Season 28 (02-03)

October 5, 2002-Matt Damon

*Dick Cheney (DAH) rides on a missile flying toward Baghdad

-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- a porcupine & pot-bellied pig cause anxiety

-Sully (JIF) fares as Denise (RAD) misses her chance to meet Bruce Springsteen at concert

-Hannibal Lecter (host) Goes To Michigan State in pre-prequel movie

-Dr. Matt Damon (CHP) complains to similarly named host about being overshadowed

-Versace (MAR) Pockets is the extravagant way to enjoy a microwaveable meal

-(host)'s government-funded sex robot project has come to nothing

-Dr. Phil McGraw (JER) offers wacky advice to guests on his show

October 12, 2002-Sarah Michelle Gellar

*George W. Bush (CHP) notifies Saddam Hussein of impending regime change

-Be-Safe Gang's (FRA), (AMP) & (host) supposed street smarts are bad advice

-music captivates inept romantic (CHK) as he fantasizes about being a dentist 

-Saddam Hussein (DAH) pushes for survival by sacrificing his look-alikes

-Making The Video- gritty Christina Aguilera (host) likes getting "Dirrty"

-(host) watches Arli$$ to avoid laughter-induced loss of bladder control

-(MAR)'s dedication to offering herself to her man (TRM) attracts him

-sleazy Merv The Perv (CHP) weakens the goal of sexual harassment seminar

October 19, 2002-John McCain

*on election day, Iraqi TV covers Saddam Hussein's (HOS) overwhelming victory

-Hardball- John Ashcroft (host) & Harry Belafonte (TRM) say crazy things

-feminist Lifetime Original Movie exaggerates invasion of personal space between (host) & (AMP)

-Wake Up Wakefield!- visual arts teacher (host) is a former hippie

-Meet The Press- host repeatedly denies that he's running for president

-McCain Sings Streisand- host turns the tables by mangling her standards

-Top O' The Morning- moody Patrick (JIF) & William (SEM) on Irish TV

November 2, 2002-Eric McCormack

*Rudy Giuliani (DAH) tapes ads for GOP candidates he barely knows

-The Bachelor (host) picks ditzy hottie (MAR) instead of one-legged Amber (AMP)

-losing at a party game causes overly-competitive (RAD) to go on a rampage

-American Morning- Paula Zahn (TIF) & new co-anchor (host) fall in love

-lenient judge (WLF) is slow to control defendant's (host) disruptive bullhorn

-voice play of morning deejay Joey Mack (JIF) victimizes politician (host)

-Jackass, The Musical- stunts meet songs when show-offs perform showtunes

-(MAR) embarrasses bar patron (TRM) by disproving his boastfulness

November 9, 2002-Nia Vardalos

*after midterm elections, George W. Bush (CHP) miscalculates GOP advantage

-at a sushi bar, Bloater brothers (JIF) & (CHP) interest (host) but can't seduce her

-Dan Rather (DAH) covers nerds' surprising sweep of student council seats

-at a spa, it takes a while for (host) to finish giving (RAD) a bikini wax

-The Ferey Muhtar (HOS) Talk Show- sidekick (DAH) is fascinated by actress (host)

-supposedly-loyal hawk Donald lives it up as The Falconer (WLF) waits

-Missy Elliott's (TRM) exercise video contains impossible-to-mimic moves

-personal injury lawyer Glenda Goodwin (MAR) specializes in weird cases

-Community Accents- Vasquez (HOS) stuns guests with inappropriate comments

November 16, 2002-Brittany Murphy

*ADS & The Drei-Dels [real] perform "The Chanukah Song, Part 3"

-The Leather Man (JIF) sells pants to (host) as Choo-Choo (HOS) chases a snake

-Donahue (DAH)- nonexistent viewership points to the death of liberalism

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- fellow student (host) is hooked on stimulants

-Princess Di's former butler Paul Burrell (SEM) denies he's a homosexual

-Tennis Talk- time-traveling Scott Joplin (MAR) offers racquets & ragtime

-Astronaut Jones (TRM), (GAM) & (Nelly) meet the Queen Of The Zorgons (host)

-Nicole, The Girl With No Gaydar (RAD) meets her lesbian counterpart (host) at party

December 7, 2002-Robert DeNiro

*Craig Fenson (host) reads naughty-sounding names of suspected terrorists

-Thomas Jefferson (host) puts the moves on his slave Sally Hemings (MAR)

-gruff theater veteran (host) takes on the titular role in Peter Pan production

-frustrated mall Santa (host) argues with his helper elf girlfriend (MAR)

-Judge Horace (TRM)- (host) sues girlfriend (HOS) for not losing weight

-A Very Versace (MAR) Chanukah has Siegfried (Harvey Keitel) & Roy (host) visit

-car salesman (host) slaps customer (SEM) to get him to buy options

-divorced dad (host) badmouths his ex-wife through a bedtime story for son (CHK)

-countermeasures aimed at a giant radioactive bear just make things worse

December 14, 2002-Al Gore

*host locks lips with his wife Tipper [real] in an extended passionate kiss

-Hardball- Trent Lott (host) outlines his thoughts on segregation

-Fiesta Politica- the talk show's format isn't a good match for host's style

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- professor (host) thinks Phish [real] sets a bad example

-Daily Affirmation- Stuart (Al Franken) helps host overcome pain of election result

-Willy Wonka's (JER) accountant brother (host) explains financial realities

-on Christmas Eve, boozed (TRM) & (MAR) musically consider drink options

January 11, 2003-Jeff Gordon

*Kim Jong Il (HOS) describes the roots of his irrational behavior

-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- supposedly-armless snake can't be trusted

-Access Hollywood- Diana Ross (MAR) performs while failing a sobriety test

-on career day, carpet salesman (SEM) is upstaged by fighter pilot (host)

-Star Dates- Gary Busey (JER) embarrasses himself while out with (RAD)

-aquarium repairmen (JIF) & (HOS) make annoying wisecracks instead of working

-Charlie Rose (JER)- unfocussed interview annoys Donald Rumsfeld (DAH)

-The Terrye Funck Hour- amateur show is taped in (CHP)’s basement

-Stripper Pole- liven up your party with the staple of exotic dancing

January 18, 2003-Ray Liotta

*Donald Rumsfeld (DAH) says "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" over Iraq

-Live With Regis (DAH) & Kelly (AMP)- compatibility is weak towards David Caruso (host)

-puberty has made breasty (RAD) unsuitable for cast of (host) & (JIF)’s kids show

-Donald attends a frat party while The Falconer (WLF) is trapped under a log

-Hannibal Lecter (DAH) & Paul (host) open an eat-your-own-brain restaurant

-to The Hangman (host), frontier justice requires sex with a grandma (RAD)

-Top O' The Morning- Gangs Of New York stirs passions of Patrick (JIF) & William (SEM)

-old Vegas lounge comic Buddy Mills (CHK) does his geriatric act with (host)

February 8, 2003-Matthew McConaughey

*United Nations delegates ignore Colin Powell (DAH) & plan to abuse their power

-on a blind date, (host) offends (RAD) by wildly misguessing her age & weight

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- 33 year-old sophomore David Wooderson (host) likes college

-at an anti-war rally, speaker (host) can't keep the crowd on-message

-Club Traxx- Euroteens love America's music but hate its foreign policy

-(CHK) gets beat up whenever co-worker (host) uses him to tell a story

-Second Time Around- Glenda Goodwin (MAR) welcomes pyramid power advocate (host)

-host's McConaughey's Red Hot Texas Chili product is first in farts

February 15, 2003-Jennifer Garner

*George W. Bush (CHP) doesn't care if Iraq has weapons of mass destruction

-(JIF)'s bar hookup (host) morphs into homely (FRA) when the lights turn on

-Wake Up Wakefield!- at Valentine's Day dance, (host) falls for Sheldon (RAD)

-Saddam Hussein (HOS) phones Osama bin Laden (JIF) to ask for some slack

-soap opera actress (host) attempts passionate scene with effeminate (CHK)

-(CHK) is disappointed to be paired with (host)'s ugly Siamese twin (RAD)

-Michael Jackson (AMP) In A Tree- Elizabeth Taylor (RAD) gives guidance

-greeters (AMP) & (host) are amazed at the layout of their Wal-Mart

February 22, 2003-Christopher Walken

*Hardball- French foreign minister (host) enjoys provoking USA over Iraq

-Pranksters- to (host), murder by tire iron is a hilarious practical joke

-The Continental (host) pursues a spokesmodel for his line of beauty products

-incompetent captain (host) leads liferaft survivors (FRA) (SEM) (WLF) to ruin

-after the Civil War, arrival of Colonel Angus (host) has oral sex subtext

-(MAR) wants no part of Dr. Walter's (host) lusty exploits with Roger (WIF) & Virginia (RAD)

-act of Buddy Mills (CHK) & fellow lounge comic (host) has an air of pathos

March 8, 2003-Queen Latifah

*Bill Clinton (DAH) & Bob Dole (DAA) do a Point-Counterpoint about Iraq

-106 & Park- Baby K (JER) & his producer (host) perform infant hip-hop

-Live With Regis (DAH) & Kelly (AMP)- Frenchie Davis (host) sings

-Where Are They Now?- '60s girl group (AMP) (MAR) (host) pursued a follow-up dance hit

-(WLF) pleads for peace through song when (host) & (AMP) fight over a ham

-Profiles In Jazz- '20s singer's (host) lyrics didn't hide sexual content

-overly-personal apothecary Don (HOS) is open about customers’ conditions

March 15, 2003-Salma Hayek

*George W. Bush (CHP) answers softball questions barely related to Iraq

-Top O' The Morning- Patrick (JIF), Latina (host) & beau William (SEM) toast St. Patrick's Day

-Versace (MAR) Oscar Fashion Preview has Christian Aguilera [real] picking up a dress

-while stuck in a cardboard box, (WLF) confronts his cheating wife (host) and her lover (JIF)

-(host) teaches seduction to Vasquez (HOS), Gabe (FRA), Ruth (RAD) & A.J. (TRM)

-director's cut of original King Kong movie has the ape getting a hand job from (TRM) & (host)

April 5, 2003-Bernie Mac

*George W. Bush (CHP) gives an update on progress for the war in Iraq

-on opening day at Fenway Park, Sully (JIF) & Denise (RAD) summon beer vendor (host)

-Brain Busters- contestants' (JIF) & (HOS) ignorance of Black History angers (host)

-disruptive moviegoers (host) & (TRM) talk during a screening of The Pianist

-fourth Stooge (host) beats up Moe (CHP), Larry (CHK) & Curly (JER)

-hoarse bar patrons (host) & (AMP) complain about NYC's new no-smoking law

-Second Time Around- Glenda Goodwin (MAR) is annoyed by ex-husband Barry (host)

-Saddam Hussein's (HOS) advisers sugarcoat news about the war with USA

-black stand-ups prefer Don Banks' (host) King of "Comedy" Suits

April 12, 2003-Ray Romano

*Saddam Hussein (HOS) asserts that he's alive in Baghdad and not assassinated

-What's The Rush?- (host) thinks virgin couple (SEM) & (AMP) should have sex

-Wake Up Wakefield!- Sheldon's (RAD) dad (host) gives tax advice on career day

-losing his gig at Caesar's has devastated Buddy Mills' (CHK) colleague (host)

-telephone-answerer (host) is made to embarrass himself a la Phone Booth

-Access Hollywood- Chet Harper (host) cheerfully fabricates showbiz items

-Club Traxx- Iraqi pop sensation Youseffi (host) likes to disco

May 3, 2003-Ashton Kutcher

*George W. Bush (CHP) addresses returning sailors on future military action

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- Icelandic student (host) tries weed from Amsterdam

-Dateline NBC- Matt Lauer (SEM) looks back on aging Madonna's (AMP) career

-teacher (CHP) busts students who got their term papers from the Internet

-animal companions of The Falconer (WLF) & The Muskrateer (host) compete

-Politics Today- high school dropouts ignorantly address current issues

-death row inmates boo doo-wop group '50s Ent. (JIF) (FRA) (host) & (CHK)

May 10, 2003-Adrien Brody

*American Idol- commercials & teases stretch out the announcement of finalist

-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- a hairless cat & toucan are personified

-(RAD)'s date's (CHK) apartment reveals him to be a self-involved weirdo

-Live With Regis (DAH) & Kelly (AMP)- trip winner (host) amputated his arm

-at Lensmasters, (host) & (CHK) suggest high-concept glasses for (AMP)

-ballroom dance instructor (host) coaches Vasquez (HOS), Gabe (FRA), Ruth (RAD) & A.J. (TRM)

-(host), (CHP) & (WLF) struggle to title gay porno version of The Pianist

May 17, 2003-Dan Aykroyd

*Hardball- Al Sharpton (TRM) is unlikely to become president in 2004

-Top O' The Morning- William's (SEM) dad (DAA) & many siblings with Patrick (JIF) fill the bar

-Buddy Mills (CHK) reunites with his old friend (DAA) at the Rialto Grande

-Donald joins a biker gang while The Falconer (WLF) sinks in quicksand

-Versace (MAR) Backyard Barbeque has David Letterman (JER) & Anna Nicole Smith 

(John Goodman) visit

-Astronaut Jones (TRM) & (DAA) encounter yet another sexy space babe (MAR)

-canines sample the cuisine at an upscale restaurant run by & for dogs

-Sam Elliott (DAA) stays dry with Dr. Deacon's Haunch Crack Powder

Season 27 (01-02)

September 29, 2001-Reese Witherspoon

*in the wake of terrorism, Rudy Giuliani [real] encourages perseverance & 

Paul Simon [real] performs "The Boxer" among NYC police & firemen

-Wake Up Wakefield!- Randy Goldman's (JIF) girlfriend (host) is a guest

-The Little Mermaid- (WIF) is put off by Ariel's (host) fish genitalia

-Marty (WIF) & Bobbi (ANG) perform a medley at a lesbian commitment ceremony

-Celebrity Jeopardy!- Chris Tucker (DEE), Anne Heche (host), Sean Connery (DAH) are inept

-newborn baby's nonstop farts & burps distress parents (WIF) & (host)

-Donatella Versace (MAR) & fashionistas sing kids songs For The Children

October 6, 2001-Seann William Scott

*George W. Bush (WIF) warns Osama bin Laden of payback to come

-at Jeffrey's, customers are insulted by more-stylish attitude of (JIF) & (host)

-Joan Rivers (ANG) hijacks Emmy Awards Pre-Show to roast dressed-down celebrities

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- winners of the Freshman Facebook Awards are announced

-(WIF) shows his patriotism by wearing flag-themed short shorts at a meeting

-The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show- Paula Zahn (AMP) resists Antonio Banderas' (CHK) sexiness

-The Approval Center- losers testify to the ambiguous joy of being approved

-on a dinner date, (AMP) reveals her porn actress career to (host)

October 13, 2001-Drew Barrymore

*from Afghanistan, army-of-one Dick Cheney (DAH) explains how he'll win the war

-Crossing Over- cold readings of John Edward (WIF) have low success rate

-in hotel hot tub, Roger (WIF) & Virginia (RAD) invite Dave (JIF) to be (host)'s lover

-DVD of Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory has outtakes & cast commentary

-First Liberty Savings Bank- (WIF) announces a currency liquidation sale

-Action Talk Show- Klaus VonBraunMan (CHK) welcomes action actress (host)

-while airing King Kong, TV station replaces its World Trade Center finale

-(WIF) heckles ex-girlfriend (host) & her new lover (MAR) at a coffeehouse

November 3, 2001-John Goodman

*John Ashcroft (DAH) alarms the press with vague warnings about terrorism

-(DAA) interviews unfortunately-named victims of September 11th backlash

-Liberty Medical spokesman Wilford Brimley (host) neglects his own health

-Nicole, The Girl With No Gaydar (RAD) is oblivious to sexual orientation

-CBS Evening Anthrax Update- Dan Rather (DAH) estimates journalists' health

-America Undercover- trashy white couple (CHK) & (AMP) in domestic dispute

-Bad Conceptual Theater- Leonard Pinth-Garnell (DAA) presents monkey-written play

-Little Sleuths (SEM) & (AMP) help detective (host) solve a gruesome case

November 10, 2001-Gwyneth Paltrow

*George W. Bush (WIF) reduces Muslim objections by spreading some myths

-at the fall formal, Sully (JIF) scoffs at Denise's (RAD) friend's (host) troubles

-Gemini's Twin (ANG) & (MAR) & newest member (host) ride the wave of USA patriotism

-Mrs. Attebury (ANG) is insensitive toward man of Middle Eastern heritage (CHK)

-at dinnertime, dysfunctional family (WIF) (ANG) (AMP) (host) have tense arguments

-Mango (CHK) & high school sweetheart host reunite and recall their "Summer Nights"

-Fiesta Politica- Donald Rumsfeld (DAH) is out of place on a Telemundo show

November 17, 2001-Billy Bob Thornton

*defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld (DAH) pesters reporters during a press briefing

-at the first Thanksgiving, gay (host)'s flamboyance embarrasses Pilgrims

-Nick Burns (JIF) & his dad (host) humiliate users while fixing computers

-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- a goat & a miniature horse cause confusion

-Inside The Actors Studio- host is motivated to hunt James Lipton (WIF)

-Martha Stewart (ANG) offers tips to put a patriotic spin on Thanksgiving

-at a party, the fall of Kandahar leads to a spontaneous jazzy dance number

-redneck (host) contemplates the fate of the fenced-in area located in his yard

December 1, 2001-Derek Jeter

*John Ashcroft (DAH) & George W. Bush (WIF) declare You Might Be A Terrorist If..

-Muchas Iglesias- Julio (host) & his brothers Enrique (JIF) & Julio, Jr. (CHK) sing

-(host) & other Yankee wives gossip in the stands and complain about sluts

-music captivates inept romantic (CHK) in daydream about giving host a massage

-Derek Jeter's Taco Hole- host promotes his Mexican restaurant

-Dealing With Mom & Dad- host helps youngster (CHK) with his bat technique

-in a cave hideout, Osama bin Laden (WIF) tries to boost his men's morale

-(host)'s friends are concerned that he's too happy about his perm

December 8, 2001-Hugh Jackman

*Al Gore's (DAH) phone call interrupts George W. Bush's (WIF) meeting

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- spy camera footage reveals (JER)'s embarrassing behavior

-Robert Goulet's (WIF) All-Holiday Special embraces all seasonal aspects

-artsy photographers (host) & (SEM) take family pictures at Sears portrait studio

-Hello Dolly- doll designer (host) thinks he should be getting more action

-from his Fortress of Solitude, Superman (host) phones home to Krypton

-male model (host) pays a visit to Donatella Versace's (MAR) bathroom

-host remembers his father's (WIF) traditional Christmas kangaroo fights

December 15, 2001-Ellen DeGeneres

*Osama bin Laden (WIF) tape reveals that terrorists were reluctant sacrifices

-Marty (WIF) & Bobbi (ANG) perform a medley at a shopping mall Nativity scene

-federal agent Kitty Singleton (host) is terrible at hand-to-hand combat

-host's Mango (CHK) obsession creates backlash among lesbian media moguls

-panic over forgotten household chores causes family to cut its trip short

-(WIF)'s kids (SEM) & (AMP) disapprove of his new girlfriend (host)

January 12, 2002-Josh Hartnett

*Bill Clinton (DAH) scores political points at Buddy's memorial service

-Wake Up Wakefield!- guest who hit a growth spurt (host) excites Megan (MAR)

-actress (ANG) overacts in melodramatic Lifetime Original Movie

-Shout Out Show!!- Grandmaster Freddy (TRM) gives props to everything

-HBO First Look- George Lucas (DAH) defends his Attack Of The Clones casting

-flight crew (SEM) & (AMP) offer lame entertainment to passengers stuck on runway

-to promote multicultural awareness, the Playboy Channel screens Arab porn

January 19, 2002-Jack Black

*a pretzel was blamed for Dick Cheney's (DAH) abuse of George W. Bush (WIF)

-stoner journalist (host) hazily investigates federal marijuana conspiracy

-Tales Of Valour- monster (host) would prefer a slut to virgin (AMP)

-at (host)'s ski lodge, Roger (WIF) & Virginia (RAD) unsettle (CHK) & (AMP)

-Now That's What Actors Call Singing- album features stars' vanity bands

-hype occurs when (WIF) challenges electric bass master (host) to a duel

-America Undercover- gruff (host) & trashy white couple (CHK) & (AMP) in love triangle

-(host)'s gothic rock opera serves as a Happy Birthday Song alternative

February 2, 2002-Britney Spears

*Mormons (DAA) & (WIF) preach during Olympic skier's (AMP) downhill run

-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- a rabbit & donkey don't cut their own hair

-Skipper (host) learns that she's Barbie's (AMP) daughter, not her sister

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- stoners Gobi (HOS) & Summer (host) make a perfect couple

-Astronaut Jones (TRM) sci-fi adventure is a vanity project for its star

-Gemini's Twin (ANG) & (MAR) & latest member (host) in epic hip-hop film is documented

-technical problems plague anchors (WIF) & (ANG) during morning news program

-The Leather Man (JIF) sells squeaky animal-skin attire to (host)

March 2, 2002-Jonny Mosely

*anything that bothers George W. Bush (WIF) earns membership in the Axis Of Evil

-Sully (JIF) & Denise (RAD) reconcile while riding a ski lift to the top of a mountain

-The O'Reilly (JER) Factor- guests' facts are judged as matters of opinion

-DisMissed- (host) chooses chick (MAR) over one-legged Amber (AMP)

-orbiting host solves problems while performing his signature Dinner Roll move

-Super Buzzers- 1970s game show consists of panel intros for celebrities

-old school Broadway legend (ANG) pushes for minimal choreography

-groom (host) & bride (AMP) have pre-ceremony doubts about extreme wedding

March 9, 2002-Jon Stewart

*Dick Cheney (DAH) is concerned about the networks battle for David Letterman

-Total Request Live- (host)'s genetically-engineered boy band makes its debut

-Bloater brothers' (JIF) & (CHP) dad (host) comes to rescue them from airport security

-Talkin' To The Stars- good girl RAD & bad boy TRM interview host

-David Letterman (JER) & Ted Koppel (DAH) attend a party of telejournalists

-Jazz Visions- spoons player (host) performs tracks from his erotic album

-We Were Soldiers That Knew What Women Want is an odd Mel Gibson (host) film

March 16, 2002-Ian McKellen

*colors of Tom Ridge's (DAH) terrorism alert scale are confusingly neutral

-Versace (MAR) Oscar Party has Bono (CHK) & Yves St. Laurent (host) drop in

-Lynn (RAD) & Margaret Jo (ANG) learn about (host)'s Irish dishes' tied to dead relatives

-Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater- (host) solves a murder in a cramped basket

-The Ferey Muhtar (HOS) Talk Show- club owner (host) on Turkish programs

-(host) makes many quick changes during his one-man show about Charles Dickens

-Kevin & Richie's Comic Book Zone- Dr. Who impersonator (host) excites (SEM) & (HOS)

April 6, 2002-Cameron Diaz

*in Lamaze class, Marty (WIF) & pregnant Bobbi (ANG) perform a gestation medley

-17th Annual Auto Show Spokeswoman Awards- emotional (CHP) delights in historic win

-MTV Spring Break- (host) & (MAR) dance wildly to get on camera

-Astronaut Jones' (TRM) voyage to Jupiter involves space babes (host) (MAR) (AMP)

-after a brief retirement, Celine Dion (ANG) sings & talks about motherhood

-Gorgeous Living With Prunella Watson- sloppiness equals style for (AMP)

-(WIF) studies gender differences between Mr. Peepers (CHK) & Miss Peeps (host)

-shy Japanese girl group Crash Papaya performs energetically on MTV4

April 13, 2002-Dwayne Johnson

*George W. Bush (WIF) tries to outdo suicide bombers' torture rewards

-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- parrot sparks fears of identity theft

-Scorpion King (host) doesn't want to take his whiny son (SEM) into battle

-Arthur Andersen now offers shady accounting to individual taxpayers

-Hardball- Dick Armey (WIF), Pat Caddell (JIF) & Paul Begala (CHK) speculate

-on the subway, (MAR) musically disses loudmouth know-it-all Fred (TRM)

-Nicole, The Girl With No Gaydar (RAD) misreads patrons at a gay piano bar

-duet album by Bigfoot (host) & stoned Neil Diamond (WIF) may not be real

-America Undercover- trashy white couple (CHK) & (AMP) wreak havoc in an emergency room

April 20, 2002-Alec Baldwin

*Fox News Channel anchors are thrilled at the prospect of a Robert Blake trial

-(host) is shocked that he sounds gay on his voice mail greeting

-successful white men are dumping their wives for elderly black women

-domesticated Ozzy Osbourne (HOS) is only comprehensible while singing

-Roger's (WIF) college roommate (host) attends surprise party thrown by Virginia (RAD)

-The Tony Bennett (host) Show- Liza Minnelli (MAR) & David Gest (CHK) banter

May 11, 2002-Kirsten Dunst

*George W. Bush (WIF) misidentifies Middle Eastern leaders' names in briefing

-Last Call With Carson Daly (JIF)- imitative (host) sings & plays piano

-Demilon keeps senior citizens controllable by counteracting memory drugs

-extras' (WIF) (AMP) (host) antics steal attention from a serious scene

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- (host) & (AMP) are the stars of a copycat webcam show

-trial of Anna Kournikova (host) vs. Penthouse is presented in a Laugh-In style

-Wake Up Wakefield!- Megan (MAR) & Sheldon (RAD) are at (host)'s slumber party

-Kyle (CHK) & Sean (CHP) DeMarco & cousin (host) audition to tour with Eminem [real]

May 18, 2002-Winnona Ryder

*Fidel Castro (WIF) recaps embarrassments of Jimmy Carter's (DAH) tenure

-Celebrity Jeopardy!- Dave Matthews (JIF) & Bjork (host) antics wrap up with Alex Trebek [real]

-bride's (host) two dads (WIF) & (CHP) sing at her wedding reception

-bear researcher (WIF) is betrayed by (host) in a plot to kill his wife (ANG)

-one-legged Amber (AMP) & other contestants compete to be a Playboy centerfold

-in hotel hot tub, Roger (WIF) & Virginia (RAD) re-encounter Dave (JIF) & win over (host)

-while out with host & Moby [real], Mango (CHK) is arrested for shoplifting

Season 26 (00-01)

October 7, 2000-Rob Lowe

*Jim Lehrer (CHP) moderates Al Gore (DAH) vs. George W. Bush (WIF) debate

-Monday Night Football- Dennis Miller (JIF) gets obscure during pregame

-Pros & Cons- vigilante snoops Scooby & Shaggy (host) defend their methods

-(WIF) & (MOS) have an awkward blind date at an airport bar

-perfectionist Stone Phillips (host) records intros for Dateline NBC

October 14, 2000-Kate Hudson

*in second debate, Al Gore (DAH) & George W. Bush (WIF) find common ground

-(host)’s televised Spring Break wildness embarrasses her parents (WIF) & (MOS)

-Inside The Actors Studio- Drew Barrymore (host) recalls her magical career

-Denise (RAD) & Sully (JIF) hang in the basement of his sister (host)

-Woodrow (TRM) brings host to the sewer to pitch his movie script idea

-Meet The Press- Tim Russert (DAH) gives Hillary Clinton (ANG) a hard time

-Rabun To Shuri- Japanese sitcom with (MAR) & (host) mirrors Laverne & Shirley

October 21, 2000-Dana Carvey

*undecided voters & George Bush (DAC) question debaters Al Gore (DAH) & George W. Bush (WIF)

-Margaret Jo (ANG) & Terry (MOS) welcome a teacher (DAC) hassled by gang activity

-Church Chat- Hillary Clinton (ANG), Anne Heche (CHK) & Eminem (CHP) are interviewed

-George (DAC) tries to give George W. (WIF) Bush advice during a hunting trip

-2000 VH-1 Vogue Fashion Awards- stars celebrate style achievements

-Ching Change (DAC) receives financing for his Broadway play about chickens

November 4, 2000-Charlize Theron

*A Glimpse of Our Possible Future- chaotic president George W. Bush (WIF) addresses the nation

-Total Request Live- Gemini's Twin (ANG) & (MAR) added (host) for her looks

-Goth Talk- Azrael (CHK) & Circe (MOS) take Marla (host) & Cody's (HOS) Blair Witch Tour

-jealous Joe DiMaggio (JIF) guards wife Marilyn Monroe (host) on movie set

-Bedtime Stories- sex therapy patient (host) is aroused by Mr. Peepers (CHK)

-Paul Simon [real] watches Kyle (CHK) & Sean (CHP) DeMarco interpret his songs through dance

-The Coconut Bangers Ball- Robert Goulet (WIF) covers rap songs on album

-Buena Vista Social Club members get friendly with audience member (host)

November 11, 2000-Calista Flockhart

*odd couple George W. Bush (WIF) & Al Gore (DAH) will share the presidency

-at a Democratic rally, Marty (WIF) & Bobbi (ANG) perform a political medley

-a fellow tech support worker (host) gives Nick Burns (JIF) his first kiss

-The Crocodile Hunter- Steve (CHK) & Terri (host) Irwin are attacked

-middle-aged barflies' (MOS) & (host) advances creep out (JEM) & (JIF)

-Dan Rather (DAH) uses loony expressions while predicting NBA winners

November 18, 2000-Tom Green

*Al Gore (DAH) puts George W. Bush's (WIF) acceptance speech on hold

-bald eagle (WIF) searches for her baby (host) in the Studio 8H balcony

-Rap Street- Grand Master Rap (JEM) & Kid Shazaam (HOS) approve of (host)'s rhymes

-Hardball- Chris Matthews (DAH) lets Katherine Harris (ANG) gloat

-Dog Show- wizard's (host) pig squeals & casts a spell of invisibility

-Oprah (MAR)- Dr. Phil McGraw (WIF) gives nonsensical marriage advice

-Storytellers- Air Supply vocalists (CHK) & (WIF) reminisce & make out

December 9, 2000-Val Kilmer

*Al Gore (DAH) seeks election compensation through personal injury lawyer (CHK)

-Behind The Music- in Heaven, Jim Morrison (host) forms a supergroup

-Palm Beach- election drama of George W. Bush (WIF) & Al Gore (DAH) in soap opera

-Veronica & Co.- supermodel (MOS) leads unfocussed panel discussion

-aging commercial jet pilot Iceman (host) is living in the past

-Margaret Healey (MOS) finds a partner in accent-loving blind date (host)

-horn-playing brothers (CHP) & (WIF) do recoding session for Burt Bacharach (host)

December 16, 2000-Lucy Liu

*at Chi-Chi's, George W. Bush (WIF) & Al Gore (DAH) attempt reconciliation

-the tech stock plunge hurts priceline.com spokesman William Shatner (DAH)

-Total Request Live- Gemini's Twin (ANG) & (MAR) added (host) because she has a minivan

-Celebrity Jeopardy!- Robin Williams (JIF), Catherine ZJ (host), Sean Connery (DAH) are inept

-Pretty Living- joyologist Helen's (MOS) new fling is a female lumberjack (host)

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- dorm-based webcast is a window into youth culture

-angel (MOS) & other Christmas ornaments worry about making it to the tree

-Murder In The Make-Believe Ballroom- more rap from Robert Goulet (WIF)

January 13, 2001-Charlie Sheen

*vice president Dick Cheney (DAH) checks his pulse & talks to the rich

-Iron Chef- American bachelor (host) & Morimoto (HOS) cook shark heads

-Eric Dickerson (TRM) interviews sports stars and broadcasters in NFL Pregame Special

-at an MLK Day assembly, Marty (WIF) & Bobbi (ANG) perform a civil rights medley

-Patsy Marsh (MOS) overacts on the set of The Young & The Restless

-(RAD) is surprised to give birth to 37 year-old Ted Brogan (WIF)

-T.G.I. Friday's (WIF) obnoxious waiter son (CHK) has job security

-host & Heidi Fleiss (RAD) do a prostitution-themed Who's On First routine

January 20, 2001-Mena Suvari

* on inauguration night, smug Bill Clinton (DAH) says "suck on it"

-impractical airport security guard Jackie (MAR) annoys passengers

-Janet Reno's (WIF) Dance Party- Janet Reno [real] crashes final episode

-Rap Street- Aaron Carter (host) is applauded for his G-rated rhymes

-Wake Up Little Suzie- movie features (TRM)'s love for comatose (host)

-Veronica & Co.- (MOS)’s panelists include boyfriend (WIF) & young model (host)

-Kyle (CHK) & Sean (CHP) DeMarco win over Lenny Kravitz [real] with their take on his songs

February 10, 2001-Jennifer Lopez

*while TRM fills in as George W. Bush, WIF can't get over host's booty

-Mango (CHK) & host develop a rivalry after he becomes a recording star

-Cribs- Gemini's Twin (ANG) & (MAR) & new member (host) showoff their crappy apartment

-Fly Girls (JEM) (TRM) (RAD) want to work with host again

-Good Morning Bronx- district residents broadcast the local news

-oblivious Jeannie Darcy (MOS) does inappropriate material at a nursing home gig

-at a WWII USO show, (host) damages morale by singing pro-German songs

February 17, 2001-Sean Hayes

*George W. Bush (WIF) says the Iraq strike was meant to help Bill Clinton

-Margaret Jo (ANG) & Terry (MOS) trip out after eating (host)’s portabello mushrooms

-Hardball- Chris Matthews (DAH) exaggerates wake of Clinton pardon scandal

-at Jeffrey's, fashion-hip clerks (JIF) & (host) insult customers' style

-Hello Dolly- on Valentine's Day, (host) hypes the quality of replica children

-at a fashion show, Sally O'Malley (MOS) encourages age pride & displays camel-toe

-reporter (host) covers events triggered by a crash involving a clown car

-Brian Fellow's (TRM) Safari Planet- the topic is animals made into clothes

-Talkin' 'Bout 'Ginas- female celebrities speak bluntly about their genitals

February 24, 2001-Katie Holmes

*Bill Clinton (DAH) & relatives are a giddy & shameless gang of outlaws

-Dawson's Creek- Joey (host) & exchange student Mr. Peepers (CHK) have sex

-(MAR) reports as house of Drew Barrymore (host) & Tom Green (JIF) burns

-professor Roger (WIF) & his lover Virginia (RAD) creep out (JIF) & (host)

-Jarret's (JIF) Room- Billy Joel lyrics help Daniel (CHP) pursue (host)

-(CHP) directs actress (host) to grab actor's (WIF) crotch intensively

-Passive-Aggressive Pam (ANG) makes backhanded compliments towards co-workers

-at the end of their singles' cruise, (CHP) & (MAR) settle for each other

March 10, 2001-Conan O’Brien

*unlike workaholic Dick Cheney, George W. Bush (WIF) has no worries

-underage Sully (JIF) manages to buy booze for Denise (RAD), (host) & Donny Bartolotti (Ben Affleck)

-catchphrase betrays secret identity of Moleculo, The Molecular Man (host)

-Right Said Fred (host) & other one-hit wonders give Napster testimonies

-(HOS) is distressed to learn that he lost his taint in a car accident

-during a concert, Deandra Wells (ANG) barely avoids a mutiny by her band

-Marc Rich (CHK) can afford to be against a tax cut because he doesn't pay

-SportsCentury- black opponents end career of boxing pioneer (host)

March 17, 2001-Julia Stiles

*Martha Stewart (ANG) gives tips for making St. Patrick's Day classy

-Wake Up Wakefield!- Megan (MAR) & Sheldon (RAD) emcee middle school show

-(host) gives impractical postal worker Jackie (MAR) a taste of her own medicine

-in the 1920s, movie director Suel Forrester (CHK) baffles his cast & crew

-immigrant janitor Beppi (RAD) has more struggles than office workers (ANG) & (MAR)

-lily-white (host) performs cheerleader moves at Apollo Theater amateur night

-Willy Sluggs (JEM) plugs magic tricks in lame self-produced infomercial

-Der Lacheln Beherrscht- German "smile masters" populate scary kids show

April 7, 2001-Alec Baldwin

*George W. Bush's (WIF) solo negotiation effort produced a bad Chinese deal

-Lynn (RAD) & Margaret Jo (ANG) enjoy Pete Schweddy's (host) wiener

-lone Marine (host) tries to rally spy plane crew to attack China

-Inside The Actors Studio- Charles Nelson Reilly (host) is admired

-Robert Goulet (WIF) & relatives (CHP) (host) (ANG) create bad theater

-Tom Daschle (CHK) & Dick Gephardt (DAH) try too hard at a press conference

-Lasting Impressions- make your photo classy by placing it into a brandy snifter

April 14, 2001-Renee Zellweger

*at H&R Block, Marty (WIF) & Bobbi (ANG) entertain last-minute filers with tax medley

-Jonathan Lipnicki's (HOS) growth spurt complicates Jerry Maguire II shoot

-Hardball- Chris Matthews (DAH) shamelessly criticizes Paul Begala (CHK)

-A Wedding Story- desperate bride-to-be (host) approves her KISS-themed marriage

-inept romantic's (CHK) TV theme song CDs don't get his date (host) in the mood

-irresponsible Dr. Beaman (WIF) scares two pairs of expectant parents

-Classical Music Classics have been "improved" by the addition of lyrics

May 5, 2001-Pierce Brosnan

*George W. Bush (WIF) sympathizes with his daughter Jenna (Julia Stiles)

-Just Funnin'- Gemini's Twin (ANG) & (MAR) welcomes former members (Destiny’s Child)

-The Weakest Link- origin of Anne Robinson's (RAD) nastiness is revealed

-at Jeffrey's, style-challenged customers are made to feel inferior by (JIF) & (host)

-interviewee (host) is put off by (WIF)'s brutal treatment of employees

-The West Wing- episode content is influenced by Aaron Sorkin's drug use

-Bravery & Unity- WWII soldiers' combat memories involve old stereotypes

-casino daycare center treats kids to a Vegas-style floor show

May 12, 2001-Lara Flynn Boyle

*Dick Cheney's (DAH) economy of energy spending exemplifies efficiency

-(CHP) coughs repeatedly for hernia test administered by (WIF), (host) & (RAD)

-Kyle (CHK) & Sean (CHP) DeMarco wear '80s hair while auditioning for Bon Jovi [real]

-host makes an appeal on behalf of the Save The Starving Actresses Foundation

-Premiere Playhouse- town elders welcome (host)'s Scarlet Letters B & J

-old-fashioned Moulin Rouge pairs 1890s setting with 1970s music

-MSNBC Investigates- teen boy’s (CHK) Golden Girls copycat syndrome is worrisome

-Wake Up Wakefield!- phys ed teacher (host) prepares Sheldon (RAD) for the prom

-Bloater brothers (JIF) & (CHP) overextend themselves while flirting with barmaid (host)

May 19, 2001-Christopher Walken

*despite marital woes & a broken penis, Rudy Giuliani (DAH) is doing OK

-charmed janitor (host) imagines himself & Mango (CHK) in famous screen roles

-Hardball- Chris Matthews (DAH) likes Bob Barr's (CHP) crazy energy scheme

-a lost brooch provides The Continental (host) with another chance to arouse

-(ANG) learns that Dr. Walter (host) was once a lover of Roger (WIF) & Virginia (RAD)

-(host)'s personal questions dominate centaur's (CHP) job interview

-(WIF)'s aggressiveness stems from the badger that crawled up his butt