Continental (host) once again tries to charm a female visitor
-Connie Stinson Talks- (host) puts words into guests' mouths to provoke tension
-Mary Katherine Gallagher (MOS) dreams of dancing with guidance counselor (host)
-executioner Gerald Tibbins (DAK) jokes around with convicted man (host)
January 20, 1996-Alec Baldwin
*Nightline- everyone is shocked by Michael Jackson's (TIM) divorce
-Craig (WIF) & Arianna (CHO) cheer excessively at a chess tournament
-The Joe Pesci (JMB) Show- Robert DeNiro (host) watches abuse take place
-Literary Theatre- dimwitted (MOS) & (NAW) display Dense & Densibility
-governor candidate (host) has a downward spiral after accidentally shooting Lassie
-Accidentally Shot By Hunters- guests alkl about run-ins with sportsmen
-seamen (MAM) & (host) use feminine pronouns, except when appropriate
-drunk businessmen (DAK) (WIF) (host) (MAM) mythologize big Bill Brasky
February 10, 1996-Danny Aiello
*Inside Politics- Steve Forbes (MAM) & Bob Dole (NOM) respond to questions
-mobster (host) gets abused by mom (CHO) after badmouthing her spaghetti sauce
-The Kevin Franklin Show- (TIM) admits when he's wrong, which is always
-Time-Life presents a video collection of Valentine's Day arguments
-Althea (CHO) bothers a Greyhound Bus driver (host) during a trip to Orlando
-weird insurance salesman (host) demands receiving Hi-C & turkey
-Martha Stewart Living- (NAW) tries to deny her New Jersey background
February 17, 1996-Tom Arnold
*debating GOP candidates trick themselves into endorsing Bill Clinton
-The Life We Lead- news stories are presented in the style of a soap opera
-Gail Lafferty (NAW) threatens ass kickings for apparent offenses
-Miracles of Science- Brainiac’s (host) cranium size misleads his intelligence
-naive (JMB) thinks her criminal son (COQ) is involved in harmless pursuits
-hospital orderly Gerald Tibbins (DAK) prepares (host) for an appendectomy
-a tree slice both explains & represents outlaw park ranger's (host) crusade
February 24, 1996-Elle MacPherson
*Pat Buchanan (DAK) manhandles Steve Forbes (MAM) into giving him money
-enthusiastic Craig (WIF) & Arianna (CHO) try to bring spirit to a swim meet
-jazz pianist (TIM) uses inappropriate catchphrases during a recording session
-Mary Katherine Gallagher (MOS) & (host) compete in a teen modelling contest
-holiday special tells the story of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
-Stan Hooper (NOM) wakes from coma & insists his wife (CHO) & sister (host) must be reversed
-callers can't comprehend Australian phone sex operators' dirty talk
-on a first date, (JMB) tries to ignore gorgeous (host) table manners
March 16, 1996-John Goodman
*20/20- Christopher Darden (TIM) discusses his affair with Marcia Clark (NAW)
-The Joe Pesci (JMB) Show- Marisa Tomei (CHO) & Richard Dreyfus (DAH) suffer beatings
-substitute teacher Suel Forrester's (CHK) poor pronunciation confuses class
-Fecal Matters- John Fecal (MAM) is obsessed with discussing anal waste
-Gary MacDonald (DAK) does free association humor as co-workers are laid off
-Steve Forbes (MAM) announces that he's creator & president of new America
-drunk businessmen (DAK) (WIF) (host) (MAM) tell tales of abusive-but-swell Bill Brasky
March 23, 1996-Phil Hartman
*Bob Dole (NOM) gets advice on his image from Charlton Heston (PHH)
-Leg Up- Frank Sinatra (PHH) talks about romances of a bygone era
-eager acting students follow Bobby Coultsman's (PHH) oddball instructions
-Roxbury Guys Steve (WIF) & Doug (CHK) Butabi seek dance partners at the club
-slow-to-react gunman (CHK) is assured that he's in control by cop (PHH)
-Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer- Cirroc (PHH) defends a tobacco company executive
-Taddli (MAM)- pot-smoking talk show panel receives simpleminded lecture
April 13, 1996-Steve Forbes
*Unabomber Ted Kaczynski (WIF) attends his Harvard class reunion
-soldiers can't follow drill sergeant Suel Forrester's (CHK) roll call orders
-Nightline- it's obvious that host authored a tell-all book about GOP race
-during a visit from (host), Rita Delvecchio (CHO) guards her screen door
-MAM as Steve Forbes calls out host for ending his presidential campaign
-while on the job, roofers (COQ) (DAK) (host) dream about the good life
-Seattle Today- Unabomber sketch artist Stan Hooper (NOM) isn't very skilled
-host gets a free haircut from barber school student Gerald Tibbins (DAK)
-during WWII, Johnny Jones (CHK) catches up with waitress Dottie (MOS)
-(host) is lectured by a large & irritated bug (JMB) that he hit while driving
April 20, 1996-Teri Hatcher
*Johnnie Cochran (TIM) & other lawyers form Unabomber (WIF) defense plan
-prop girl Mary Katherine Gallagher (MOS) wants Maria role in West Side Story
-inept romantic (CHK) seeks mood music & dance steps to use on date (host)
-Arianna (CHO) is left behind when Craig (WIF) has an opportunity to be a real Spartan
-The Local News- (host) & NOM are guests on Joe Blow's (COQ) basement talk show
-a rumble takes place when (host) stands up to Gail Lafferty's (NAW) bullying ways
May 11, 1996-Christine Baranski
*Bob Dole (NOM) declares Dennis Rodman [real] as his running mate
-The Courtney Love Show- (MOS) makes out with Marge Schott (DAH) & Julie Andrews (host)
-Frank (WIF) & his wife (host) angrily tell children to "get off the shed"
-a nightclub audience reacts to a terminally-ill amateur singer (host)
-Rolf (COQ) & fellow death row inmates gossip about their executed comrades
-freak-of-nature Goat Boy's (JMB) album features popular songs of the '80s
-(JMB) is forced to alter his personality to please corporate employers (WIF) & (host)
-Lansing-area residents can receive phone sex from Michigan operators
May 18, 1996-Jim Carrey
*Nightline- Bob Dole (NOM) is willing to change to beat Bill Clinton
-Craig (WIF) & Arianna (CHO) welcome an exchange student (host) to their squad
-Roxbury Guys (WIF) (CHK) (host) work their moves in non-traditional places
-jacuzzi lifeguard (host) annoys a man (WIF) trying to relax in the hot tub
-(host) says "I'll see you in Hell" so much, the phrase loses its impact
-The Joe Pesci (JMB) Show- Jimmy Stewart (host) whacks Jim Carrey (MAM)
-Jimmy Tango's (host) Fat Busters- heat beads & crystal meth remove pounds
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