September 28, 1996-Tom Hanks
*with no votes cast, ABC News declares Bill Clinton's (DAH) re-election
-the antics of Roxbury Guys (WIF) (CHK) (host) lead to them being arrested
-Hey, Remember The 80's- Goat Boy's (JMB) brays disrupt his nostalgia show
-Craig (WIF) & Arianna (CHO) are motivated by a visit from the Spartan Spirit (host)
-The Tonight Show- missing link Mr. Peepers (CHK) goes wild during interview
-creativity test giver (TIM) tries to pull an original idea out of (host)
-Classic Sing-along with the Drunken Asses- album has tunes for happy hour
October 5, 1996-Lisa Kudrow
*Bob Dole (NOM) prepares to debate Bill Clinton
-Singled Out- Mary Katherine Gallagher (MOS) looks for love on MTV game show
-air traffic controller Suel Forrester (CHK) "helps" stewardess (host) land
-Single & Loving It- joyologist Helen (MOS) claims to enjoy singlehood
-five-star hotel bellmen (JMB), (CHK) & (WIF) destroy guests' luggage
-Mickey The Dyke (CHO) emcees Wymins Poetry Night at a lesbian bar
-ex-con waiter Gene (COQ) harasses a dining couple (host) & (MAM)
October 19, 1996-Bill Pullman
*Bob Dole (NOM) dreams of debating Independence Day president (host)
-AT&T operators Janice (WIF) & Kelly (CHK) chat & complain between calls
-Tic Tac Toe- obvious strategy & inconvenient game board make for dull show
-The Rules Show- (ANG) & (MOS) lay down guidelines for wannabe brides
-Hollywood Party- host meets gossipy Beatrice (MOS) & Sebastian (CHK)
-soul deejay Chris Garnett (TIM) remains mellow on-air despite calamities
-rich (host)'s literal "camel through needle's eye" reading inspires research
-women's kick boxing is an opportunity to see females hit each other hard
October 26, 1996-Dana Carvey
*Larry King (WIF) Live- Ross Perot (DAC) & other third-party candidates contribute
-Hey, Remember The 80's- George Michael (DAC) & Joseph Hazelwood (MAM) reflect
-The Barbara Walters (CHO) Special- Elizabeth Dole (ANG) praises her husband
-Tom Brokaw (DAC) pre-tapes news to cover Gerald Ford death possibilities
-Church Chat- Church Lady (DAC) judges O.J. Simpson (TIM) & Madonna (MOS)
-Bob Dole's (NOM) Time Tunnel pays a visit to young Bill Clinton (DAC)
-Rita Delvecchio (CHO) receives trick-or-treaters & battles Halloween pranksters
-retired Phil Donahue (DAH) & Johnny Carson (DAC) look for their keys
-attorneys Russell (TIM) & Tate (TRM) have ways to get you your money
November 2, 1996-Chris Rock
*George Bush (DAC) prepares Bob Dole (NOM) to lose the election
-I'm Chillin'- Onski (CSR) plugs I Ain't Tryin' To Hear That home pregnancy test
-in Dole ad, woman (MOS), black guy (TIM) & gay man (MAM) say "don't vote"
-The Dark Side- Jesse Jackson (DAH), Tori Spelling (CHO) & Mike Tyson (TRM) rile Nat X (CSR)
-celebrity guests on Charles Grodin’s (DAC) show rant about issues
-Bob Dole (NOM) rehearses his mean-spirited victory & concession speeches
-to his dad (CSR), college-educated (TIM)'s simple acts are offenses
-music teacher couple Marty (WIF) & Bobbi (ANG) sing a soul medley at a gathering
-Perspectives- Lionel Osbourne (TIM) talks with Million Man Marcher (CSR)
November 16, 1996-Robert Downey Jr.
*Bob & Elizabeth Dole [real] convince NOM it's time to stop his impression
-Craig (WIF) prevents Arianna (CHO) from stuffing her bra to just to attract (RDJ)
-Bill Clinton (DAH) thanks the very few Americans who truly supported him
-Don King (TIM) badmouths heavy-weight champions at a press conference
-deejay Mr. Music (RDJ) plays inappropriate songs at a wedding reception
-(NOM) is baffled by his fellow gang members' West Side Story-like antics
-Margaret Jo (ANG) & Terry (MOS) are as bland as recipes on their NPR show
-at a makeout party, Mary Katherine Gallagher (MOS) gets her first kiss with (RDJ)
-The Streets of L.A.- (RDJ)'s anti-drug rant seems directed at someone
-Don West (WIF) & Eddy Lewis (CHK) sell Shaq Plaque to home shoppers
November 23, 1996-Phil Hartman
*TV re-enactment shows O.J. Simpson (TIM) complicating justice on the stand
-House of Congress- Kincaid (ANG) welcomes Jesse Helms (DAH) & Ted Kennedy (PHH)
-Uncle Tom Texaco employee (TIM) doesn't mind being mistreated at work
-(PHH) judges musical acts seeking NEA funding for Thanksgiving songs
-The Joe Pesci (JMB) Show- Frank Sinatra (PHH) & Michael Jackson (TIM) bring tension
-The Gossip Show- Julie Brown (CHO) dishes & compromises national security
-Bobby Coultsman (PHH) manipulates rising actors attending his workshop
-WWII commander (PHH) tells his men they're "not coming back" from mission
December 7, 1996-Martin Short
*at child custody hearing, O.J. Simpson (TIM) admits murder guilt
-Celebrity Jeopardy!- Sean Connery (DAH), Burt Reynolds (NOM), Jerry Lewis (MAS) are inept
-Ed Grimley (MAS) is sent back from Heaven's gate by (CHC) to live a little
-Roxbury Guys (WIF) & (CHK) welcome foreigner Jaleel (MAS) to NYC nightclub life
-The Barbara Walters (CHO) Special- Jackie Rogers Jr. (MAS) relives past pain
-Larry Azaria's (MAM) Mostly Used Mattresses contain no live bacteria
-The Terry Gantner Family Workout- chop breaks (WIF)’s hand instead of board
-The Tinseltown Tattler- absentminded star adviser (MAS) questions actress (MOS)
-Happy Holiday Tales- Mickey The Dyke (CHO) decides to come out to her family
December 14, 1996-Rosie O’Donnell
*Bill Clinton (DAH) offers multiple cabinet positions to Bob Dole (NOM)
-too-heavy Spartan (host) joins Hickory Farms temps Craig (WIF) & Arianna (CHO)
-Mary Katherine Gallagher (MOS) steals choir soloist's (Whitney Houston) spotlight
-Margaret Jo (ANG) & Terry (MOS) discuss gingerbread & talk about citrus with (host)
-Rita Delvecchio (CHO) faces off against Nativity scene rival (Penny Marshall)
-attorneys Russell (TIM) & Tate (TRM) kick butt for you with no money down
-The Local News- Joe Blow (COQ) welcomes recent widow (host) to his basement
January 11, 1997-Kevin Spacey
*John Cleese & Michael Palin [real] explain SNL's sketch ratings system
-Late Show with David Letterman (NOM)- repetition dominates the program
-California doctor (host) prescribes medical-marijuana to his patients
-Janet Reno's (WIF) Dance Party- she insists on bopping to "My Sharona"
-Mr. Peepers (CHK) refuses to behave for laboratory assistant (WIF)
-The Joe Pesci (JMB) Show- Al Pacino (host) & Rodney Dangerfield (DAH) agitate
-the “Dead Parrot” sketch from Monty Python starring John Cleese & Michael Palin [real]
-home security technician (host) grows bored of Mrs. Attebury's (ANG) stories
January 18, 1997-David Alan Grier
*Paula Jones (CHO) looks for Bill Clinton's (DAH) penis in line-up
-20/20- Barbara Walters (CHO) interviews Snoop Doggy Dogg [real] with his entourage
-(host), (TIM) & (TRM) get emotional while watching Waiting To Exhale
-Both Sides with Jesse Jackson (DAH)- Kincaid (ANG) & others discuss Ebonics
-The Rocky Roads (WIF) (host) (TIM) (ANG) & (MOS) say no to sexual harassment & shoplifting
-ex-porn stars Don Wong (JMB) & Reggie Owens (TRM) try a fast-food career
-mispriced Scottie Pippen bust may ruin Don West (WIF) & Eddy Lewis (CHK)
-Bill Gates (MAM) introduces Microsoft products that will change the world
February 8, 1997-Neve Campbell
*O.J. Simpson (TIM) lies about money available for civil suit judgement
-Jackpot- contestants can't understand game show emcee Suel Forrester (CHK)
-essay contest winner (host) joins Margaret Jo (ANG) & Terry (MOS) during pledge drive
-Sidney Prescott (host) is embarrassed by her cousin Arianna (CHO) & Craig (WIF)
-Janet Reno's (WIF) Dance Party- attending teens receive some tough talk
-20/20- a Mia Farrow (ANG) interview turns into a Woody Allen (DAS) movie
-urban teens (CHO) & (host) hit on some guys at the basketball courts
-during Hitler speech, Rolf (COQ) & fellow Gestapo members (JMB) (MAM) gossip about Fuhrer
-Adventures of the White Trash Disaster Trailer presents incest among high winds
February 15, 1997-Chevy Chase
*Nightline- Madonna (ANG), Debbie Reynolds (CHO) & Courtney Love (MOS) on unsuccessful Oscar bids
-petty money-making schemes dominate Bill Clinton's (DAH) schedule
-O.J. Simpson (TIM) emcees telethon to raise money for civil suit damages
-Marty (WIF) & Bobbi (ANG) sing a coming-of-age medley at niece's 16th birthday party
-Charlie Rose (MAM)- Goat Boy (JMB), Cow Man (CHC) & others discuss legal system
-news anchor (CHC) returns to the desk following a credibility breakdown
-Zimmermans (CHK) & (CHO) spice up their marriage by playing "first date"
-department store employees (WIF) & (CHC) peep at (MOS) in dressing room
-newsstand owner Andrew (MAM) is obsessed with fog-penetrating Chopper 4
February 22, 1997-Alec Baldwin
*Late Show with David Letterman (NOM)- Robert DeNiro (host) isn't amused
-(host) is more successful with women than his fellow Roxbury Guys (WIF) & (CHK)
-Tina Turner's [real] advice brings Mary Katherine Gallagher (MOS) out of her shell
-while on-air, Chris Garnett (TIM) shares studio with station newscaster (host)
-The Gossip Show- Julie Brown (CHO) publicizes co-workers' dirty secrets
-Long Island phone sex operators are aroused by callers but not vice versa
-at yard sale, couple (host) & (MOS) unloads sentimental items for pennies
-Don (JMB) & Reggie (TRM) discover that their new boss (host) was also a porn star
-drunk businessmen (WIF) (host) (MAM) eulogize Bill Brasky at his funeral
March 15, 1997-Sting
*injured Bill Clinton (DAH) points out the undesirable order of succession
-Juan Peron (NOM) can't fathom why Evita (ANG) breaks into song
-Middle Agers (WIF), (ANG) & (CHK) try to sell Pope (MAM) on a nude Crusade
-The Laid Back Neutral MC's (TRM) & (TIM) fear gangsta rap violence
-Don West (WIF) & Eddy Lewis (CHK) put Mark Hamill [real] up for sale
-(JMB) dislikes white power gossip of fellow Klan members Rolf (COQ) & (host)
-The Brendan Boyle (COQ) Show- leprechaun (host) protests limerick critics
-Mrs. Attebury's (ANG) daughter's (MOS) 37 year-old boyfriend (host) gets dirty
-host's wife Trudie Styler [real] enjoys song interpreter Kyle DeMarco (CHK)
-Race & Racism- (TIM) asks separation activist (host) about Ghostbusters
March 22, 1997-Mike Myers
*Barbara Walters (CHO) prefers to interview in-character Oscar nominees
-Mary Katherine Gallagher (MOS) auditions for a part in Aerosmith's [real] video
-Coffee Talk- Linda (MIM) & her cousin (ANG) sing their Oscar predictions
-John Major (MIM) gives insulting responses to British MPs' questions
-Sprockets- Dieter (MIM) & lover Helmut (WIF) present The Insane Academy Awards
-Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly- Andy (MIM) & Ian (MAM) recall vomiting outbreaks
-Prematurely Gray- young silverhairs discuss the impact of colorless locks
-Tito Jackson's (TRM) album & video are meant to put food on his table
April 12, 1997-Rob Lowe
*Nightline- vindicated Heaven's Gaters party aboard the comet-trailing UFO
-The Joe Pesci (JMB) Show- Robert DeNiro (COQ) helps beat up celebrities
until Joe Pesci & Robert DeNiro [real] arrive
-Food, Sex, or Cars?!- game show contestants choose from desired options
-Goth Talk- teens Circe (MOS) & Azrael (CHK) lament their antiquated lot
-Perspectives- black major leaguer (TRM) explains Jackie Robinson's legacy
-La Politica Non Correcto- Hispanic panelists discuss issues irreverently
-waitress Janet Blaum's (ANG) weak insults diminish her labor uprising
April 19, 1997-Pamela Anderson
*Janet Reno (WIF) defends herself at Bill Clinton's (DAH) press conference
-at a beach volleyball match, Craig (WIF) & Arianna (CHO) cheer & rescue C.J. (host)
-Biography- Tiger Woods (TIM) & controlling father Earl (TRM) are profiled
-Roxbury Guys (WIF) & (CHK) pursue (host) from the dance club to the health club
-on host's movie set, jealous partner Tommy Lee (NOM) can't fathom make-believe
-Hey, Remember the 80's- Jenny McCarthy (host) & David Lee Roth (CHK) are wild
-Oprah's (TIM) Book Club- agreeable guests say what she wants to hear
-host's cleavage causes accidents at her Invitational NASCAR Rally
-The Twilight Zone- in the eyes of her pig-faced surgeons, (host) is hot
-on a first date, (CHK) pretends to like attractive (host)'s sense of humor
May 10, 1997-John Goodman
*Oprah (TIM)- Anne Heche (CHK) loves attention, not Ellen DeGeneres (MAM)
-Celebrity Jeopardy!- Marlon Brando (host), Phil Donahue (DAH), Burt Reynolds (NOM) are inept
-Talkin' with Suel (CHK)- Ron Wood (MIM) & Bjork (MOS) probably babble about drugs
-Margaret Jo (ANG) & Terry (MOS) discuss summer cookouts with chili expert (host)
-last-minute replacements Marty (WIF) & Bobbi (ANG) do medley at a high school prom
-druggist (host) fills overmedicated Colette Reardon's (CHO) prescription
-at a little league game, drunk businessmen (WIF) (host) (MAM) honor Bill Brasky
May 17, 1997-Jeff Goldblum
*Nightline- Deep Blue's chess win has made Ted Koppel (DAH) technophobic
-Mary Katherine Gallagher (MOS) finds a soulmate in teacher (host)
-Space, The Infinite Frontier- Harry Caray (WIF) throws non-sequiturs at astrophysicist (host)
-Goth Talk- Circe (MOS) & Azrael (CHK) welcome dark musician Count Feedback (host)
-Kennedy Kapers- Teddy (WIF) & relatives disgrace family name on game show
-Janet Blaum's (ANG) ineffective rants doom her attempt at unionization
-Rock & Roll Fantasy Camp of Ric Ocasek's cousin Vic (host) welcomes has-beens
-(host) interviews overly-confident job applicant Jerry Steve Dave (TIM)
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