October 3, 1981-no host
-Little Richard Simmons (EDM) does exercise & rock-n-roll with audience
-at the beach, (ROD) finds that fellow nun (MAG) has poor qualifications
-A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney (JOP)- shoes & assorted other topics are discussed
-annoying one-night stand Rod (TIK) annoys Ruth (ROD) after her father dies
-at her father's funeral, Ruth (ROD) puts up with obnoxious relatives & Rod (TIK)
October 10, 1981-Susan Saint James
-McDonald & Wife- Ronald McDonald (JOP) & (host) solve crime while in bed
-Buckwheat (EDM) is back & he has a new album- Buh-Weet Sings
-The Bizarro World- Black House policy is the same in this inverted dimension
-shipwreck survivors (JOP) & (host) have a musical date in a lifeboat
-(TIK)'s skanky fiancé Paulette Clooney (ROD) meets him in a restaurant
-on their honeymoon, (TOR) is surprised that his wife (host) is a virgin
-Cheap Laffs- Sta-Free Peenie Pads is the vulgar joke of the week
-Sensitivity Training For Men- Alan Alda's book gets girls
October 17, 1981-George Kennedy
*To Tell The Truth- host takes command of control room during technical difficulties
-Mister Robinson's (EDM) Neighborhood- eviction notice from Mr. Landlord (TIK)
-A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney (JOP)- chocolate & Mrs. Rooney (CHE) are present
-Velvet Jones (EDM) School of Technology offers career help in I Wanna Be A Ho
-Spray-On Laetril alleviates (MAG)'s lung cancer & comes in "the pump"
-La Cage Aux Folles '81- Renato (TIK) & Albin (host) return for a sequel
-Rubik's Teeth- JOP demonstrates the dental puzzle
-Jake the Hired Hand (TOR) takes (ROD)'s land despite sexual tension
-a secretary (CHE) & janitor (host) talk about what's important to them
October 31, 1981-Donald Pleasence
*host tries EDM's suggestion & vomits for good luck
-Profiles In British Courage- (host) operates on cooperative soldier (TIK)
-Two Faces of Jerry- movie about the serious (JOP) & comical (EDM) Lewises
-(CHE) sings "Last Night I Killed My Husband" while cleaning up the mess
-Tales From The Hip- a boogie-woogie musical version of Macbeth
-during Annie intermission, theatergoers talk (TIK) out of bathroom stall
-a sugar-loving family enjoys the most important meal of the day
-The Vic Salukin (TOR) Show- challenge of "Scare me!" has lethal results
November 7, 1981-Lauren Hutton
-Here's Cos- new album from frequent Tonight Show fill-in Bill Cosby (EDM)
-Ed Meese (TOR) uses movie ruse to direct Ronald Reagan's (JOP) presidency
-host demonstrates Whisper's bubble bath & detergent uses simultaneously
-Cheap Laffs- Macho Wipe super-abrasive toilet paper is weekly lowbrow joke
-(JOP) & (host) act out a scene from a men's Harlequin Romance novel
-Reach Out- Brooke Shields (MAG) & Cheryl Tiegs (CHE) talk real-life problems
-Velvet Jones' (EDM) follow-up book teaches guys how to be a pimp & kick ho butt
-(JOP) longs for the good old days when Coca-Cola contained cocaine
-Bitter People- Pat Cooper (JOP) says mean things about Vegas performers
November 14, 1981-Bernadette Peters
-I Married A Monkey- baby Ronnie frolics as Madge considers a divorce offer
-Hidden Photo- Allen Funt (JOP) gives diners dangerous forks & upsets kids
-(TOR) tells a bedtime story about camels that upholster furniture
-after power failure, TOR & CHE's sketch is unacceptable to the censor (TIK)
-42nd Street- an innocent starlet (host) gets her chance in a sleazy club
-Nick the Knock (JOP) listens to a fairy's (MAG) poem, then eats her spine
-Rock 'n Roll Heaven Inc. specializes in dead musician merchandizing
December 5, 1981-Tim Curry
-Mick Jagger's (host) first TV variety special has Buckwheat (EDM) & more
-Frank (TIK) stays with his Italian father (TOR) after a fight with his wife
-host & Meat Loaf [real] advertise Tim & Meat's One Stop Rocky Horror Shop
-Dan Rather (JOP) & others ponder If Reagan Had Survived The Assassination
December 12, 1981-Bill Murray
-Tales of the Unlikely- Libyan terrorists try to assassinate the president
-a washed-up Tom Snyder (JOP) has delusions in a dumpy hotel room
-Father Guido Sarducci endorses MX-5 tampons
-Designer Fairy Tales- elves make clothes for Ralph Lauren (BIM)
-At Home With The Psychos- a nuclear family is prepared for the blow hole
-(JOP) & (CHE) explain trickle-down economics to Honker (BIM) through song
January 23, 1982-Robert Conrad
*The People's Court- Paulette Clooney (ROD) sues Velvet Jones (EDM) over failed ho bid
-Wild Wild Wild West- James West (host) visits Velvet Jones' (EDM) brothel
-Battle of the Week- game show puts Las Vegas showgirls vs. volunteer army
-A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney (JOP)- the topic is breasts
-G. Gordon Liddy (host) & Richard Nixon (TOR) plan to dispute FDR (TIK)
January 30, 1982-John Madden
*host gives postgame report from Super Bowl loser Bengals' locker room
-Art Fern (JOP) on how to succeed the Johnny Carson way by stealing characters
-Betty Beer- the Bitches' Brew gives women confidence to act dumb like men
-Poetry Corner- host's poems carry the mark of a former football coach
-Mary Richards (MAG) & Ted Baxter (JOP) ask Lou Grant (TOR) to come back
-Buckwheat (EDM) & Captain Kangaroo (TOR) visit Tom Snyder's (JOP) kiddie show
-mobster (TOR) goes to (EDM) to be assigned a nickname
-Solomon (EDM) remembers his wife & complains to Pudge (JOP) about bunions
February 6, 1982-James Coburn
*Frank Sinatra (JOP) sings a medley to honor Ronald Reagan's 71st birthday
-I Married A Monkey- while on vacation, Madge fools around with (host)
-Mister Robinson's (EDM) Neighborhood- Mr. Landlord (TIK) cuts off the heat
-Jesus in Blue Jeans- Jerry Falwell's (BDM) Christianized rock classics
-MAG points out the signals that show that host is a homosexual
-Dan Rather (JOP) wants to eliminate 60 Minutes on behalf of its victims
-Ronald Reagan thinks host's past movie roles make him a qualified advisor
-Unique Perspectives- survivalists (TIK) & (TOR) see shelter as babe magnet
-Those Crazy Taboosters- inbred family doesn't mind breaking social norms
February 20, 1982-Bruce Dern
*host advises TIK to be realistic about his movie prospects
-(host) accidentally agrees to take (MAG)'s dog on a ski trip
-Focus on Film- Raheem Abdul Muhammed (EDM) denies that his buddy is homosexual
-The Bizarro World- NBC programming is unchanged in the backward dimension
-songwriters Schleimer (JOP) & Laub (TIK) have trouble selling their work
-The Mild One- a Zen-inspired biker (host) verbally examines diner patrons
-an unstable pilot (host) makes his passengers nervous
-while entertaining at her cafe, Melina (ROD) makes her troubles known
February 27, 1982-Elizabeth Ashley
*Dan Rather (JOP) tries to loosen up & ends up emulating Walter Cronkite
-Big Damn Plastic Bubble- EDM thinks the home protection device is stupid
-Speaking as a Woman- host & other female panelists discuss past loves
-a cardinal (TOR) daydreams about Pope John Paul II (JOP) being a diva
-(EDM) takes a hostage in order to audition in front of Joseph Papp [real]
-women's party conversation mirrors one they had twenty years before
-after losing a patient, doctors drink Lowembrau to loosen up
March 20, 1982-Robert Urich
*Burt Reynolds' ghost comes when host tires of being compared to him
-an in-studio look at a Paul Harvey (JOP) broadcast
-Focus on Film- host mimics Burt Reynolds on Raheem Abdul Muhammed's (EDM) show
-Ronald Reagan hires Dr. Strangelove (TIK) against Ed Meese's (TOR) wishes
-Golden Age School of Obedience shuts up complaining elderly parents
-(TOR) discovers his wife (ROD) was artificially fertilized with a koala embryo
-Headline Challenge- panelists fail to identify Jose Espinoza (TIK)
-Low Class Italian Theater- ethnic cliches include a Rocky-inspired Hamlet
March 27, 1982-Blythe Danner
*Alpo pitchman Lorne Greene (JOP) has the meat dogs really prefer
-(ROD) & (TIK) rush dinner after discovering their chastity was unintentional
-20/20- Geraldo Rivera (JOP) hassles baby delivery during hospital report
-reclusive poet (MAG) finds her kindred spirit in burglar Tyrone Green (EDM)
-some of the less appealing aspects of the '50s have resurfaced in the '80s
-Gumby (EDM) tells Tom Snyder (JOP) on his kiddie-show of toon scandal
-Meet The People- panelists' rude questions offend Princess Di (CHE)
April 10, 1982-Daniel J. Travanti
*EDM asks the home audience to call in to decide Larry the Lobster's fate
-Doug (JOP) & Wendy (ROD) Whiner go out to eat on their anniversary
-(TOR) tells Ethel Merman impersonator (CHE) that her skill isn't special
-Hill Street Blues- Furillo (host) is unable to separate his work and personal lives
-Career Corner- Tooth Fairy (EDM) wishes to change his profession
-Reagan-brand (JOP) economics- "where the D.C. stands for don't care"
April 17, 1982-Johnny Cash
*host sings while his younger self (TIK) has character-forming experiences
-The Honeyrooneys- Andy Rooney (JOP) plays Kramden & makes observations
-a death row inmate's (EDM) last wish is host singing "99,999 Bottles of Beer"
-Ronald Reagan (JOP) suggests Margaret Thatcher (MAG) kiss an Argentinian
-Tegrim shampoo checks if you have dandruff by shaking your head over host
-train commuter (host) speaks poetically about his preferred mode of transport
-Black Talk- (EDM) & (Clint Smith) engage in some of the show's title
April 24, 1982-Robert Culp
*Kelly (host) goes undercover to investigate old I-Spy buddy Scotty (EDM)
-Middle Age of Aquarius- Mary Travers (CHE) introduces updated '60s hits
-out-of-town convention attendees (JOP) & (BDM) hire a "party girl" (ROD)
-in (CHE)'s uterus, a sperm (TIK) tries to pick up an egg (MAG)
-James Brown is Annie- Godfather of Soul (EDM) sings hits from the musical
-business-as-usual for the crew of a submarine stranded on the ocean floor
-Happy's (EDM) Mayonnaise Palace has delicious treats made entirely of mayo
May 15, 1982-Danny DeVito
*footage of wrestling match between Andy Kaufman & Jerry Lawler is teased
-(host) is stuck next to Doug (JOP) & Wendy (ROD) Whiner on an airplane
-(host) has to pass an unannounced stress test to get promoted
-Solomon (EDM) does his dance while Pudge (JOP) plays his new song
-Enzo mouthwash can freshen even Ozzy Osbourne's (TIK) breath
-Table Talk- TOR shows how to intimidate the wine steward
-Looks At Books- (TIK) claims that the Beatles stole ideas from the Nazis
May 22, 1982-Olivia Newton-John
*Paulette Clooney (ROD) meets her idol host by chance in the ladies' restroom
-Frank Sinatra (JOP) & Stevie Wonder (EDM) sing "Ebony & Ivory" variation
-I Married A Monkey- Madge doesn't want to give up her new life as a nun
-Colonel (Graham Chapman) halts sketch about Hitler (TIK) at pearly gates
-after being fired, (EDM) can no longer understand fellow businessmen's banter
-unpopular girls (MAG) & (ROD) try to impress bad girls (host) & (CHE)
-Sports Organ Classics- bring ballpark excitement home with this songbook
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