September 29, 2001-Reese Witherspoon
*in the wake of terrorism, Rudy Giuliani [real] encourages perseverance &
Paul Simon [real] performs "The Boxer" among NYC police & firemen
-Wake Up Wakefield!- Randy Goldman's (JIF) girlfriend (host) is a guest
-The Little Mermaid- (WIF) is put off by Ariel's (host) fish genitalia
-Marty (WIF) & Bobbi (ANG) perform a medley at a lesbian commitment ceremony
-Celebrity Jeopardy!- Chris Tucker (DEE), Anne Heche (host), Sean Connery (DAH) are inept
-newborn baby's nonstop farts & burps distress parents (WIF) & (host)
-Donatella Versace (MAR) & fashionistas sing kids songs For The Children
October 6, 2001-Seann William Scott
*George W. Bush (WIF) warns Osama bin Laden of payback to come
-at Jeffrey's, customers are insulted by more-stylish attitude of (JIF) & (host)
-Joan Rivers (ANG) hijacks Emmy Awards Pre-Show to roast dressed-down celebrities
-Jarret's (JIF) Room- winners of the Freshman Facebook Awards are announced
-(WIF) shows his patriotism by wearing flag-themed short shorts at a meeting
-The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show- Paula Zahn (AMP) resists Antonio Banderas' (CHK) sexiness
-The Approval Center- losers testify to the ambiguous joy of being approved
-on a dinner date, (AMP) reveals her porn actress career to (host)
October 13, 2001-Drew Barrymore
*from Afghanistan, army-of-one Dick Cheney (DAH) explains how he'll win the war
-Crossing Over- cold readings of John Edward (WIF) have low success rate
-in hotel hot tub, Roger (WIF) & Virginia (RAD) invite Dave (JIF) to be (host)'s lover
-DVD of Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory has outtakes & cast commentary
-First Liberty Savings Bank- (WIF) announces a currency liquidation sale
-Action Talk Show- Klaus VonBraunMan (CHK) welcomes action actress (host)
-while airing King Kong, TV station replaces its World Trade Center finale
-(WIF) heckles ex-girlfriend (host) & her new lover (MAR) at a coffeehouse
November 3, 2001-John Goodman
*John Ashcroft (DAH) alarms the press with vague warnings about terrorism
-(DAA) interviews unfortunately-named victims of September 11th backlash
-Liberty Medical spokesman Wilford Brimley (host) neglects his own health
-Nicole, The Girl With No Gaydar (RAD) is oblivious to sexual orientation
-CBS Evening Anthrax Update- Dan Rather (DAH) estimates journalists' health
-America Undercover- trashy white couple (CHK) & (AMP) in domestic dispute
-Bad Conceptual Theater- Leonard Pinth-Garnell (DAA) presents monkey-written play
-Little Sleuths (SEM) & (AMP) help detective (host) solve a gruesome case
November 10, 2001-Gwyneth Paltrow
*George W. Bush (WIF) reduces Muslim objections by spreading some myths
-at the fall formal, Sully (JIF) scoffs at Denise's (RAD) friend's (host) troubles
-Gemini's Twin (ANG) & (MAR) & newest member (host) ride the wave of USA patriotism
-Mrs. Attebury (ANG) is insensitive toward man of Middle Eastern heritage (CHK)
-at dinnertime, dysfunctional family (WIF) (ANG) (AMP) (host) have tense arguments
-Mango (CHK) & high school sweetheart host reunite and recall their "Summer Nights"
-Fiesta Politica- Donald Rumsfeld (DAH) is out of place on a Telemundo show
November 17, 2001-Billy Bob Thornton
*defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld (DAH) pesters reporters during a press briefing
-at the first Thanksgiving, gay (host)'s flamboyance embarrasses Pilgrims
-Nick Burns (JIF) & his dad (host) humiliate users while fixing computers
-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- a goat & a miniature horse cause confusion
-Inside The Actors Studio- host is motivated to hunt James Lipton (WIF)
-Martha Stewart (ANG) offers tips to put a patriotic spin on Thanksgiving
-at a party, the fall of Kandahar leads to a spontaneous jazzy dance number
-redneck (host) contemplates the fate of the fenced-in area located in his yard
December 1, 2001-Derek Jeter
*John Ashcroft (DAH) & George W. Bush (WIF) declare You Might Be A Terrorist If..
-Muchas Iglesias- Julio (host) & his brothers Enrique (JIF) & Julio, Jr. (CHK) sing
-(host) & other Yankee wives gossip in the stands and complain about sluts
-music captivates inept romantic (CHK) in daydream about giving host a massage
-Derek Jeter's Taco Hole- host promotes his Mexican restaurant
-Dealing With Mom & Dad- host helps youngster (CHK) with his bat technique
-in a cave hideout, Osama bin Laden (WIF) tries to boost his men's morale
-(host)'s friends are concerned that he's too happy about his perm
December 8, 2001-Hugh Jackman
*Al Gore's (DAH) phone call interrupts George W. Bush's (WIF) meeting
-Jarret's (JIF) Room- spy camera footage reveals (JER)'s embarrassing behavior
-Robert Goulet's (WIF) All-Holiday Special embraces all seasonal aspects
-artsy photographers (host) & (SEM) take family pictures at Sears portrait studio
-Hello Dolly- doll designer (host) thinks he should be getting more action
-from his Fortress of Solitude, Superman (host) phones home to Krypton
-male model (host) pays a visit to Donatella Versace's (MAR) bathroom
-host remembers his father's (WIF) traditional Christmas kangaroo fights
December 15, 2001-Ellen DeGeneres
*Osama bin Laden (WIF) tape reveals that terrorists were reluctant sacrifices
-Marty (WIF) & Bobbi (ANG) perform a medley at a shopping mall Nativity scene
-federal agent Kitty Singleton (host) is terrible at hand-to-hand combat
-host's Mango (CHK) obsession creates backlash among lesbian media moguls
-panic over forgotten household chores causes family to cut its trip short
-(WIF)'s kids (SEM) & (AMP) disapprove of his new girlfriend (host)
January 12, 2002-Josh Hartnett
*Bill Clinton (DAH) scores political points at Buddy's memorial service
-Wake Up Wakefield!- guest who hit a growth spurt (host) excites Megan (MAR)
-actress (ANG) overacts in melodramatic Lifetime Original Movie
-Shout Out Show!!- Grandmaster Freddy (TRM) gives props to everything
-HBO First Look- George Lucas (DAH) defends his Attack Of The Clones casting
-flight crew (SEM) & (AMP) offer lame entertainment to passengers stuck on runway
-to promote multicultural awareness, the Playboy Channel screens Arab porn
January 19, 2002-Jack Black
*a pretzel was blamed for Dick Cheney's (DAH) abuse of George W. Bush (WIF)
-stoner journalist (host) hazily investigates federal marijuana conspiracy
-Tales Of Valour- monster (host) would prefer a slut to virgin (AMP)
-at (host)'s ski lodge, Roger (WIF) & Virginia (RAD) unsettle (CHK) & (AMP)
-Now That's What Actors Call Singing- album features stars' vanity bands
-hype occurs when (WIF) challenges electric bass master (host) to a duel
-America Undercover- gruff (host) & trashy white couple (CHK) & (AMP) in love triangle
-(host)'s gothic rock opera serves as a Happy Birthday Song alternative
February 2, 2002-Britney Spears
*Mormons (DAA) & (WIF) preach during Olympic skier's (AMP) downhill run
-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- a rabbit & donkey don't cut their own hair
-Skipper (host) learns that she's Barbie's (AMP) daughter, not her sister
-Jarret's (JIF) Room- stoners Gobi (HOS) & Summer (host) make a perfect couple
-Astronaut Jones (TRM) sci-fi adventure is a vanity project for its star
-Gemini's Twin (ANG) & (MAR) & latest member (host) in epic hip-hop film is documented
-technical problems plague anchors (WIF) & (ANG) during morning news program
-The Leather Man (JIF) sells squeaky animal-skin attire to (host)
March 2, 2002-Jonny Mosely
*anything that bothers George W. Bush (WIF) earns membership in the Axis Of Evil
-Sully (JIF) & Denise (RAD) reconcile while riding a ski lift to the top of a mountain
-The O'Reilly (JER) Factor- guests' facts are judged as matters of opinion
-DisMissed- (host) chooses chick (MAR) over one-legged Amber (AMP)
-orbiting host solves problems while performing his signature Dinner Roll move
-Super Buzzers- 1970s game show consists of panel intros for celebrities
-old school Broadway legend (ANG) pushes for minimal choreography
-groom (host) & bride (AMP) have pre-ceremony doubts about extreme wedding
March 9, 2002-Jon Stewart
*Dick Cheney (DAH) is concerned about the networks battle for David Letterman
-Total Request Live- (host)'s genetically-engineered boy band makes its debut
-Bloater brothers' (JIF) & (CHP) dad (host) comes to rescue them from airport security
-Talkin' To The Stars- good girl RAD & bad boy TRM interview host
-David Letterman (JER) & Ted Koppel (DAH) attend a party of telejournalists
-Jazz Visions- spoons player (host) performs tracks from his erotic album
-We Were Soldiers That Knew What Women Want is an odd Mel Gibson (host) film
March 16, 2002-Ian McKellen
*colors of Tom Ridge's (DAH) terrorism alert scale are confusingly neutral
-Versace (MAR) Oscar Party has Bono (CHK) & Yves St. Laurent (host) drop in
-Lynn (RAD) & Margaret Jo (ANG) learn about (host)'s Irish dishes' tied to dead relatives
-Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater- (host) solves a murder in a cramped basket
-The Ferey Muhtar (HOS) Talk Show- club owner (host) on Turkish programs
-(host) makes many quick changes during his one-man show about Charles Dickens
-Kevin & Richie's Comic Book Zone- Dr. Who impersonator (host) excites (SEM) & (HOS)
April 6, 2002-Cameron Diaz
*in Lamaze class, Marty (WIF) & pregnant Bobbi (ANG) perform a gestation medley
-17th Annual Auto Show Spokeswoman Awards- emotional (CHP) delights in historic win
-MTV Spring Break- (host) & (MAR) dance wildly to get on camera
-Astronaut Jones' (TRM) voyage to Jupiter involves space babes (host) (MAR) (AMP)
-after a brief retirement, Celine Dion (ANG) sings & talks about motherhood
-Gorgeous Living With Prunella Watson- sloppiness equals style for (AMP)
-(WIF) studies gender differences between Mr. Peepers (CHK) & Miss Peeps (host)
-shy Japanese girl group Crash Papaya performs energetically on MTV4
April 13, 2002-Dwayne Johnson
*George W. Bush (WIF) tries to outdo suicide bombers' torture rewards
-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- parrot sparks fears of identity theft
-Scorpion King (host) doesn't want to take his whiny son (SEM) into battle
-Arthur Andersen now offers shady accounting to individual taxpayers
-Hardball- Dick Armey (WIF), Pat Caddell (JIF) & Paul Begala (CHK) speculate
-on the subway, (MAR) musically disses loudmouth know-it-all Fred (TRM)
-Nicole, The Girl With No Gaydar (RAD) misreads patrons at a gay piano bar
-duet album by Bigfoot (host) & stoned Neil Diamond (WIF) may not be real
-America Undercover- trashy white couple (CHK) & (AMP) wreak havoc in an emergency room
April 20, 2002-Alec Baldwin
*Fox News Channel anchors are thrilled at the prospect of a Robert Blake trial
-(host) is shocked that he sounds gay on his voice mail greeting
-successful white men are dumping their wives for elderly black women
-domesticated Ozzy Osbourne (HOS) is only comprehensible while singing
-Roger's (WIF) college roommate (host) attends surprise party thrown by Virginia (RAD)
-The Tony Bennett (host) Show- Liza Minnelli (MAR) & David Gest (CHK) banter
May 11, 2002-Kirsten Dunst
*George W. Bush (WIF) misidentifies Middle Eastern leaders' names in briefing
-Last Call With Carson Daly (JIF)- imitative (host) sings & plays piano
-Demilon keeps senior citizens controllable by counteracting memory drugs
-extras' (WIF) (AMP) (host) antics steal attention from a serious scene
-Jarret's (JIF) Room- (host) & (AMP) are the stars of a copycat webcam show
-trial of Anna Kournikova (host) vs. Penthouse is presented in a Laugh-In style
-Wake Up Wakefield!- Megan (MAR) & Sheldon (RAD) are at (host)'s slumber party
-Kyle (CHK) & Sean (CHP) DeMarco & cousin (host) audition to tour with Eminem [real]
May 18, 2002-Winnona Ryder
*Fidel Castro (WIF) recaps embarrassments of Jimmy Carter's (DAH) tenure
-Celebrity Jeopardy!- Dave Matthews (JIF) & Bjork (host) antics wrap up with Alex Trebek [real]
-bride's (host) two dads (WIF) & (CHP) sing at her wedding reception
-bear researcher (WIF) is betrayed by (host) in a plot to kill his wife (ANG)
-one-legged Amber (AMP) & other contestants compete to be a Playboy centerfold
-in hotel hot tub, Roger (WIF) & Virginia (RAD) re-encounter Dave (JIF) & win over (host)
-while out with host & Moby [real], Mango (CHK) is arrested for shoplifting
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