October 5, 2002-Matt Damon
*Dick Cheney (DAH) rides on a missile flying toward Baghdad
-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- a porcupine & pot-bellied pig cause anxiety
-Sully (JIF) fares as Denise (RAD) misses her chance to meet Bruce Springsteen at concert
-Hannibal Lecter (host) Goes To Michigan State in pre-prequel movie
-Dr. Matt Damon (CHP) complains to similarly named host about being overshadowed
-Versace (MAR) Pockets is the extravagant way to enjoy a microwaveable meal
-(host)'s government-funded sex robot project has come to nothing
-Dr. Phil McGraw (JER) offers wacky advice to guests on his show
October 12, 2002-Sarah Michelle Gellar
*George W. Bush (CHP) notifies Saddam Hussein of impending regime change
-Be-Safe Gang's (FRA), (AMP) & (host) supposed street smarts are bad advice
-music captivates inept romantic (CHK) as he fantasizes about being a dentist
-Saddam Hussein (DAH) pushes for survival by sacrificing his look-alikes
-Making The Video- gritty Christina Aguilera (host) likes getting "Dirrty"
-(host) watches Arli$$ to avoid laughter-induced loss of bladder control
-(MAR)'s dedication to offering herself to her man (TRM) attracts him
-sleazy Merv The Perv (CHP) weakens the goal of sexual harassment seminar
October 19, 2002-John McCain
*on election day, Iraqi TV covers Saddam Hussein's (HOS) overwhelming victory
-Hardball- John Ashcroft (host) & Harry Belafonte (TRM) say crazy things
-feminist Lifetime Original Movie exaggerates invasion of personal space between (host) & (AMP)
-Wake Up Wakefield!- visual arts teacher (host) is a former hippie
-Meet The Press- host repeatedly denies that he's running for president
-McCain Sings Streisand- host turns the tables by mangling her standards
-Top O' The Morning- moody Patrick (JIF) & William (SEM) on Irish TV
November 2, 2002-Eric McCormack
*Rudy Giuliani (DAH) tapes ads for GOP candidates he barely knows
-The Bachelor (host) picks ditzy hottie (MAR) instead of one-legged Amber (AMP)
-losing at a party game causes overly-competitive (RAD) to go on a rampage
-American Morning- Paula Zahn (TIF) & new co-anchor (host) fall in love
-lenient judge (WLF) is slow to control defendant's (host) disruptive bullhorn
-voice play of morning deejay Joey Mack (JIF) victimizes politician (host)
-Jackass, The Musical- stunts meet songs when show-offs perform showtunes
-(MAR) embarrasses bar patron (TRM) by disproving his boastfulness
November 9, 2002-Nia Vardalos
*after midterm elections, George W. Bush (CHP) miscalculates GOP advantage
-at a sushi bar, Bloater brothers (JIF) & (CHP) interest (host) but can't seduce her
-Dan Rather (DAH) covers nerds' surprising sweep of student council seats
-at a spa, it takes a while for (host) to finish giving (RAD) a bikini wax
-The Ferey Muhtar (HOS) Talk Show- sidekick (DAH) is fascinated by actress (host)
-supposedly-loyal hawk Donald lives it up as The Falconer (WLF) waits
-Missy Elliott's (TRM) exercise video contains impossible-to-mimic moves
-personal injury lawyer Glenda Goodwin (MAR) specializes in weird cases
-Community Accents- Vasquez (HOS) stuns guests with inappropriate comments
November 16, 2002-Brittany Murphy
*ADS & The Drei-Dels [real] perform "The Chanukah Song, Part 3"
-The Leather Man (JIF) sells pants to (host) as Choo-Choo (HOS) chases a snake
-Donahue (DAH)- nonexistent viewership points to the death of liberalism
-Jarret's (JIF) Room- fellow student (host) is hooked on stimulants
-Princess Di's former butler Paul Burrell (SEM) denies he's a homosexual
-Tennis Talk- time-traveling Scott Joplin (MAR) offers racquets & ragtime
-Astronaut Jones (TRM), (GAM) & (Nelly) meet the Queen Of The Zorgons (host)
-Nicole, The Girl With No Gaydar (RAD) meets her lesbian counterpart (host) at party
December 7, 2002-Robert DeNiro
*Craig Fenson (host) reads naughty-sounding names of suspected terrorists
-Thomas Jefferson (host) puts the moves on his slave Sally Hemings (MAR)
-gruff theater veteran (host) takes on the titular role in Peter Pan production
-frustrated mall Santa (host) argues with his helper elf girlfriend (MAR)
-Judge Horace (TRM)- (host) sues girlfriend (HOS) for not losing weight
-A Very Versace (MAR) Chanukah has Siegfried (Harvey Keitel) & Roy (host) visit
-car salesman (host) slaps customer (SEM) to get him to buy options
-divorced dad (host) badmouths his ex-wife through a bedtime story for son (CHK)
-countermeasures aimed at a giant radioactive bear just make things worse
December 14, 2002-Al Gore
*host locks lips with his wife Tipper [real] in an extended passionate kiss
-Hardball- Trent Lott (host) outlines his thoughts on segregation
-Fiesta Politica- the talk show's format isn't a good match for host's style
-Jarret's (JIF) Room- professor (host) thinks Phish [real] sets a bad example
-Daily Affirmation- Stuart (Al Franken) helps host overcome pain of election result
-Willy Wonka's (JER) accountant brother (host) explains financial realities
-on Christmas Eve, boozed (TRM) & (MAR) musically consider drink options
January 11, 2003-Jeff Gordon
*Kim Jong Il (HOS) describes the roots of his irrational behavior
-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- supposedly-armless snake can't be trusted
-Access Hollywood- Diana Ross (MAR) performs while failing a sobriety test
-on career day, carpet salesman (SEM) is upstaged by fighter pilot (host)
-Star Dates- Gary Busey (JER) embarrasses himself while out with (RAD)
-aquarium repairmen (JIF) & (HOS) make annoying wisecracks instead of working
-Charlie Rose (JER)- unfocussed interview annoys Donald Rumsfeld (DAH)
-The Terrye Funck Hour- amateur show is taped in (CHP)’s basement
-Stripper Pole- liven up your party with the staple of exotic dancing
January 18, 2003-Ray Liotta
*Donald Rumsfeld (DAH) says "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" over Iraq
-Live With Regis (DAH) & Kelly (AMP)- compatibility is weak towards David Caruso (host)
-puberty has made breasty (RAD) unsuitable for cast of (host) & (JIF)’s kids show
-Donald attends a frat party while The Falconer (WLF) is trapped under a log
-Hannibal Lecter (DAH) & Paul (host) open an eat-your-own-brain restaurant
-to The Hangman (host), frontier justice requires sex with a grandma (RAD)
-Top O' The Morning- Gangs Of New York stirs passions of Patrick (JIF) & William (SEM)
-old Vegas lounge comic Buddy Mills (CHK) does his geriatric act with (host)
February 8, 2003-Matthew McConaughey
*United Nations delegates ignore Colin Powell (DAH) & plan to abuse their power
-on a blind date, (host) offends (RAD) by wildly misguessing her age & weight
-Jarret's (JIF) Room- 33 year-old sophomore David Wooderson (host) likes college
-at an anti-war rally, speaker (host) can't keep the crowd on-message
-Club Traxx- Euroteens love America's music but hate its foreign policy
-(CHK) gets beat up whenever co-worker (host) uses him to tell a story
-Second Time Around- Glenda Goodwin (MAR) welcomes pyramid power advocate (host)
-host's McConaughey's Red Hot Texas Chili product is first in farts
February 15, 2003-Jennifer Garner
*George W. Bush (CHP) doesn't care if Iraq has weapons of mass destruction
-(JIF)'s bar hookup (host) morphs into homely (FRA) when the lights turn on
-Wake Up Wakefield!- at Valentine's Day dance, (host) falls for Sheldon (RAD)
-Saddam Hussein (HOS) phones Osama bin Laden (JIF) to ask for some slack
-soap opera actress (host) attempts passionate scene with effeminate (CHK)
-(CHK) is disappointed to be paired with (host)'s ugly Siamese twin (RAD)
-Michael Jackson (AMP) In A Tree- Elizabeth Taylor (RAD) gives guidance
-greeters (AMP) & (host) are amazed at the layout of their Wal-Mart
February 22, 2003-Christopher Walken
*Hardball- French foreign minister (host) enjoys provoking USA over Iraq
-Pranksters- to (host), murder by tire iron is a hilarious practical joke
-The Continental (host) pursues a spokesmodel for his line of beauty products
-incompetent captain (host) leads liferaft survivors (FRA) (SEM) (WLF) to ruin
-after the Civil War, arrival of Colonel Angus (host) has oral sex subtext
-(MAR) wants no part of Dr. Walter's (host) lusty exploits with Roger (WIF) & Virginia (RAD)
-act of Buddy Mills (CHK) & fellow lounge comic (host) has an air of pathos
March 8, 2003-Queen Latifah
*Bill Clinton (DAH) & Bob Dole (DAA) do a Point-Counterpoint about Iraq
-106 & Park- Baby K (JER) & his producer (host) perform infant hip-hop
-Live With Regis (DAH) & Kelly (AMP)- Frenchie Davis (host) sings
-Where Are They Now?- '60s girl group (AMP) (MAR) (host) pursued a follow-up dance hit
-(WLF) pleads for peace through song when (host) & (AMP) fight over a ham
-Profiles In Jazz- '20s singer's (host) lyrics didn't hide sexual content
-overly-personal apothecary Don (HOS) is open about customers’ conditions
March 15, 2003-Salma Hayek
*George W. Bush (CHP) answers softball questions barely related to Iraq
-Top O' The Morning- Patrick (JIF), Latina (host) & beau William (SEM) toast St. Patrick's Day
-Versace (MAR) Oscar Fashion Preview has Christian Aguilera [real] picking up a dress
-while stuck in a cardboard box, (WLF) confronts his cheating wife (host) and her lover (JIF)
-(host) teaches seduction to Vasquez (HOS), Gabe (FRA), Ruth (RAD) & A.J. (TRM)
-director's cut of original King Kong movie has the ape getting a hand job from (TRM) & (host)
April 5, 2003-Bernie Mac
*George W. Bush (CHP) gives an update on progress for the war in Iraq
-on opening day at Fenway Park, Sully (JIF) & Denise (RAD) summon beer vendor (host)
-Brain Busters- contestants' (JIF) & (HOS) ignorance of Black History angers (host)
-disruptive moviegoers (host) & (TRM) talk during a screening of The Pianist
-fourth Stooge (host) beats up Moe (CHP), Larry (CHK) & Curly (JER)
-hoarse bar patrons (host) & (AMP) complain about NYC's new no-smoking law
-Second Time Around- Glenda Goodwin (MAR) is annoyed by ex-husband Barry (host)
-Saddam Hussein's (HOS) advisers sugarcoat news about the war with USA
-black stand-ups prefer Don Banks' (host) King of "Comedy" Suits
April 12, 2003-Ray Romano
*Saddam Hussein (HOS) asserts that he's alive in Baghdad and not assassinated
-What's The Rush?- (host) thinks virgin couple (SEM) & (AMP) should have sex
-Wake Up Wakefield!- Sheldon's (RAD) dad (host) gives tax advice on career day
-losing his gig at Caesar's has devastated Buddy Mills' (CHK) colleague (host)
-telephone-answerer (host) is made to embarrass himself a la Phone Booth
-Access Hollywood- Chet Harper (host) cheerfully fabricates showbiz items
-Club Traxx- Iraqi pop sensation Youseffi (host) likes to disco
May 3, 2003-Ashton Kutcher
*George W. Bush (CHP) addresses returning sailors on future military action
-Jarret's (JIF) Room- Icelandic student (host) tries weed from Amsterdam
-Dateline NBC- Matt Lauer (SEM) looks back on aging Madonna's (AMP) career
-teacher (CHP) busts students who got their term papers from the Internet
-animal companions of The Falconer (WLF) & The Muskrateer (host) compete
-Politics Today- high school dropouts ignorantly address current issues
-death row inmates boo doo-wop group '50s Ent. (JIF) (FRA) (host) & (CHK)
May 10, 2003-Adrien Brody
*American Idol- commercials & teases stretch out the announcement of finalist
-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- a hairless cat & toucan are personified
-(RAD)'s date's (CHK) apartment reveals him to be a self-involved weirdo
-Live With Regis (DAH) & Kelly (AMP)- trip winner (host) amputated his arm
-at Lensmasters, (host) & (CHK) suggest high-concept glasses for (AMP)
-ballroom dance instructor (host) coaches Vasquez (HOS), Gabe (FRA), Ruth (RAD) & A.J. (TRM)
-(host), (CHP) & (WLF) struggle to title gay porno version of The Pianist
May 17, 2003-Dan Aykroyd
*Hardball- Al Sharpton (TRM) is unlikely to become president in 2004
-Top O' The Morning- William's (SEM) dad (DAA) & many siblings with Patrick (JIF) fill the bar
-Buddy Mills (CHK) reunites with his old friend (DAA) at the Rialto Grande
-Donald joins a biker gang while The Falconer (WLF) sinks in quicksand
-Versace (MAR) Backyard Barbeque has David Letterman (JER) & Anna Nicole Smith
(John Goodman) visit
-Astronaut Jones (TRM) & (DAA) encounter yet another sexy space babe (MAR)
-canines sample the cuisine at an upscale restaurant run by & for dogs
-Sam Elliott (DAA) stays dry with Dr. Deacon's Haunch Crack Powder
No comments:
Post a Comment